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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to just want a straight yes or no...

13 replies

stripysox · 06/03/2015 11:04

...from sil?

sil lives close by. she is a mature woman. no children. she dotes on her nephews but always hedges her bets when invited to something related to them. we're talking maybe 3-4 times a year. birthday tea for just family or watching them if they have a major part in a school play. i don't want to out myself by giving too much detail but she has recently said yes to attending an event and pulled out on the day. now there is another very small but special family event planned. she says she'll try and make it. this is a typical. but i want to know numbers and to tell the dc if she is coming. they love her and are quite grown up dc and will def notice her absence.

AIBU to just want a straight yes or no? tbh i often ask her to ensure she feels included, rather than it making a massive difference if she comes or not. but it drives me potty to be half waiting for someone and not know if they're coming till the hour or 2 before. aibu to say that if you're invited to something, you just say yes. or no. none of this maybe shite! aibu to text and say let me know night before so i know numbers? i feel petty but her attitude really irritates me.

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SmallBee · 06/03/2015 11:10

My DH does this, I get answers like 'maybe','probably' or I'll let you know.
It drives me insane, either he does want to go or he doesn't. I don't understand this not wanting to commit to something.
No solution I'm afraid but YANBU.

stripysox · 06/03/2015 11:13

thanks smallbee. as it is a real pattern, shall i just have frank convo with her. i think there are 2 explanations. either she feels bad about saying no and that she feels obliged... or that she simply wants to suit her self and play it by ear, depending on how much she feels like it/ time she has on the day.

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PintofCiderPlease · 06/03/2015 11:16

Just get firm - she needs to tell you if it's a YES, and if it's anything else (ie maybe) you treat it as a NO - so don't book a place for her, don't get tickets for her, tell your DC she's not coming, and then DON'T MENTION IT AGAIN TO HER.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/03/2015 11:21

I think a frank conversation is the best idea - something along these lines:

"SIL - it really pisses me off that you either won't give a clear yes/no answer to an invitation, or that you accept and then back out at the last minute. We love you, the kids love spending time with you, and we want you to feel included, so I'd hate to stop inviting you to things - and we don't expect you to come to everything we invite you to - but please can you stop being so flaky, otherwise I will just stop inviting you to things!"

stripysox · 06/03/2015 11:22

pint, the last one was a 'yes' so i booked a place and she cancelled on the day (i was out of pocket but she did say she'd pay).

this one's a maybe... it's her dn's small family birthday celebration. i don't think she realises that the dc ask if she is coming and i feel like i have to make excuses for her!

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stripysox · 06/03/2015 11:23

ok SDTG thats interesting. i can be a bit intense and easily pissed off if i think someone is inconsiderate, so glad to know i'm not over reacting.

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FenellaFellorick · 06/03/2015 11:23

tell her that. Maybe it will make her think a bit about how what she's doing affects other people.

Do you know why she backs out? Is she ok?

WaxOnWaxOff · 06/03/2015 11:24

When you invite her, can you say "can you let me know either way by x date, otherwise I'll assume it's a no".

NARsWife · 06/03/2015 11:25

What SDTG said

stripysox · 06/03/2015 11:25

fenella, i really think its the latter of the 2 scenarios i posted at 11.13

she is also a pathologically late person, and to me this can be indicative of someone not respecting someone else's time as much as their own.

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stripysox · 06/03/2015 11:30

i think it might be '40 year old woman with no children unused to putting anyone else first syndrome'...is that unreasonable??

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MiddleAgedandConfused · 06/03/2015 11:34

i don't think she realises that the dc ask if she is coming and i feel like i have to make excuses for her!

Just text and and say that - you need to know so that you can tell the DCs what is going on as they keep asking if they will see her.

People who do this sort of thing drive me nuts.

stripysox · 06/03/2015 11:40

middle, i will say that next time. i've played the 'need to know numbers card' in a text just now, and i don't want to go overboard with my reaction...glad its not just me!

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