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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about travel time and not wanting to go?

27 replies

Dontunderstand01 · 06/03/2015 13:00

Arranging a meet up with friends, most of whom live with an hour of each other. They have suggested a venue that is 3.5 hours drive away, but is aboutanhours drive for them. The place to meet up in is pregnangt friends home town, so she doesn't have to travel.

I have lived away from friends for 10 years, and out of group of 5 only one has bothered to drive to see me. After 5 years I stopped inviting them, but have gone along to the twice yearly meetups, always involving at least at 2 hour drive. I went to one friends wedding last year involving 3hr plus drive with my 5 week old ds, so I do feel like I have made the effort.

Would I BU to not go? DS is now 8 months, I am back at work so don't see him as much as would like, and I aren't sure I want him to be in the car for all that time, just for a meet up and pub lunch. The other friends will be taking their DC. If I don't go, I won't see them for another 6 months or year.

Friend has said I can stay at hers so its not all in one day. AIBU

OP posts:
Happyringo · 06/03/2015 13:22

Did you travel to meet them when you were pregnant, yet they are bending over backwards so that other friend doesn't have to when she is? It sounds like things have just naturally drifted, I wouldn't put myself out tbh...

APlaceInTheWinter · 06/03/2015 13:30

It's not UR to dislike the thought of a long drive but in the context of your friends, I don't think they're being UR to prioritise the friend who is pregnant and make it as easy as possible for her. The invitation to stay over is also quite thoughtful.

I think it's usual that if one person moves away, they end up travelling most. Simply because it's easier for the majority. If you're unhappy about it or can't be bothered this time then just don't go.

Original poster
Dontunderstand01 · 06/03/2015 13:30

Most recent meet ups were when DS was 4 months, then when he was 5 weeks, then when I was about 1 month pregnant.

Friends are very lovely, but do see each other more due to their proximty. I also live 4 hours away from my family, so I spend a lot of my time travelling to see people. Withthe exception of 1, all of myfriends live in the same town as their parents and siblings. Maybe they don't understand that packing up my stuff and driving here and there is quite a bit of work!

OP posts:
Original poster
Dontunderstand01 · 06/03/2015 13:34

You are right Place, I don't think they are BU to prioritise pregnant friend, or to arrange meet up near them, I just get tired of packing up so much stuff every few weeks or so. If they were occaisionally happy to meet half way, or even visit me once (!) I might feel a bit less negative about it.

OP posts:
DeladionInch · 06/03/2015 13:39

If they're prioritising pg friend now, I'd have expected them to prioritise you with a 5wo tbh.

Original poster
Dontunderstand01 · 06/03/2015 14:03

Deladion, it was my choice to take DS to the wedding at 5 wo. Not sure how I managed it looking back! We did drive there and back in a day but it was exhausting and wouldn't want to doagain, so friend offering me to stay over is very kind.

Feel a bit conflicted as have travelled to them for weddings, hen do's, birthdays etc and although I do really enjoy their company, I am tired! My DS has been on at least 6 visits to people over 3 or 4 hours away, thats about once every 6 or 7 weeks of his life! Maybe I am being a wuss but it isjust getting to be too much.

OP posts:
DisappointedOne · 06/03/2015 14:04

^^ the event the OP travelled to with a 5 week old was a wedding. Not very reasonable to expect that to be moved to accommodate the OP!

OP, DH and I worked 200ish miles away from most of our friends and all of our families for many many years. Weekends were spent on motorways travelling to visit someone or other. Even now we're 250+ miles from most of the family and it's always us travelling. That's just how it is when you're the one that lives away. (We've had this house for almost a decade and I can count on the fingers of 2 hands the number of times his parents or brothers (3) have visited.)

honeyroar · 06/03/2015 14:09

If you want to go, go, if not the distance is a good excuse not to.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 06/03/2015 14:12

If you don't fancy it this time, that's OK. You can always go to the next one.

Original poster
Dontunderstand01 · 06/03/2015 14:12

Disappointed, it is refreshing to see someone in the same boat. The vast majority of my friends live in their home towns, and tbh, their worlds seems very straight forward to me! I would love to live round the corner from my mum, dad, best mate etc, but my family live in an extremely expensive part of the UK which I can't afford, and my uni friends all moved back to where they grew up. I moved because DH was in the forces, and even 10 years on still feel very isolated.
I am normally happy to travel, but I am just tired and fed up of packing and unpacking the car!

OP posts:
museumum · 06/03/2015 14:15

Go. Don't go. Neither are unreasonable.
only you can decide if preserving the friendship is worth the travelling. I've been to visit friends 4,5+ hours away but that's cause I want to stay in touch.
The offer to stay over is kind.

manicinsomniac · 06/03/2015 14:19

YANBU to think that you can't be bothered and not go.

