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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say 'actually yes, I was offended'

27 replies

paisleymeadow · 08/03/2015 15:42

At work today someone (not a colleague - client) said "I don't know if it's your uniform but you look as if you've put weight on."

I wasn't sure what to say so I just sort of made a 'hmm' noise.

She then kept saying she hadn't meant to offend me Hmm

I didn't say the above but I wish I had - wi have been U? :)

OP posts:
Charlotte3333 · 08/03/2015 15:43

Not U at all. It's a rude thing to say; next time I'd be tempted to say "I don't know if it's your uniform but your rude mouth is really ugly today". Rudeness is never ok.

onepieceoflollipop · 08/03/2015 15:44

I would probably said something like "that was a very insensitive comment, I think it is rude to make personal remarks" rather than getting into a discussion about whether she or he had offended me.
Sounds like she made an insensitive comment, then rather than apologise tried to wriggle out of it.

WorraLiberty · 08/03/2015 15:44

It's not a comment that would offend me but I realise I'm in the minority

It's also not a comment I would make, because I know it would be likely to cause offence.

So no, I don't think you would have been unreasonable to say you were offended.

onepieceoflollipop · 08/03/2015 15:44

Good one Charlotte. :)

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 08/03/2015 15:44

'I don't know if it's my ears but you sound like a total arse. Probably my ears'

Carpetcrawler · 08/03/2015 15:45

Probably just one of those foot in mouth moments. You should have just called her a cheeky sod.

Nomama · 08/03/2015 15:46

Oh, give it a whirl. It is quite a nice feeling, not being rude but just not being stiff upper lippedly polite.

Colleague said something similar to me a while ago... I responded "Well, why say it then?" ... she sort of blustered off.

Felt good not to be my usual 'eek, how do I not offend her by showing her that hurt?' self Smile

flyingmonks · 08/03/2015 15:46

You did the best thing.

To say anything else would have been U.
It sounds as if she realised she had said something inappropriate and was trying to apologise without making it worse. I bet she has been cringing since.
Forget about it.

Original poster
paisleymeadow · 08/03/2015 15:46

Yes, I really wish now I had said 'I am not sure what purpose commenting on my weight would serve other than to cause if not offence then certainly upset and embarrassment, but presumably since you didn't want to offend you had another reason?'

But I never think of those things on the spot.

OP posts:
Original poster
paisleymeadow · 08/03/2015 15:47

No - believe me, she won't have been cringing!

OP posts:
Bifauxnen · 08/03/2015 15:50

When people say thing like that and claim they never meant any offence I can't help but wonder what they would say if they did want to offend.
It's rude and I don't think it's wrong to point it out.

DrHarleenFrancesQuinzel · 08/03/2015 15:55

It probably didn't sound that offensive in her head though. It was only when it was said out loud she could hear how offensive it was.

However, YANBU to say something next time. It might just get her thinking about things before saying them in future.

NobodyLivesHere · 08/03/2015 15:59

People who end a sentence with 'no offense' are actually out to offend in my experience. It's unnecessary and rude.

morethanpotatoprints · 08/03/2015 16:01

I'd have said I can go on a diet, but your ugliness isn't easily remedied.

Momagain1 · 08/03/2015 16:05

She was probably hoping to be let in on the early secret of your pregnancy.

CharityD · 08/03/2015 16:17

When people say thing like that and claim they never meant any offence I can't help but wonder what they would say if they did want to offend.
It's rude and I don't think it's wrong to point it out.

Exactly.

I think your reaction was the best though, tbh, as it didn't give her any further opportunity, if she was setting out to hurt your feelings.
I used to work with someone who constantly commented on weight, to others. She told me once that I had 'lost a load of weight'. I hadn't, and tbh, I hadn't any weight to lose, at the time.

I said 'I didn't realise I had a load of weight to lose'. She never commented to me again. With her, it was really insidious, she used to do it in particular to a colleague as a means of denting her confidence. Ugh.

Rightokthen · 08/03/2015 16:32

Why do people feel it's ok to say exactly what's in their heads?

You should have said, I don't know if it's your uniform but you smell today. Smile

flora717 · 08/03/2015 18:36

Don't you just love people using "I don't mean to offend" when that's their only reason of flapping their judgy jaws.
"so what did you mean to do?" is my usual response.

Sausagerollers · 08/03/2015 19:10

I've come across a few of those say-something-awful-then-claim-no-offence-was-meant people before.

I tend to find saying "If you don't mean to offend, why would you say something offensive?" does a good job of stopping them in their tracks.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 08/03/2015 19:12

No. It wouldn't have b.u to say you were offended. People now a days seem to have far too much to say. I hate comment passers

PilchardPrincess · 08/03/2015 19:17

Oh I hate that.

Someone did it to me recently.

They kept going on "oh I didn't mean to offend you" which was really annoying and I suddenly realised it was because:

  • They weren't actually apologising
  • They were assuming I was "offended" when I wasn't
  • And then going on about it

So sort of saying "well I said that and I think it's perfectly reasonable to say that but I've just realised you might be a bit wet and unable to take some "banter" and so I'm not going to actually apologise I'm just going to go on and on about how offended you are because I don't think actually you should be offended".

or something.

wankers the lot of em Grin

ConeyIslandPeach · 08/03/2015 19:18

Yeah really rude.

A friends photo popped up on my newsfeed on FB and someone had commented saying that she looked like she had put on weight.

What is the need!?

I don't comment on anyones weight, unless its to say something nice. It's a very sensitive issue for a majority of women (those feeling overweight and those feeling underweight)

ahbollocks · 08/03/2015 19:24

honestly, you should never ever comment on someone's appearance a) without invitation
Or
b) unless it is a positive

I used to be so meek about this kind of thing but I snapped one day in work at old job and said the above the my manager.
One of the best things I've ever said!
Its non confrontational, assertive and shuts the fucker down in their tracks.

PilchardPrincess · 08/03/2015 19:34

I think the word "offended" is crap, when people say that there is all sorts of subtext.

Next time see if you can say "Oh that's OK, I'm not offended, just a bit surprised that you would come out with something so tactless. Happens to us all though I guess"

PilchardPrincess · 08/03/2015 19:41

I mean the word isn't crap it has a perfectly good meaning which has been kind of subverted by the way it's used by some groups of people IYSWIM.

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