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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DM undermining me

28 replies

flufferlump · 05/03/2015 08:24

I am overreacting to be frustrated by this and how should I handle it? My 7 year old was badly behaved in school this week, two of his friends were fighting and he was part of a group chanting 'fight, fight'. He has been punished at school and at home I told him why this behaviour was unacceptable and banned him from computer games for the week. My DM looks after him one day a week when I got home he was playing games on her tablet, I told him off as he knew he was banned but DM said that he had told her this but that she had told him it was ok to play on her's. (With hindsight I should have explained the punishment fully before I left him with her). When I described what he's done she said 'well kids do that' in front of him. I said that it wasn't ok to encourage people to fight and that the teachers and I were very unhappy with his behaviour. My DM does a lot for us and I love her very much but I don't want her undermining the messages that the school and I are trying to give DS about the acceptability of this kind of thing. I haven't had much success asking her to do things differently with DC in the past, she gets offended and we end up arguing.

OP posts:

mimishimmi · 05/03/2015 08:34

I think you should let it go. She's doing you a big favour.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 05/03/2015 08:54

If its only ne day a week then I wouldnt expect her to enforce your punishment, however I absoloutely would tackle her on the undermining

If she disagrees with something you do as a parent and wants to discuss it then she needs to do it well away from DS.

pressone · 05/03/2015 08:59

"(With hindsight I should have explained the punishment fully before I left him with her). When I described what he's done she said 'well kids do that' in front of him. I said that it wasn't ok to encourage people to fight and that the teachers and I were very unhappy with his behaviour."

Your explanation and sanction are reasonable however you have two issues here

you did not properly explain what you wanted and why to your DM (which you recognise).
You tried to explain either with DS in the room or where he could run in and listen - "she said 'well kids do that' in front of him". Either you expressed your opinion in front of him but then were shocked that she did the same, or he ran in mid conversation.

IMO You should have asked DS to play in the other room/watch TV/read a book for 5 minutes so "I can talk to Granny", and you should have explained what you wanted and why before DS got there.

Let it go but sort out your comms for next time.

CaTsMaMmA · 05/03/2015 09:02

I think it makes for a miserable home life if you are involved in school punishments.

I wouldn't expect school to discipline a child for a home misdemeanour, and would generally not extend or add to any school sanctions either. Not for something like this anyways.

A stiff chat about NotGettingInvolved and maybe an early night to think about how he might have behaved differently, but other than that, nah...let school deal with it.

If this is a one off from your ma then I'd let it lie, if she is constantly undermining you then you do have a bigger problem.

flora717 · 05/03/2015 09:10

It's totally right. To reinforce the school's stance on fighting (?). The OP doesn't want her child involved in fighting. So needs to make It clear. Fighting is pretty serious for adults in it's implications. Why shouldn't the OP take a stance?

pressone · 05/03/2015 09:14

I completely disagree with Catsmamma.

Parents and school should be a mutual support network. If you decide your child is going to be vegetarian or atheist etc then the school should support you in thast. If the school decides that they want to discourage fighting then you should support therm in that. If you feel the misdemeanour was serious enough then you should impose your home sanction in addition to the school one, if you feel it is a minor transgression, then you may fell the school punishment is enough.

Doing something wrong affects all parts of life. If I punch someone in the street I don't expect my employer and my DP to say this is nothing to do with me. I would expect each of them to think what is going on, why did she do this, do I still want to employ her/be with her.

Life isn't a set of seperate boxes, everything affects everything else. We have to give mutual support across the piece.

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2015 10:25

I think you should support schools and their discipline and sanctions.

However, that does not mean that you have to pile in on top. He had his punishment at school and at home he needed to be told that his parents were disappointed in his behaviour and that the school were right in their punishment. I wouldn't be dishing out treats and rewards but I wouldn't be adding punishments either.

I'm also not sure with the DM. She should be doing the same; backing you up and agreeing not undermining but I never think it's right asking someone else in a different situation to carry out your punishments for you.

(Your partner at home is obviously not included in that statement)

SomewhereIBelong · 05/03/2015 10:29

I also do not think it is right to involve DM in punishments. He is with her for one day - keep the punishment YOUR punishment of him and add a day at home.

It is unfair to try to make someone else punish your child for you, then be upset when they don't want to.

Thumbwitch · 05/03/2015 10:50

YABU to be upset with her for voicing her opinion when you challenged her within hearing of your DS, I think. I agree you should have taken her aside and done that where he couldn't hear.

I think you are right to back up the school's stance, and to be privately disappointed in his behaviour as well, and I think that justifies you giving him your own punishment, to reinforce that it's not just the school that thinks he did wrong, you do too.

It is undermining of your mum to disagree with you in terms of how you view his behaviour; but you must take the blame for it in this instance because you didn't explain it to her, nor did you explain the punishment. In future, make sure you lay out what you expect in terms of her adhering to the punishment.

Is this the first time something like this has happened or does she have form for doing this?

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2015 13:47

If iwas told 'what was expected in terms of punishment' when looking after my DGC I wouldn't 't be doing it very often.

Thumbwitch · 05/03/2015 15:08

So you would choose to undermine the mother of your DGC's parental choices instead, would you Nanny?

SomewhereIBelong · 05/03/2015 15:41

Thumb - I would say.... keep your punishment for your time, you want me to carry on "doing a lot" for you, having them one day a week I will not play "bad nan" - I'd rather just see them at the weekend and be able to have some fun.

(you can't play games, you can't watch telly, you can't see friends - that is all fine when in the care of a parent)

TwoOddSocks · 05/03/2015 16:30

The comment "kids do that" would be slightly irritating but definitely let it go. Let your punishment count in your time and let her set rules (within reason) during hers. I think that's just the difference between having family help out and paying for childcare - you can't make as many demands on what happens during their time there.

