To have put her back in nappies?

[MilchandCookies]

DD is 2.10 and has been out of nappies since January, when she told me she wanted to wear knickers instead.

The first few weeks went quite well, with only one or two accidents, and lots of stickers on her sticker chart. But I was reminding her to go to the loo. She rarely told me herself she needed it and made an effort to get there in time.

And then it started going downhill. She stopped caring about stickers, or Smarties, or biscuits. I was bribing her with ever more things to just get her to sit on the loo. She just refused to go. She held her wee for seven hours on one day, then flooded the kitchen.

In the last four days, NOT ONE wee or poo has been on the loo.

She's all red and sore down there, too, and I wonder if it's hurting when she wees, so she doesn't want to try, holds it as long as possible, then can't get to the loo in time.

Or I have to face the very real possibility that I have screwed this up monumentally and put her under too much pressure. All the extra washing and cleaning, her little brother delightedly splashing in the frequent puddles, the frustration and embarrassment at every public accident ... I've handled this all wrong, I'm sure. I've been so stressed, she must have seen it.

After doing a massive wee in the garden centre this morning, I have given up. I put her back in nappies. She screamed and cried that she wasn't a baby. But although she told me each time she did a wee today, it was only after the fact. (She was confused that her trousers were still dry.)

I know I have BU by letting her see how much it gets to me. But where do we go from here? What do I do?

Pull ups?

You haven't screwed it up at all, she will not be wearing nappies at 18 I'm quite sure . I think you have done the right thing, maybe she wasn't quite physically ready and able to recognise the feeling of needing to go if she wasn't taking herself off, or maybe the novelty of wearing knickers has worn off and a trip to the loo is now an massive inconvenience/distraction from what she is doing, but either way, nappies for a while until both of you can relax and take stock again. And then have another go.

I would ask her each day what she would prefer, nappies or knickers, and go with her response. Make sure she's drinking plenty of fluids and get her checked over for a UTI, too, as they're horribly uncomfortable at any age. Cream will ease the sore parts. Make it as breezy as you can when you talk about it; no dramas or fuss, just asking gently if she needs to use the loo. It's so much easier said than done, but it sounds very much as though you need to back off and start afresh once she's had a checkup.

Do you have a potty or is she going on the loo? DS1 started potty training at the New Year, literally a few days before he turned 3.

He seemed to grasp weeing in the loo fairly quickly but consistently pooed his pants until a few weeks ago when I bought him a potty just for poos. It turned out the splashing into the loo scared him but he felt a lot more safe on the potty. Could your DD be the same?

I think that your daughter sounds like she is more than ready to be toilet trained if she can hold her wee for seven hours. I think the mistake you have made is trying to control when she uses the toilet. Accidents are inevitable and are part of the learning process. Chikdren get rebellious if they are constantly hassled to use the toilet.

I think it makes sense to take a break from toilet training if it is too much of a battle.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself or her. Let her wear pull ups and tell you when she needs the loo. She'll soon want her pants again. Don't worry.

I would back off completely and let her choose pants or pull ups.
No comment on the choice or on where wee / poo ends up.
Lots of cuddles. And come back to it when she asks to do so.

You can't control her bladder in the same way as you can't make her sleep or force her to eat - it's a battle you'll inevitably lose. So it has to be her idea and your support.

Start again, maybe try pull ups as they are more like knickers than nappies.
Try knickers over the top.
Ask her what she would like if she goes on the potty. Gentle reminders every so often 'DD do you need a wee now?' 'DD I'm going for a wee now, do you want to come with me and try too?'

In general does she like being a big sister? Does she like showing her little brother new things? Perhaps ask her to show her little brother what a big girl she is?
My DD has 2 older brothers and this worked for her, she just loved the praise she got from her big brothers. She loves to impress them and keep up with them.

It can be so so hard, but try not to get frustrated. Lots of praise when she gets it right, and a nice calm 'Never mind, lets get cleaned up' when she doesn't.
When you go out can you take a potty with you? This could minimise accidents in public.