Personally, I would want to see my friends though. My closest friendship group doesn't have a common base (they're university friends) so we all travel 3 or 4 times a year to different places to meet up.

I can understand why it's frustrating if you're the only one to travel but the ball really is in your court. If they all live in one place and meet up regularly it will be very easy for you to get left out and find that they move on from you. If you don't want that to happen and want to stay included then you have to make the effort.

DisappointedOne · 06/03/2015 14:23

I used to pack up the car every 3-4 days then drive for 2-3 hours between work and home. Got to the point where I hated it, could remember NONE of the journey (scary when you're averaging 80mph) and would sit in the car on the drive on a Sunday night doing anything I could to delay setting off.

Now have the same feelings about packing up the car and driving up to visit DH's family. Now that DD is at school full time it's a good excuse not to. I'm done being the one putting in all of the effort and thought. DD didn't get a single gift at xmas from her uncles, aunts or cousins which is pretty indicative of how much they think about her. Fuck them.

Totality22 · 06/03/2015 14:27

You moved away ergo you are going to end up traveling back for events? Surely you cannot expect friends to arrange their weddings / hen do's / Birthday do's to accommodate you?

I agree that friend never visiting is a bit shitty but in the case of where you all meet up I am afraid it's "majority rules"

I'd take DS, stay over night and have fun!

DisappointedOne · 06/03/2015 14:28

I'd probably go too. At 8 months 2 hours was nothing to DD (she flew long haul at 4 months to visit my parents!)

crocodiledundeelady · 06/03/2015 14:29

I first read your thread as being about you not wanting to go time travelling...

RunnerHasbeen · 06/03/2015 14:31

Nobody is being unreasonable here, your friends sound kind and considerate and you sound too tired and busy to go this time. I don't think missing this one will harm your friendship, you sound solid enough. I'd be willing to bet that the person you are staying with would let you use their things like a travel cot, high chair etc. to stop you having to pack so much for one overnight stay, if you asked in advance. With family, I would keep an eye on Gumtree to get cheap stuff for your parents house that stays there, so you aren't carting everything around all the time.

For weddings, hen dos and birthdays, it seems entirely reasonable that you are the one travelling to whoever is hosting it/ being celebrated - I don't think it is really fair of you to group these into examples of how much effort you make compared to them. What about your birthday, have you invited them to you? Maybe you should, depending on when it is, or host something at Easter for the kids?

thoth · 06/03/2015 14:33

Darnation! I read your title as 'time travel' not vice versa and wanted to know what was planned.

Original poster
Dontunderstand01 · 06/03/2015 14:34

Totality, i have not said i expected them to organise their events around me? That's a bit of a leap! I was asking if it would BU not to go, I am in no way suggesting they should plan THEIR life events around me, although it would be nice if when I had an event I invited them to, that they came! All 5 were invited for my 30th birthday and not one came. Luckily, lots of my other friends did, so I still had a good time.

Anyhoo, I am thinking I will probably go, as my friend offering us to stay is v kind, my friends are lovely, and I don't want to lose touch. A bit meh that I will have to do it all again two weeks later, when I go visit my family at easter, but as a Disappointed said, it is the job of the person who has moved away to do the travelling, so I will have to grin and bear it.

Ta for the good advice, it is helpful to chat these things through. Grin

OP posts:
Hassled · 06/03/2015 14:36

Another one who came to see what objection to time travel you could possibly have :o.

You're busy and tired and are back at work with a young baby - completely understandable that you give it a miss. They'll understand.

Original poster
Dontunderstand01 · 06/03/2015 14:40

Sorry to all the would betime-travellers! That would be a much more exciting thread!

Ithink I would travel back to about two weeks before I decided to move to arse end of no where and change my mind! If only!!!

OP posts:
Totality22 · 06/03/2015 14:47

OP you said this upthread "Feel a bit conflicted as have travelled to them for weddings, hen do's, birthdays etc" - well of course you've had to travel for these events as you are the person who moved away. I completely sympathise with the fact you are pissed off no-one every visits but to you can't well complain that you have had to travel for someone's wedding ??

Original poster
Dontunderstand01 · 06/03/2015 15:00

You are right totality, I shouldn't be so churlish. I guess I am tired of feeling so far away from everyone and everything... the move was meant to be for 2-3 years, but here I still am... that's a whole nother thread!

OP posts:
NeedABumChange · 06/03/2015 15:19

It's up to you, no one is being unreasonable. If you want to see your friends then go, if you don't want to then don't. But if you don't want to see them then maybe think about whether you still think of them as friends or just people you know.

farewellfigure · 06/03/2015 15:26

Another one really disappointed it wasn't time travel. Are we all tired or something?

OP I'd go. You'll probably have a great time and forget about feeling 'meh'.