LittleBairn · 05/03/2015 16:33

Your mother clearly does not respect your parenting decisions. I would not want anyone who undermines me in front of my child to provide childcare even if it is only once a week.

LittleBairn · 05/03/2015 16:36

nanny what an odd response. Would you honestly ignore the parents instruction just because your the grandmother that sounds a tad like matriarchal domination to me.

RhiannonElward · 05/03/2015 16:49

YANBU to expect your mother to support you and not make light of the situation. Yes okay you should have explained better to your mother, but why she would have wanted to make you out to be the unreasonable one is beyond me. Your mother's job as grandmother is to support you, surely, and where some rules can be relaxed with dgp, the odd extra treat might be alright, no dgp should want to hinder your efforts at discipline. I have a mother myself who defends my children's actions when I am telling them off and it drives me up the wall.

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2015 16:53

No I wouldn't undermine. If one of my dc punished their child in their house I would never argue or criticise in front of the child.
If I babysat at their house and the DC had been told no computer games (for example) I would follow that rule.

And I follow rules laid down regarding food, drink, tv programmes, bedtimes etc.

But I will not carry out a punishment for something that was nothing to do with me, didn't happen in front of me and wasn't against one of my rules in my house. And could potentially have an impact on me.
Punishments need to be carried out by the people that gave them, not others.

Oh, and I wouldn't like my DC giving me 'instructions' in the tone that is coming over in your posts. I'm doing a favour - remember?

Jengnr · 05/03/2015 17:08

Lets be honest here Nannyogg, that favour isn't exactly a one way street is it? It's not like you don't get anything out of it. Everyone can benefit from grandparents providing childcare but refusing to carry out a punishment like the one described smacks of trying to buy the child's affection with treats and not caring whether you undermine the parents in the process. Not very respectful is it?

mimishimmi · 05/03/2015 20:21

I agree with NannyOgg. She's not saying she would deliberately undermine the parents, she's simply saying she would not provide as much care if the parents were trying to dictate how she looked after their child in her home. Neither would I. The reciprocal favour is not always clear, I've seen far too many instances where grandparents have provided years of childcare for their grandkids but when they start needing help, those children and grandkids are nowhere to be seen .... and some poor sibling who didn't receive nearly as much help for whatever reason (too far away, no kids etc) is lumped with the bulk of aged care. I'm sure the OP's mum has seen it too because I often hear such grandparents chatting about it at supermarkets, playgrounds etcwhen they see each other with two or three kids in tow.

Seven year olds can be very high spirited and presumably grandma would have deal his whining/ think of other ways to entertain him whilst he's in her care. It's not just about the child, it's also about giving a break to someone who is doing you a very big favour.

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2015 20:47

Lets be honest here Nannyogg, that favour isn't exactly a one way street is it? It's not like you don't get anything out of it

What, exactly, do I get out of it?

You give a punishment, you carry it out. I am not doing your dirty work. Sorry.

Oh, and the way some of the responses have been phrased don't show much respect to the DGP either.

Thumbwitch · 06/03/2015 00:43

Your reading of my "tone" is your issue, Nanny. You wouldn't be doing me any favours with your reaction either.

If the child in question has been told "no screen time" for a week, then I would sincerely HOPE that my MIL would follow through on that, regardless of whose home it was in. If not, then MIL wouldn't be doing me any "favours" again either. You might not think you're undermining, but you would be if you chose to ignore that punishment, regardless of who set it.

mimishimmi · 06/03/2015 04:15

What if the punishment you decide on has adverse consequences for the grandparent OP? Imagine your DS and grandmother had a weekly tradition of going to a certain teahouse for afternoon tea with her friends and it was a highlight of the week for both her and your DS. Then he does something wrong and you say "No teahouse for you this week". That's really unfair on the grandmother. I can't understand how you can't see that giving your DS some screen time would be giving her a break. I think you need to find a paid carer if this is realiy impotant to you.... Even then probably not aspects of care are not going to go your way because, guess what, you or your partner are not the ones giving it.

Coyoacan · 06/03/2015 04:16

I adore my DGC and I love seeing them, but I would not enjoy regular childcare. I find it very tiring. I prefer seeing them/taking them out with their granddad or their parents to 'share the load'. But when I do it, in my own home I am not (I have no need to) trying to 'buy' affection
I agree with NannyOg. I love my dgd but I don't have the energy my dd has. I'm happy to do a favour looking after the little one, but just because I enjoy it, does not mean that I am so lucky I've been asked to childmind.
And, if it is only one day out of the week, why should it be spent imposing punishments that end up being punishments for the carer too.

TwoOddSocks · 06/03/2015 06:38

I think my mum would definitely agree with Nannyogg. She loves my DS but I think she'd find regular childcare very draining and it would definitely be a favour from her point of view rather than some mutually beneficial arrangement. I think she'd probably want to let him have some screen time as a break for herself and to make the time fun and a bit of a treat rather than turning it into second round of parenting (where you don't even get to set the rules yourself).

thatsucks · 06/03/2015 06:45

So he's been punished at school, punished at home and you want him punished at your mother's too? Way OTT.

Your mum's right - kids do do that. He's 7, he was just joining in a playground chant. He's been told by the school and by you why that's wrong and not a way to behave, so that's that. Seven is still very young.

She's doing you a big favour - I have always taken the opposite view when grandparents have had the dc. Their rules, their way. If it helps her for him to have some screen time I'd zip your lip to be honest unless you want to find alternative childcare?

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