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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my friend should be contacting me- not me her?

20 replies

unreasonablemoi1 · 05/03/2015 11:00

I have had a bit of an issue with a very old friend for some time- her lack of effort around the friendship so that's the history.

Well, when we spoke not too long ago I was going to visit my elderly Mum who has been seriously ill. (lives 5 hrs away) and friend was - at the same time - going to stay in her 2nd home in Spain. I was due to come home from my mums a day before her- so she asked me to email her and let her know how my mum was when I was home. My Mum was very kind to her some years ago when she (friend) was going through a rough time with a man.

I found this totally bizarre because she has a mobile ( as do I) and a landline in her house in Spain ( and it's not as if she can't afford the calls.) I just felt this was another example of her lack of effort, putting the ball in my court rather than picking up her phone and calling me if she was concerned about my parents.

AIBU?

OP posts:

HereIAm20 · 05/03/2015 11:07

Isn't she just being caring by saying let me know how your Mum is when you get back. After all you are home a day before so she asked for a free email not an expensive call. Presumably she'd pick up her email whilst abroad and I suspect she'd email back or even call when she got home to say good news or to symphathise if not good news.

I understand what you mean about one way friendships. I have been through a number of those and now just accept that is how that relationship is with that particular person. However in this case I think she means no harm and is being caring.

countessmarkyabitch · 05/03/2015 11:07

Friendship shouldn't be an effort. You sound like you have very high expectations which can only be disappointed.
She politely asked you to let her know how your mother is. That's nice. You demanding she call you to find out if she wants to know...thats not so nice.

ChipDip · 05/03/2015 11:11

I think yabu. She's asked that you let her know when you are back home, assuming that it's more convenient to mail when you do have time. I can't see what she has done wrong here.

WaxOnWaxOff · 05/03/2015 11:14

sorry, can't see how she's at fault here. YABU.

Original poster

unreasonablemoi1 · 05/03/2015 11:14

ok- fair enough. I suppose though I thought if she was bothered, she'd contact me.

OP posts:

ChipDip · 05/03/2015 11:16

Maybe she didn't want to intrude in case you were not in a position to talk about things while with your mum?

arethereanyleftatall · 05/03/2015 11:19

Yabu. And what a really odd thing to be upset about. She's being nice!

sonjadog · 05/03/2015 11:19

I think she is behaving fine. Maybe because you have felt this way before you are reacting more strongly than necessary?

People behave differently in friendships. I have friends who would call regularly, ones who would email and ones who I only see when I am back in the UK. I consider them all good friends and I'm sure they feel the same about me. People are different and like different levels of contact. It sounds like your friend likes a different level of contact in her friendships than you do. That's okay. It's okay to want more too. Can you accept that this is who she is and like her for what she is offering? If not, maybe you are too different to be able to be good friends.

I am not the best at keeping in contact myself, so maybe I am unusually easy-going about stuff like this.

fassbendersmistress · 05/03/2015 11:25

Friendships do evolve and change over time. maybe you need to readjust your expectations.

I am sort of in your friends shoes where Ive been accused of not making enough effort in the friendship. I make loads of effort (this, in spite of being ill with severe depression) but my friend has ridiculously high expectations. It's exhausting and quite stressful living up to them. She completely flipped out when I didn't text to 'congratulate her on her DS's birthday'!! I had sent a video msg to her DS the following morning and later explained that on the day I had found out my sister was very ill so was completely distracted....she is still blanking me over this and told me not to bother bringing over the present I have bought her DS. Rude.

Do you value the friendship? If so, don't scare her away...

EmptySoulKindHeart · 05/03/2015 11:31

i understand why you are upset i went through a bad time before and i had a friend who only whatsapped me and never bothered to call it did annoy me but dont fall out with her over it when she gets back just mention it to her that you would of appreciated a call

sonjadog · 05/03/2015 11:31

If I were you, I'd let that friendship go, fassbender.

BestZebbie · 05/03/2015 11:32

You are the one with the info about your Mum, so getting her to get in touch to ask again and then you replying just seems to add an extra step - at some point you need to tell her the mum status anyway?

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 05/03/2015 11:57

I'm sorry about your mum, perhaps this is why you're over thinking things.

I don't know the back story, but to find fault with this does make you sound, and sorry to be blunt, a bit like hard work. If the other examples of her "lack of effort" are like this then I think you perhaps have very high standards and require different things from a friendship.

ShadowSpiral · 05/03/2015 12:15

Could she be concerned that you may find a phone call inconvenient or intrusive if she calls when you're busy with your mum?

NoonarAgain · 05/03/2015 12:24

i completley agree with the OP actually. i have a friend who has a very seriously ill sister. when i knew that her sister was flying back to the uk on a given day, it was down to me, as a good friend, to remember the date of her sister's return and get in touch with my friend to ask about her sister's health and support her following her meeting with her sister. if i had asked her to get in touch with me and update me on her sister's health, i'd have simply been giving her another job to do.

NoonarAgain · 05/03/2015 12:25

completely

cashewnutty · 05/03/2015 12:25

I hate making/receiving phone calls and use e mail a lot so it sounds like the sort of thing i would say. It sounds to me like she is concerned about your mum and would like to know how she is. I think she is being nice.

HeisenbergsBlueMeth · 05/03/2015 12:25

I think you're being oversensitive

QueenB14 · 05/03/2015 12:29

It may just have been her way of letting you know that even though she was overseas you were still free to contact her re your mum. If I was in her shoes I wouldn't want you to think you couldn't "bother" me whilst I was away

youarekiddingme · 05/03/2015 12:34

Maybe try looking at it another way?

She has asked how your mum is. You were unable to explain exactly at the time as pre visit. So she has given you an opportunity to answer in your own time in a way she'll reveive the information more reliably.

Due to the invention and increase in smartphones and tablet devices email is an easy way to send information longer than a quick message, that you would discuss in a phonecall - when a phonecall is not mutually convenient at that time.

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