druggy daughter

[mostlygrateful]

I've just found out that my son is taking/doing (whatever the lingo is!) taking drugs. He is an adult but I am devastated as e is also showing signs addiction. He came home with a rash, has lost weight and has a change of personality. Our relationship was always a difficult one so this hasn't made things easy. Can you give me any advice on who to contact for help?

Confused - not that it matters I suppose - but is it your daughter or your son?
Do they live at home?

To be honest, unless he comes to the conclusion himself that he wants to stop, there's not much you can do, especially as he's an adult.

Here's a start:

www.addaction.org.uk/page.asp?section=177&sectionTitle=How+we+support+families

www.adfam.org.uk/find_a_local_support_group

www.supportline.org.uk/problems/drugs.php

And the Google page I found them on for some more:

www.google.co.uk/search?q=Families+of+drug+addicts+uk&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&gws_rd=cr&ei=Qgf2VNCIM6OC7gbl_YHgDw

And

im sure there is lots you can do and hopefully someone more in the know will be along, but surely talking, trying to make the relationship better? can you take them away for a weekend, or day trip?

can you work out what drugs, why, who , where when?

how old, are you enabling, providing money and roof?

Adfam is a good place to start, also look for local addiction support groups who work with family and friends.
I will repeat what littlefluffyclouds has said that unless he/she wants help then you may be banging your head against a wall.

What I would say is if you suspect talk, don't accuse talk, stop giving money that includes bus fare etc ( give lifts if possible), cut that off.

But support, support, support which is different than enable!

This has nothing to do with your relationship or you, don't take it personally and this is all to do with your loved one, issues that they are dealing with etc.
Maybe they are trying to escape something physically or mentally or maybe they just like the feeling.
Best place is professional help, talk to the support groups.

Thanks all for your help and for the information on the support groups available. It is my son (I was talking to my daughter and typing hence the error!). He is 22 years old (soon to be 23 years).

I know that there is nothing I can do unless he wants to stop taking drugs. He has had a tough relationship which has impacted on him negatively. He is also not very confident and has not had a happy childhood. I have blamed myself for much of this - I have an A* for this - so feel responsible for his unhappiness but he was never an easy child and a terrible teen. But I still love him very much. I would never wish this on anyone.

Thank you again.

What is he taking?

Sorry that you are going through this, but please don't blame yourself. I was heavily into drugs when I was younger, and over those years had hundreds of friends/aqaintances who were also taking a lot of drugs. We came from all different walks of life and it's far more likely that it is the people he is hanging around with/the culture of that group that has got him into drugs, not anything you have done. Lots of my friends, including me, had good, stable childhoods and relationships with our parents, and we still decided to mess ourselves up really badly.

The good news is, 10 years on, the vast majority of those people have left that behind them and gone on to have decent jobs, kids etc. it's very likely your son will do the the same. Let him know you are worried about him and then he will have that tinkling away at the back of his mind, knowing that you care and hopefully at some point helping to kick his conscience into packing it in, but that won't happen until he is ready and there's not much you can do about that.

My parents were desperately worried about me. I remember my mum standing in my room staring at me when I'd been on a bender and not slept for 5 days, and I looked like a skeleton, she was crying and saying over and over 'what are you doing to yourself?'. I told her to fuck off. You're likely to get a similar response from him but at least he'll know you care. There isn't much you can do, but there are support groups out there for relatives and friends of drug users which you might find really helpful. Something has to click inside him to want to change his behaviour, but just love him and support him as much as you can until that happens.

Thanks for giving me some hope. And that's all I can do is hope that there will be a turnaround, sooner rather than later. I think he's taking coke judging by the amount of clearing the nose that's going on. He won't tell me - just says different things.

I have kept him home for now but won't be able to control this, obviously. He will be going to stay with his father today (we are divorced and he has been the cause of a lot of problems between us). I had to take his privileges of using the house as when I was away, he had friends over and the place was a mess - outdoor heaters being used indoors, glasses full of ash, dishes piled up etc. I had given him strict instructions of not having anyone over whilst I was away. So I changed the locks and told him to only be at home when I was at home. He has been home with me since he left uni. He is working part-time and this is where he met his new friends and changed. Whilst he has been at home, he would come in when I was at work, have a shower, eat, take some clean clothes and I would not see him for days on end. Over a four month period, I may have seen him twice. Before I knew he was on drugs, I told him to stay with his father so that I could show him that using the house as a hotel and using me as a maid was not appropriate. Now I have to re-think things. The thing is that his work is closer to his father's house and at least he will go there more often than he has come home. Anyway, this is the full story.

coke's not cheap, so if he's only working part time he probably isn't doing that much as he wont be able to afford it, so it's likely to be more of a recreational thing than a full scale addiction. Again, me and my friends did a shit load of coke over quite a few years and we all lived to tell the tale, and none of us do it any more (well maybe a few still do very occasionally). Not trying to belittle coke use or say it's ok, but just pointing out that for most young people using it, it's just a phase (maybe a phase that might last a few years, but still a phase).

Things will move on, if his friends are of s similar age, over the next few years some of them will end up settling down and having families, moving away, getting more responsible jobs etc, and the group will dwindle and fizzle out. Still, it's incredibly worrying for you, I realise that.