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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like dh disrespects me over this?

26 replies

cleoteacher · 09/03/2015 19:19

Please go easy as I really unsure who is in the wrong with this and feel like dh and I constantly go round in circles over ds who is 2.2 behaviour. I end up getting so frustrated with him and having a go as he calls it but it's got to the point where I feel like I ve tried other routes and this is the only one left.

Basically we have different approaches to dealing with ds behaviour, especially at bedtime. My dh is having to put ds to bed at the moment as I can't lift him due to c-section. I have a certain routine for bedtime which we always follow and I feel really works in minimising fussing/crying at bedtime and means bedtime takes 15 mins max.

I have a two week old too and know that in future I will often be putting both dc to bed on my own so I am keen to stick to this routine, ds knows the routine and it works well.

Dh will not follow this routine and takes 45 mins to put ds to bed. He plays hide and seek with him upstairs and gets him really excited just before bed. He takes photos and videos on I pad just before bed hence why it takes so long and there is much laughing, screaming and crying when he puts him to bed. I feel he is setting things up for it to be very difficult for me to put ds to bed on my own with dd in the future and teaching him bad habits which he will play on when he gets older. He already runs away from me when it's bedtime, time to put on shoes/ coat etc which he didn't do before. I feel he's learnt this from his dad.

I know it's difficult for dh as he only sees ds for 15 mins and wants to have fun with him. His relationship is much more rough and tumble play than mine is with ds.

I ve tried talking about it nicely with him and thought we d agreed on something but then he seems to totally ignore what we ve agreed and just do what he was doing before. When I say that we agreed to do it this way he says no you just told me. I probably can be a bit bossy but I don't know how else to try and get through to him now. I ve tried other avenues.

I suppose I do end up cross with him a lot and being the naggy wife. I don't want to be but I feel like every thing we agree he goes back on and any discussion goes in one ear and out the other.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/03/2015 19:21

DH's version of bedtime is completely chaotic different to mine. Kids are clever. DD has worked out that Daddy arses around more. I don't. Let them play.

MrsTawdry · 09/03/2015 19:24

I sympathise with your stress but like MrsTerry says they soon work out that Mummy doesn't mess about.

Charlotte3333 · 09/03/2015 19:24

DH here gets 35 minutes into bedtime and has to call for backup. Every. Single. Time.

I leave them to it and run myself a bath. They want to dick about being ridiculous, let them get on with it. My DC's now know the difference between a Mummy bedtime and a Daddy bedtime. They don't mess me about, they play him up chronically. He'll learn. By the time they go to Uni, most likely.

PrettyFeet · 09/03/2015 19:25

I'd stop stressing about it if I were you. Like you said, DH has hardly any time with him and they're playing. I really don't get this hard and fast "routine" thing where kids are concerned. They are very clever little things and what they do with one person they are very able to not do the same with another.

Totality22 · 09/03/2015 19:26

Why won't Dad be able to continue putting DS to bed?

ImperialBlether · 09/03/2015 19:27

Why can't he get up at the crack of dawn and entertain him then?

I think he's being unfair. It's not good for a child to get so stimulated at bedtime. Your son needs a calm time and a good sleep. When you are putting both to bed it will be a nightmare if you haven't got it under control.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/03/2015 19:28

I came on to ask what Totality asked. Just let him be in charge and you never have to worry again.

BlackeyedSusan · 09/03/2015 19:29

well, it seems that h has a permanenet job of putting ds to bed as they have so much fun. he wants to mess about with your routine than he gets the job permanently.

cathpip · 09/03/2015 19:32

Same in this house, I can get eldest ds to bed in 15 mins, dh dicks about with him and it takes forever. Bear in mind ds is 6, but he cottened on from a very early age that mummy bedtimes are very different to daddy bedtimes. Youngest ds, who is 11 months old can tell the difference too, he's as good as gold for me but difficult for daddy. I would just let it go, their are bigger battles and this one will bite your dh in the arse one day.......

googoodolly · 09/03/2015 19:32

I don't see why it matters - let him put DS to bed if they barely get any time together, and you deal with the baby. There's no need for you to put them both to bed if DH is home as well.

missingmumxox · 09/03/2015 19:37

Sorry I agree, my dh does the same, he is only at home weekends, they now my bedtime is different and stick to, let them enjoy it.

Original poster

cleoteacher · 09/03/2015 19:42

He runs his own business so depending how busy he is the time he gets home is very sporadic. Which I accept and I am fine with putting them both to bed but I do feel he's making my life more difficult in so many ways.

I know what you mean about kids knowing not to mess around for mummy and he is good for me at bedtime. But ds is going through such a no stage and most things are a struggle I feel dh and I should back each other up and feel he undermines me. I feel he is teaching him 'bad habits' which filter into other behaviour. Dh does several other things which I wouldn't do and I feel as a result this makes ds behaviour more challenging and things harder for me. He's trying things he gets away with dad on me and making things harder for me.

OP posts:

pepperrabbit · 09/03/2015 19:45

I've spent 10 years trying to explain to DH that his attitude of chase them round the house, hide, leap out, bounce them on their beds, etc is precisely WHY they are not ready to go straight to sleep...
At least once a week someone gets hurt and cries
I have finally realised that his dad used to do this and it's deeply embedded in him that this is normal.
Mainly I do my bit, say goodnight and leave him to it. Every 6 months or so I have a tantrum and he calms down a bit. It's really not going to change and there are more important things to worry about in the world I have decided.
He's quite normal and supportive about everything else just a numpty at bedtime.