Good luck, stop being so hard on yourself, give it time. She will get it. And then you'll have a little bit of time before you start all over again with DS

Oh, in regards to redness and soreness, I'd get her checked for a UTI, or thrush (some knickers or toilet papers can cause this)
It could just be that, like my DD, she likes the freedom she has without a nappy and is exploring. DD likes to play with her lady parts if she has nothing on, leaving her red.

Thanks for the replies.

Ok, I'll make an appointment with the doc tomorrow. She's often been red down there, since she was a baby. We have some calendula cream that makes it look better by the next day, and I always assumed it would clear up when she was out of nappies. (The doctor has seen it a couple of times in the last year and said it was nothing to worry about, but I think I should push it a bit.)

She woke up at 3 a.m. this morning crying for her knickers We are going to a family party today (which will be stressful enough), so I think we'll have nappies today and then buy pull-ups tomorrow.

Thanks for making me feel a bit better about it. It'll be warmer soon; maybe then she can run around bare in the garden and that'll sort it.

Good plan. The soreness without nappies is unusual I think and worth a check.

I think you only crack it when you don't have to ask them to sit on the toilet.

You sound like you have put in monumental effort and its not fair that you haven't got the result you want.

But I think you have to relax about it, don't ask her to go on the toilet. Just let her choose to do it or wet herself. And yes wait for warmer weather if that's the easiest option. Less washing!

Good luck and YANBU.

I put DS back in nappies after 3 months of potty training that started great and went downhill. He was having accidents and I was getting more and more frustrated. He went in them for a month and we started again, me much more relaxed this time and he was ready. Went really easily 2nd time round.

My DD was really getting the hang of potty training last summer, then in Oct she got a bug and had a bout of diarrhea which really upset her and she didn't want to wear knickers again. I had my wedding coming up, plus Christmas & honey moon after that, so we went back to pull ups for a few months. She'd go to toilet or on the potty every so often and in Jan, I started again, and within a week she was fully trained day and night with no accidents (God that sounds really braggy)
My story is slightly different to yours, but what I'm trying to say, is that going back to pull ups isn't necessarily going to set them back as some people think, in fact it can be a good thing and they can get themselves ready all over again. It might be easier second time around, it was for me.

Those are really encouraging stories, thanks. I hope she feels similarly after a break! I'm already seeing a reduction in my stress levels, so I'm sure she is, too.

She has to wear an eye patch for four hours a day because of a squint, which she hates, and we also recently moved house. Maybe those things are contributing to her feeling powerless or something. We have never forced food or sleep (more fool me, she stopped napping a year ago), and have always been quite relaxed about those things. I don't know why I got my knickers in a twist about potty training.

To answer some questions upthread, she has two potties but generally preferred the loo. She seems a bit big for potties anyway.
And in terms of being a "big girl", this has sort of backfired on us recently. She used to love showing her little brother how to go to the loo etc, but she's started saying she is worried about being a grown-up and that she'd rather stay a baby. DS is 13 months and still breastfeeding (she self-weaned at Christmas) and maybe she is a bit jealous. Other than that though, she loves him and is mostly very sweet and caring with him except when she lies on him.

No, you are not being unreasonable.

My 3yr old refuses to cooperate with the potty or pullups so I recently gave him an ultimatum to either cooperate or it's back to nappies.

After a few weeks he was still no better so sure enough I put nappies back on (and still do) he screamed the house down the first few days and I still get tantrums doing a nappy change outside the home but I'll continue till I think he's ready to try again.

It will happen just not yet. We had a nightmare and tried everything and then dc was ready and it started. Wee first. Then poo. I read a suggestion on here about a poo party in the loo. God knows why that worked but it did. Right idea right time.
Ignore anyone who says their baby was potty trained at [Insert whatever unrealistic age].
It will work out. Donâ??t make it any more stressful for all of you.

Reducing the stress seems to be having an effect! Although she told me this morning that she loves weeing in her nappies and she wasn't going to tell me when she did it, she has done two poos on the loo out of choice! Nappy ripped off and steps hurriedly grabbed so she could climb up. She hadn't done that in weeks before yesterday.

Wonderful (in our weird world where toilet training progress is wonderful!).