To expect DH to help out with domestic stuff now I am back in work full time?

[LolaCrapola]

I recently returned to word full time having retrained and spending twelve years at home as a SAHM. DH works a nine day fortnight (that is very other Friday off). We have a cleaner once a fortnight who also does some ironing.

Yet it seems to be me that spends the weekend doing between 4 and 6 loads of washing and all the other stuff involved in washing - you know, drying, folding, ironing and putting away - the things laundry fairy does? I do the online shop - planning meals for the week while DH will shop on his day off for the weekend only. I cook in the week he cooks at weekends ( that is mainly because I get home before him on a weeknight) and I am the one that will clean when the cleaner is off.

So I know I that I am not being unreasonable to expect help with some of the boring domestics ....But how the hell do I get him to help??? he once went four days wearing the same pair of pants becAuse there were no clean ones (erm, I had deliberately not washed any to see if he would help?). I have asked repeatedly for help, I have told him I am struggling with everything....yet nada, nothing. He seems to be able to manage putting the washing in the machine but then does nothing with it.....what should I do to get him to do his fair share?

When returning to work after mat leave and having done all household stuff whilst I was off, I told dh that we had to split chores 50/50 and asked him which jobs he wanted to do. He does the washing and deep cleans either upstairs or down stairs once a week. He does his chores at his own pace; I never moan at when or how he does it. Be honest and resolute. Good luck.

To begin with, we had a list of chores on the fridge. DH'S idea because he needed reminding of his jobs. Worked though.

I despair that there are so many hs like this on here!

Change your expectations OP. Don't expect him to 'help', expect him to 'share'.

List of jobs on fridge is a good idea. Could your cleaner come more often now you are back at work?

CLeaner once a week.
Put a wash on every day, hang out, when dry throw in basket for ready to iron pile. Cleaner once a week does all sorting folding ironing. Increase cleaner hours so this can be done.

Leave dh s clothes he can wash them separately unless he starts sharing this.

Could you do that thing they are very fond of in this situation in TV shows, and get a poster with you and him on, then all the jobs on bits of paper and stack them up on the one who does them (or in the centre for 'both, equally') - then you can see how lopsided it is and discuss how they get adjusted until both of you feel the arrangement is fair.

Cleaning his own house isn't 'helping out' I hope you can sort this unfair situation out.

Well you're definitely NBU! But... that's a long time where DH was used to having everything done for him, he probably (rightly or wrongly)doesn't know what you do or at least the extent of it.

Sit down and talks to him, make every job clear and tell him which specific jobs he needs to be doing. There isn't an excuse at all for not helping, this way he can't excuse himself. Good luck ,

If, as you say, you have tried telling him, maybe it is time to stop playing nice. Wash/hang/iron/put away only your own clothes. Cook only for yourself. Anything he dirties or leaves out which gets in your way simply place on his pillow or on his side of the bed so he will find it at bedtime. Just say, matter of factly, "oh, I put your receipts/change/tie/gadgets there for you." Actions speak louder than words.

I'm a feminist but it is like pushing shit up hill with a rake to get men who have had years of free-riding off their wives to change their habits. I just couldn't be bothered with the nagging/huffing/asking/pleading. Make both your lives easier, up the cleaner's hours.

Also, what chores are your kids doing? They could be doing the family washing perhaps?

Best thing I EVER did for our relationship, getting a cleaner/ironer. Saved 90 percent of arguments.