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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re my mum and FIL passing?

12 replies

ClashCityRocker · 01/03/2015 18:09

Ok, I think this is my first AIBU, and maybe I am bu...

Fil died unexpectedly two weeks ago. Dh and I were very close to him and are both devestated. We all live very close together, so my mum knew him well - she has been round there for Christmas dinner, both been to each other's 'big' birthdays, most special occasions we have all spent together, both his parents and my mum.

She isn't going to the funeral tomorrow as she has made plans to go for lunch with a friend. I can understand if she doesn't want to go, some people struggle with funerals, that's fair enough.

She hasn't even sent a card to mil though, or got in touch with us expressing sympathy. I've had to ring her, all she's had to say is 'I'm sorry about that...' and changes the subject.

Just to add, we are usually very close - all live within a 1km square radius and speak almost daily.

I'm bereft from the loss, and maybe that is clouding my judgement - but aibu to think she's being a bit shit?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 01/03/2015 18:11

Yes she is being a bit shit BUT do you think it has shaken her up a bit? Are they similar ages? I have found with my dad that when someone a similar age to him dies or becomes ill suddenly he struggles as it reminds him he is aging and these things happen more.

ChipDip · 01/03/2015 18:13

Yanbu, sorry about your fiL. It will cost her nothing to give your mil a card or a call even! And yes given that you all are a close family, she is being really bad about not going to the funeral.

ApocalypseThen · 01/03/2015 18:13

Yeah, I don't think it'd kill her to offer condolences in some form or other. Your husband is (theoretically) a fairly close family member, she should really express some kind of feeling for him, for you, for your children and for the widow as well.

landrover · 01/03/2015 18:16

Mmm, well maybe theres more to it than meets the eye! Let it go OP, it really doesn't matter in the scheme of things xxx Sorry for your loss x

ClumsyNinja · 01/03/2015 18:19

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

Does your mum realise how unhappy you are about her apparent lack of interest? I think you do need to make your feelings on this very clear to her before tomorrow. Could she have simply misunderstood your wishes?

Staywithme · 01/03/2015 18:24

I'm sorry if it seems to be an insensitive question OP, but is your father still alive? I'm wondering if the passing of your fil is dragging up a lot of bad memories for your mum.

Original poster
ClashCityRocker · 01/03/2015 18:27

landrover I think you're right, I need to let it go. I find I'm feeling very angry in general at the moment, and I do suspect that's colouring my judgement.

I do wonder if mum doesn't know 'what' to do, ifykwim - and maybe because of this, she's just trying to ignore it? She doesn't have a lot to do with her wider family, so it may, just may, be possible that she hasn't been exposed to anything like this before.

She's a lot younger than fil was (dh is 19 years older than I am) so I don't think fears of her own mortality is coming into play.

On the other hand,now hard is it to send a bloody card or write a well-meaning note or give someone a call?

OP posts:
Original poster
ClashCityRocker · 01/03/2015 18:30

staywithme interesting point. My dad is still alive, but they separated very acrimoniously about 15 years ago. They married very young (suspect something of a shotgun wedding, from what I know) and I truly don't think it was a loving marriage for either of them whilst they were together.

OP posts:
Staywithme · 01/03/2015 18:33

Thank you for answering OP. I wonder if she has difficulties in dealing with situations like this because she has come from a difficult back ground? Have you tried talking to her face to face and calmly asking her why she's behaving like this? Tell her you need her support.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 01/03/2015 18:43

Sorry for your loss, OP Flowers

I think death can make people act very odd. Some people are very good with tea and sympathy and others will cross the road to avoid you. But then, if she's not comfortable with face to face contact, a card wouldn't hurt.

I think the best thing is to concentrate on yourselves and your MIL and don't let her behaviour get to you.

Original poster
ClashCityRocker · 01/03/2015 19:32

Thanks for your thoughts. It's very helpful.

I do think I need to mention it to her - I also worry that she won't want to face the rest of the family (dh, mil, SIL and bil and nieces) if she hasn't acknowledged the death in any way.

I'm hoping it's because she doesn't know what to say. But my emotions are a bit all over the place at the minute and I just keep feeling angry towards her - which is probably unfair, she is, in other ways, a lovely woman and I love her to bits

OP posts:
TwoOddSocks · 01/03/2015 19:35

So sorry for your loss. YANBU, my now in laws were very much more supportive than that when my dad passed away very unexpectedly and we weren't married at the time and they hadn't met often.

I second the others in questioning whether she's been shaken up and is avoiding the subject for that reason. It's impossible to speculate why she's being like this without knowing her. Is she usually supportive? Or more self absorbed? Does she tend to bottle up difficult feelings?

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