to feel uncomfortable about this situation and not know whether or not to say anything?

[Minshu]

It's another facebook related one, I'm afraid...

Due to posts on FB, I know that my brother's partner (DSIL) is friends with the wife of an XP of mine. This absolutely should not and would not be an issue (the lady seems lovely going by her posts to DSIL) if the XP in question hadn't tried to kill me when we split up 19 years ago.

I have no idea how well DSIL knows these people, or if my brother knows that this is the same person as they may only ever see the wife and child(ren). Part of me feels like saying "look out for this friend, her husband has a history of mental illness and alcohol-related violence, you may need to protect her" but it was a long time ago, he may have been treated and fully rehabilitated.

But, if my brother is now friends with him, that would make me sick to my stomach. The man tried to kill me by his own admission (I was unable to press charges as the police weren't interested in a "domestic"). The only time in my life I'd ever been beaten up, and he throttled me until my face was purple and I had pretty much passed out. I was left covered in bruises and bite marks. And my own brother might now be his mate?

I guess I should talk to my brother, but my family is not big on talking. Or should I just keep quiet and hope to never bump into them all? I now live in a different part of the country, so am unlikely to come into contact with them directly.

This has stirred up a whole load of things that I thought I had buried. Advice, please?

You need to talk face to face with your brother. How horrible for you.

You should absolutely tell your brother, just explain it as you've explained it to us and he can't NOT understand. He can then do what he wants with that information but you have to tell him. 19 years seems like a long time but is the blink of an eye when remembering such horrendous experiences xx

YANBU, you need to speak to your brother.

Please tell your brother, he will understand no way he couldn't. I'm so sorry the police weren't able to help at the time, back then DV just wasn't understood, inexcusable but how it was.

Surely your own brother would have known at the time? Didn't he know your Xp? Know why you split up etc

If not, you need to tell him now in case Xp gets in with your brother and becomes part of your social circle

Don't assume your brother is friends with them, FB friends can be people you know vaguely from childhood, work or mutual hobbies. Just because SIL has the wife as a FB friend that doesn't mean they're best friends - I don't mean that to sound harsh, I mean it to help you to see in in perspective until you can suss out the actual situation.

You do need to talk to your brother, it could be that neither of them have any idea about the connection this woman has to your ex and they do need to be warned. I don't blame you for feeling so anxious about this. In the meantime you need to block this woman from seeing anything you post, this will keep your information well away from your ex.

What an awful thing for you to have to go through, I'd peruse it with the police if you still have the option as your medical notes will explain the facts to them. It's terrible that he's been able to get away with attacking you.

Thank you, wise ladies of MN! Will try to speak to him soon, although he can be a bit of a scarlet pimpernel and I often communicate via DSIL these days.

I wasn't sure if I was making a mountain out of a molehill. Having a policeman glare at you for disturbing his perusal of the Sunday papers when trying to report a domestic attack doesn't do much for one's confidence...

How horrible for you :(

I agree with posters above - tighten up your privacy on fb first of all.

Does your DB know what happened? You write well - maybe email your DB if you're not comfortable talking about it with him?

Speak to your brother - there's lots of ifs and maybes in your post - you don't know anything for certain

I did get my GP practice nurse to take notes of my injuries (he was lovely - sympathetic and outraged and gentle) at the time, even though the police weren't interested.

XP has a completely different user name on FB now (I only know that this lady is the wife by seeing wedding photos posted by the only friend from the time to remain mutual a number of years ago, and the one recent picture of their son with DSIL's kids - he's the spitting image of his dad).

My brother did know what happened, although seemed surprised at the time as they'd always got on

I rarely post anything "personal" on FB and have the max privacy settings. I don't want to block DSIL, and won't be posting anything for a while from now.

It would be lovely to believe your brother will behave perfectly, remembering the inexcusable harm this man did to you, and understand the impact a renewal of contact (even indirectly) must be doing to you, and thinking it over very hard before continuing a friendship between both families.

But, but I'd be doing you a disservice by saying this and leading you unprepared into a situation which may be more difficult and upsetting than that.

People, especially those close and/ or families, can have weird ways of reacting. Especially if this happened 19 years ago, when attitudes to domestic violence / violence towards women were pretty unevolved and awful. And then that he's had 19 years for it to fade, and to 'get over it' in the way someone it didn't happen to can. And with the family dynamics of not talking, there won't be a 'family truth' of the events that are embedded in your shared history.

The incident will likely be diminished by the awful attitudes of the day, by time, and by the emotional needs of the brother... both about what happened then, but also the need not to be wrong, or inconvenienced in the now.

Maybe he'll be great. And then I'll be happy to be see as over cautious! But I'm concerned you'll lay yourself open to hurt and upset that might strike you on the raw, and open up old wounds. I think you need to treat yourself very gently, and protectively.

I'd maybe try thinking through the different responses you might get, and how these might make you feel, and doing that might help you work out what you'd like to do.

Yes, I think you have at least partially articulated my concerns! What if my brother says he'd rather have this friend in his life than be bothered about this ancient history?

What am I trying to get out of this, anyway? All I can offer is being a material witness in any future case when / if he attacks his wife.

I do need to speak to my brother, just want to know what to expect!

Isn't this covered by Clare's Law? You can anonymously contact the police and say you are concerned about someone who you know is with someone with a history of violence and they will contact her without saying who contacted them and warn her of his record.
That's if he had a record.

He has no record based on the attack on me due to lack of interest by the police when I tried to report it. Clare's law is fundamentally limited by the fact that the police don't consider domestic violence to be anything other than the victim's own stupid fault, in my (fortunately limited) experience.

I'm certain there will be people who tell me the assault didn't happen, because there is no record in law. Fuck 'em.

I think you'll find it's taken a lot more seriously by the police nowadays and if he did that to you, chances are he's had other girlfriends who have reported him. If he has no record then you have nothing to lose. You would have wanted someone to warn you.
Sorry you find yourself in this situation.

I haven't got much to add, you have had some excellent advice here. I can only speak from personal experience, but unfortunately what happened 19 years ago, no matter how heinous it was to you, may not be understood by other people as being such a big deal after such a length of time.
It will not be like that for you, but be prepared.
Take care

Thanks for the advice everyone.

I spoke to my brother this evening, but DD started calling for me when I was summoning up the courage to broach the subject so I chickened out. Will speak to him again later in the week and bring it up then.