Goldmandra · 09/03/2015 19:46

Moist children are good at differentiating between the behaviour tolerate by different adults but, if it becomes an issue, why not suggest a compromise?

Your DH clearly wants to spend a little more time with his DS so why not put bedtime back by half an hour so they can play together with an agreement that, when the bedtime routine does start, he uses your quick efficient routine for the sake of continuity.

Original poster

cleoteacher · 09/03/2015 19:47

I feel as ds gets older he will find it much harder to go from being stimulated before bed to going off to sleep. This will cause problems in the future

OP posts:

Original poster

cleoteacher · 09/03/2015 19:52

Goldmandra yes that's a good idea, could suggest that as probably going to put ds to bed later anyway once dd is older and has more of a bedtime routine. It's got to the point where I don't feel like I can trust him though as we seem to agree to something and then he just goes against it anyway

It's not just bedtime either there are other aspects of behaviour I feel dh encourages or let's him get away with which ds then uses on me at various other times in the day.

OP posts:

Charlotte3333 · 09/03/2015 19:52

If it's any consolation, my DS1 is 9 and has always struggled to switch off at bedtimes no matter which of us put him to bed. We bought him a bedtime meditation cd for children, sounds bonkers but my goodness it's brilliant. He lays in bed listening to it and doing his bonkers yoga and it's like a different child. Two months in, bedtimes are a breeze and he stays in his bed (was previously up and down the stairs 5 times an hour) and drifts off to sleep much more easily. Make your DH buy it.

Jackieharris · 09/03/2015 19:52

If DP wants to spend 'fun' time with DS he should prioritise his son over his business and make it his business to get home on bloody time!

Just put DS down before DP gets home if this continues.

If he wants to play he can get up half an hour earlier in the morning for that.

Original poster

cleoteacher · 09/03/2015 20:15

He does have lots of time with ds in morning as goes into work late as short journey so does have opportunity for fun times.

Ds has always been a dream to put to bed he's just got worse since turning 2 and dh putting him to bed.

The issue is more that fact that I feel when I go back to putting him to bed in the future it will be hard as ds will have learnt bad habits plus the other things he's learnt which he already tries it on during the day.

Can't put ds to bed before dh gets home as not allowed to lift him due to c-section possibly for another month!

OP posts:

PtolemysNeedle · 09/03/2015 20:27

A lot has changed in your sons life if you have a new baby, a change in his behaviour will not be purely down to your DH teaching him things you think he shouldn't.

I think this is one of those things that feels like a massive deal right now while you're in the middle of it, but is really very minor when you look back on it.

So your DH has a play and some fun time with his ds before bed, it's not going to cause your child any long term disruption. He may well behave differently even if your DH does exactly the same as you, simply because it's not you doing it.

Let your DH get on with doing things his own way when it's his turn to do them. You won't be unable to lift your ds forever, and until then, you run the risk of spoiling all the time you have with your newborn because you are overly worried about something relatively trivial.

Preciousbane · 09/03/2015 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scousadelic · 09/03/2015 22:24

There is no point trying to control people who don't want to be controlled. You'll be banging your head on a brick wall and the aggravation is simply not worth it. Let your DH do things his way, your DS will learn that bedtime with Mummy is very different.

editthis · 09/03/2015 22:44

Agree with PP that other changes in behaviour might not be your DH's "fault". I have a two-year-old and she has just learnt the joys of running away gleefully, shouting "no" a lot and resisting having coat and shoes put on (for example) – it's all relatively new and not been taught or encouraged. I think maybe it's just what two-year-olds do, like cats catch mice. Plus with the new baby it sounds pretty nice that he is able to have some special fun time with his father – even if the timing is far from ideal. I imagine it feels bigger from where you're standing, you must be exhausted; but I would just let them get on with it. A few more weeks won't seal your fate: even if it becomes a problem (and hopefully it won't), you'll be able to reassert order when you're physically recovered from your section and not reeling quite so much from the change of pace. Congratulations, by the way!

cerealqueen · 09/03/2015 23:16

My DP is the same, I'd have a routine, it worked, he never stuck to it as he was too lazy (when they were little it involved singing and a bit of holding/ cuddling for about five mins, he put them in the cot and scooted as fast as possible). It stopped working.
Then he started the crazy bedtime stuff. DCs are not tired at bedtime, thinks its time for play. Moans about bedtime every night why it takes so long etc.
With me on my own, it doesn't take long, the Dc know they can't mess me about.
If I go out now, DP has a nightmare getting the Dc to go to bed. he reaps what he has sown. He still moans
Let him do it his way, as scousadelic says.

Qwebec · 10/03/2015 00:44

He puts the child, he gets to choose how he does it. As long as he does not come to you for backup let him be a father. I know it's not easy, but try not take it personal, he does not do it against you or to piss you off (unless he is a total ass who likes to wind you up).
As people said the child will know it's not how you work.
Imagine the situation reversed, if you wated to establish a routine when you do bedtime and he forced you to do it his way?

If it is the only time he spends with DS let him make the best of it. Quality time is better than any routine.
YABU

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