To ask for reassurance re social sevices/social worker?

[needmentalhealthhelp]

I'll try and keep this short, but I feel like I am in a total nightmare tbh.

My husband and I are seperated. We were trying to work on the marriage and had arranged couples counselling which we were on a waiting list for, but were/are living apart. Social sevices initially became involved due to my teenager awaiting a CAHMS referral and we asked the school to contact SS to see if they could offer any help/support as his behaviour was challenging at home and at school. Since my husband left it has become apparent to me that his behaviour was emotionally abusive (two seperate incidence of physical abuse also happened years ago) and I have taken steps to address this by speaking to women's aid, having counselling etc. I also have depression and anxiety and a physical illness which is draining/difficult as it's very rare so no one really knows how to treat it but the treatment itself makes me ill.

Without going into too much detail, as it will get too long, social services have since had other referrals. One was a report from my younger son's school after the couples counselling service contacted them and one was from my husband after I left to stay at my Mums, which I feel was part of his abuse, but I think social services are aware of this. Be claimed he was concerned about the children due to my mental health.

So, now the social worker is the social worker for all the DC and although the social worker doesn't appear concerned I feel anxious about things. I do my best as a Mum but feel I am being criticised. Not by the social worker but by these reports. One of the concerns my younger sons school made was that they think I don't read his home/school diary every day.

Today the social worker came and asked to lol at the children's rooms. I feel embarrassed as although downstairs is always tidy, upstairs isn't and there was some clean but unfolded laundry and a few books/spare bedding etc in the upstairs hallway waiting to be out away. Two of the DC'a bedding was also in the washing machine, (stripped this morning once they'd got up for school) so the beds were unmade and the stairs/upstairs is probably long overdue for a Hoover.

I am worried that they will think I'm not a good enough Mother and that ultimately they will take the DC away. I know a lot of that is irrational. But it feels awful. Can anyone reassure me at all?

they just like to check that the kids have their own places to sleep (though they don't care if they use them or not), don't worry too much about it. I'm sure they've seen worse than a bit of laundry and clutter

You're doing laundry? You're fine. :) Really. The social worker tolerance level for mess is very very high.

I am a SW and nothing you have said strikes as something to be over concerned about. They have had a few referrals and are carrying out an assessment. They will not remove your children on the basis of what you have said. They will probably try to put you in touch with the appropriate services in order to help you out. I know people often don't believe this but social workers do their utmost best to keep children in their families and are mostly pleasant people who want to help families who are having a some problems.

I have a highly negative view of SS both personally and in general. However, they don't separate families unless they absolutely have to. As for the bedding issue, I knew a family who had SS around asking to see bedrooms. The teenager refused to have bedding on, actually took clean bedding off deliberately. They made a point of it, they had to have bedding, but the situation never changed. Your allowed to do laundry ffs. I really don't know how these people don't have better things to do, you ask them for help, you end up being the bad guy. SS don't want to help anyone, they just like ticking boxes.

Don't worry about it, sounds like you are doing your best in a tough situation .

I am a SW. We can tell easily whether the home is considered as neglectful. Stripped beds to wash sheets are easily identified.

We balance it with general cleanliness and availability of age appropriate toys and resources.

I have been in a few houses that have made my toes curl. Yours does not sound to be at that level at all. If I was concerned about home conditions then I would raise it on the spot with the parent, as I could point things out physically to them.

Ps please don't worry.

Thankyou. TheMShip, that made me laugh, Thankyou! Yes, I do laundry, there's always a mountain of it waiting to be folded and put away, that's what having five DC does I suppose!

The social worker IS lovely and it's nothing they do that makes me feel anxious. I feel like they re very anxious and open with me and I appreciate that. I would rather then be open and honest and discuss any concerns as when they go I do feel like maybe they did have concerns they didn't mention. I'm not sure how much of a part in this my anxiety plays.

I think part of the reason I feel anxious is because, for example, the school (younger son) didn't discuss any concerns about his behaviour with me and I feel that they have completely over reacted after the couples counselling contacted them and they are apparently concerned about things/behaviours which they have never even previously discussed with me. (My son has SN) then there's the fact that I feel the couples counselling service have gone behind my back as they specifically said they would make me aware if they needed to make a referral or discuss with other agencies and had said they may intact CAHMS. They phoned a week or so after the assessment appointment to ask for details of the schools and I specifically asked if they had any concerns and they said no and it was routine information that had been missed out. So this has obviously affected my trust.

