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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel that I've let my DD down?

18 replies

benefoots · 09/03/2015 13:59

DD is very bright, did the 11+ this year.
A few of our friends children also did and they took it all very very seriously. Some cancelled holidays so they could swot up and lots and lots of tutoring
We decided to be a bit more relaxed. Did papers at home, where DD was consistently getting 99-100%.
We also only entered her for 1 exam, we didn't want to overload her where they entered for 3 and 4 exams.
DD didn't pass and didn't do very well in maths.
The school is very hard to get into, around 65 places. The 3 friends that were really pressured all got in.
I know my DD is at the same level as her 3 friends. I just feel that I've really let her down by taking the relaxed approach.
Maybe if I had pushed her more she would have passed. Feel like a bad mumSad

OP posts:
Seeline · 09/03/2015 14:05

You can only do what you think is best for your child. If she had needed all that pushing to get her into the school, how would she have coped once there? Would she have needed pushing and coaching for the next 5 years just to keep up? Would she have had enjoyed her school time, and had time for extra curricula activities?
With a supportive Mum, I am sure she will do well wherever she ends up, and is far more likely to enjoy herself at the same time Smile

ThatCuckingFat · 09/03/2015 14:11

I have no experience in this it all but I really don't think you are a bad mum. I wouldn't want to pile loads of pressure on my child either. You want them to happy, relaxed and well rounded. She didn't get in but I'm sure she will flourish in the school she goes to with your support.
Try not to feel like you've let her down. No one gets it right in life all the time, or comes first in everything. Try to encourage her that it's ok and to continue trying hard in everything she does. It's not a 'failure', she just didn't make it this time.

Original poster
benefoots · 09/03/2015 14:15

seeline thank you.
That's the thing though. She doesn't need coaching. In our practice papers she was doing so well.
She is level 6 at maths English and spag.
I feel that I didn't prepare her enough. The night before the exam we had a good chat. I told her not to worry and if she didn't pass then it was not meant to be.
I truly believed this, but now I'm so upset. I didn't think I would feel this way.

OP posts:
Griffineater · 09/03/2015 14:20

Would you consider trying again in a year or so? Is that the 12 plus. I know quite a few who got in that way.

MrsTawdry · 09/03/2015 14:21

If she did well in practice and not in the real thing OP it's probable that she's just one of those people who doesn't do that well under pressure. I chose not to enter my DD at all....because I know she's a stresser and doesn't do well under pressure. She MIGHT have passed...but she might not have and would not have coped with "failing".

You mustn't blame yourself for trying.

Original poster
benefoots · 09/03/2015 14:26

griffneater
That isn't possible. This school only does 11+. There is also virtually no movement.
I wouldn't want to send her miles away to a different school.
She got the local comp, it's the type of school that you can do very well at.
At no point have I let her know my feelings and she is happy with the school that she got.

OP posts:
calmexterior · 09/03/2015 14:26

I think you did the right thing, but I understand how gutted you must feel about the school. Not in the position to give advice but you've not let her down. Stupid system.

MrsTawdry · 09/03/2015 14:27

She is happy with the school she got then you must forget this worry OP. If she were crying etc then fair enough...but I think you might be putting this stress onto your disappointment as a way of coping with upcoming change. Flowers It'll all be fine.

Whereupon · 09/03/2015 14:28

In that case I wouldn't worry about it. She's in a good school and will fulfil her potential.

Madamecastafiore · 09/03/2015 14:30

My DD was the same as yours Benefoot. She is at a v good comp and is forecast 10 GCSEs at A or A*. She has had a wonderful time an hasn't felt under pressure at all which I do think she would have felt at the local grammar (sp? I didn't get all those GCSEs).

Your DD is happy, that's the important thing.

Topseyt · 09/03/2015 14:42

I totally agree with Seeline and CuckingFat.

I don't believe children should be hot housed in the way you describe for your daughter's friends. If they are the they run the risk of getting into a great selective grammar, but potentially not coping once there.

My eldest did go to a grammar school. She wasn't tutored to within an inch of her life for the 11+ though, and scraped one of the last remaining places that year. She was fine, but she saw the struggles of a previously hot housed friend with over invested parents. It was hard for the child, who may well have been happier in top sets at a good comprehensive school.

I am sure your daughter is very able, so could get into top sets wherever she goes.

We didn't go the grammar school route again for many reasons, mostly practical and financial. My youngest (12) is flourishing in top sets at our local comprehensive. Their 16 year old middle sister is there too, but is the less academic and more practical of my three, so wouldn't have been suited to grammar school anyway.

Your child will be fine and you are a great mum.

Original poster
benefoots · 09/03/2015 14:42

Thank you all for the replies.
Although I am very genuinely happy for her friends. I don't think I would have felt so bad if they never got inBlush

OP posts:
AmysTiara · 09/03/2015 14:49

This was me last year. Exactly the same situation. Now Ds is thriving at his school, loves having a load of new mates and is still good friends with his best friends who went to the grammar.it really worked not well so please don't worry

AlPacinosHooHaa · 09/03/2015 14:57

Your more upset than her, do not project this onto her, this is her lot now and you said its a good school, she could do better than her friends.

HOwver your post is the reason I will be preparing my dc well in advance to make sure they get 100% the best chance, then I wont feel bad.

If she had needed all that pushing to get her into the school, how would she have coped once there I am sure she would have coped fine, but for the exam your up against dc who are simply well drilled, timing, prep etc. Its silly not to put 100% in it.

Op you chose a relaxed path for an exam that is notorious for being uber crazy so much so the whole country talks about it, and how crazily tutored for it is.

You cannot change things right now, accept and move on. I am sure she will do very well, if the school was bad and she was upset, different story.

QweenCnut · 09/03/2015 14:58

Do you have a grammar school and a comp in the same catchment area?
Here we have grammars and "secondary moderns".

MissDuke · 09/03/2015 15:16

Op I have no personal experience but just wanted to say you sound like a wonderful mum, and perhaps its all worked out this way for a reason. Was the test very different to the practice papers? Or is it possible that she wanted to go the comp and so didn't try too hard on the day? Either way, I hope she is very happy there.

tiggytape · 09/03/2015 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
benefoots · 09/03/2015 16:15

Thank you everyone. I do feel much better.Smile

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