I had ss involved with me and my dc after an incident with my ex.
My upstairs was a tip! The social worker wasn't concerned at all. In fact she was lovely and really helped me and dc. I was terrified of ss before that but my experience with them was nothing but positive. They really are there to help.

Given the way the counselling has gone behind your back and lied about the nature of their enquiries, I'd seriously consider submitting a complaint

Agencies are supposed to discuss their concerns with parents first in order to advise and seek a resolution, unless there is suspicion of significant harm.
A SS referral should be agreed between the parent and the agency.

The counselling service had no business talking to anyone without your permission.
At the very least I would be complaining formally!
What a gross betrayal of their service users!

Thankyou. I am considering contacting the couples counselling to complain, but I'm worried this may make me look bad. I am completely OK with them feeling there may be concerns over the children and taking appropriate action/contacting social services, obviously they have to do that if get feel it's necessary, but it appears they have contacted the school/a and given them personal information about me and they have done this after specifically saying they weren't going to do that.

As it stands, the marriage has ended due to the abuse, but as my husband has now agreed to get individual help whilst we are living apart and not in a relationship, then it may have been that we would have still gone to the counselling, or I may have felt that going individually would be helpful to me, but clearly I don't feel I could trust anyone there now.

There is a duty to report directly to SS (rather than discuss with you) only if they believe your children are suffering significant harm.
There is no circumstance where they should be talking to a school about you! None whatsoever - that amounts to a gross breach of confidentiality!
For a 'counselling service' this is outrageous!

Thank you. Obviously I'm not entirely sure what they said to the school, but I'm going to ring and speak to the manager (of the counselling service) tomorrow in order to make a formal complaint. I just feel this has totally damaged any trust that existed and I'm not sure why they contacted the school and not SS of why they actually denied they were going to do so. I'm also not sure whether to contact my younger son's school as they hadn't even made me aware there was any problem with his behaviour.

The whole situation is obviously very upsetting and

I'd be asking the school why they never mentioned anything.
Also 'don't check the diary everyday?!'. That would mean reporting well over 50% of parents at the school I am working at, I check diaries twice a week. It's a pretty strange referal point.

In my experience, home conditions alone don't lead to removal of children. The conditions that do raise concern are faeces around the home, clutter to the point you can't get in rooms, no washing/cooking/sleeping facilities. Your house sounds absolutely fine. Glad you are getting on well with your social worker.

Thankyou. I have spoken to the school and also made a complaint to the counselling service. Having given the latter a brief outline they have said they view it as extremely serious and the manager is off this week but will contact me on his return.

The school apparently have concerns as my son has been unsettled and upset/crying a lot. I was aware there had been some issues with him getting on the bus, but nothing else. However, I was in hospital around the time it started and he wasn't able to visit me as the ward was a transplant ward and didn't allow children to visit. My illness is ongoing and I'm not sure how much of this he understands or whether he is maybe worried I am going to go I to hospital again, but he certainly doesn't get upset like this at home and has been his normal, happy self, maybe a bit tired, but nothing else. There has obviously been some miscommunication about a few things as the schools version was rather different to the social worker's, so maybe there have been some crossed wires.

In any case, the DC won't be seeing any more arguing as I have limited contact with my husband (eg. Him seeing the DC outside of the home) specifically in order to avoid any conflict.

I still feel very worried about the whole situation though.

With all types of jobs there is going to be people that are great at there job, and some not so great.
From what I have read you have nothing to be worried about.
Your home sounds like a normal home, and I'm sure most parents forget to look at sign etc school stuff from time to time.

I had ss involved as a child, I must say my sw was fantastic and when I moved out of supportive logdings at 17 she came round my new place with black bags full of stuff to help me into my new life (all from her own pocket).
So ss are not all bad, hope they help you in a supportive way.

Ah bless him, although it sounds like school did not have sufficient concerns to talk to SS directly until the counselling service approached them.
This makes me think it has been a bit of a back covering exercise by school.
SS are well used to this since all agencies (IMHE) try to 'dump' responsibility onto them.
If there is nothing SS can offer to help they will tell you this, but who knows, they might be useful to you. If you do not want SS involvement (and there is no risk of your child suffering significant harm) you are free to decline any service or assessment. I think people are often made to feel they have to agree to work with SS, but that's not the case at all. Up to the Child Protection level, barring court orders, it's a purely voluntary 'partnership'

I really hope you go after them at the counselling service though. That was a breach of their policies on child protection and confidentiality. I can imagine the loss of trust that this betrayal will have caused, but I promise that most counselors protect their service users confidentiality as a priority.