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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think being happy with your life is not the same as being smug.

24 replies

lifeisnotadressrehersal · 01/03/2015 11:32

Dh and I decided a long time ago to up sticks and move. Left everything behind, new country, new language, new jobs etc.
We are happy with our decision, though there has been a lot of tears and stress along the way. Kids are in a really good school, we have a lovely house, life is for the most part good.
Anyhooo. While visiting relatives recently; getting asked all the usual questions when you haven't seen someone for years. I over heard some of them in the kitchen later calling me a smug cow, thinking I am better than them
I was really hurt and pissed off. I was only being honest that I am happy with the way things have turned out for us.
Is being happy seen as being smug? I definitely wasn't saying my life was better, I am just happy.

OP posts:

CinnabarRed · 01/03/2015 11:35

Impossible to say without having been there and heard you. But no, all things being equally, happy doesn't equal smug.

pineappleshortbread · 01/03/2015 11:35

No being happy is not the same she was being rude and nasty and was probably jealous. Being smug is more rubbing it in someone elses face or looking down on others lives which ypu werent doing. Ignore her and try feeling smug that your not as nasty or rude as her

Viviennemary · 01/03/2015 11:39

It's not really done in the UK to boast about having the perfect life. Pefect husband, lovely house, lovely children, great life. Not saying you actually did this but it's a lot more acceptable to moan and whine about your lot. And it makes for a lot more interesting conversation.

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 01/03/2015 11:40

I would say there are two possible reasons for being called smug

you were perhaps overdoing it and making comparisons with the life you left behind which may be the life they have. You may have inadvertently made out your life is better than theirs
they are unhappy in their life and rather than believe they can change it as you did they would rather assume you're a smug cow

I have a friend who has moved etc etc and she is always going on about how great her life is now. Very happy for her but she does it in a way that inherently insults my life and I end up coming away from the conversation feeling unhappier with my life than I should!!

bobs123 · 01/03/2015 11:49

I would say you have an absolute right to feel smug as you have obviously made a huge effort into upping sticks and all that - well done. However you have probably come across as such simply because you are happy and pleased with the way your life has turned out and there is always going to be jealousy from others

Nolim · 01/03/2015 11:50

Saying that you are happy and better somewhere else can be smug if you are constantly comparing everything. I had a relative who after living abroad would compare every single little thing. Like is the bus was 5 mins late or the waiter got the wrong order or there were bad news on tv then would say oh this does not happen in country x. Aaaggggrrrrr!

But if your family asks if you are happy then you are just being honest answering their question.

nachohousekeeper · 01/03/2015 11:58

Envy. If they asked you about your life, would they rather hear you were miserable and full of regret?

It sounds like you made good choices and it has worked out well for you. If I knew you I would be pleased for you.

I can see why hearing that they think you are smug is hurtful. Miserable buggers.

Duckdeamon · 01/03/2015 12:01

Bitching about you wasn't nice but impossible to say whether you were being smug, would depend how much you talked about your new life and what you said!

Original poster

lifeisnotadressrehersal · 01/03/2015 12:23

We have been gone for such a long time that I couldn't really compareas such. It's not a new lifeanymore, just life really.
Yes I do think we made the right choice back then, even though it is not all a bed of roses and there have been hard times, I do think we have a better life where we are. In saying that, it doesn't mean I think their choices are shit.
They were complaining about the UK a lot more that me if I'm honest. How lucky I was living somewhere else.
Yes I said we couldn't afford a comparable house (size & price) in the UK. They kept saying Oh lucky you . To then hear that they thought I was being smug really hurt. They were fishing for information and comparing, not me.

OP posts:

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 01/03/2015 12:28

Well then looks like they fall into the second camp in my list!

Just ignore and the next time they ask a question say

' oh let's not talk about my life, I wouldn't want you to think I'm being smug'

Bonsoir · 01/03/2015 12:30

Calling other people "smug" is frequently a way of directing unpleasant emotions of envy and ego-worthlessness towards others.

Original poster

lifeisnotadressrehersal · 01/03/2015 12:31

Luckily I won't see them for a while BuildYourOwnSnowman but I love that comment.

OP posts:

Remind · 01/03/2015 12:32

I have never, ever been party to a conversation where someone has been called smug. I might have thought it, but just the fact they were prepared to say it out loud says a lot about them IMO.

claraschu · 01/03/2015 12:33

It doesn't sound like you were being particularly smug. To me smug has to do with people confusing good luck with their own brilliance.

For instance, people who think their children's unusually good health, extreme cleverness, and aptitude for sports is all down to excellent diet/upbringing/parenting etc. (Maybe it is, but it is a bit annoying when people brag about it.)

In your case, if you were taking all the credit for your wonderful life, without ever mentioning any downsides/hard times or ever saying that you have been lucky (in addition to hard working and generally brilliant).

VinoTime · 01/03/2015 13:03

Oh OP

The sad thing about the human race is we're all so negatively contradictory at times. People are so desperate to be happy in life that they often end up hating those who achieve it when they haven't.

Folk ask questions like, "So, how's life treating you?!" and you give them your answer. But if it isn't the answer they're looking for or wanting to hear, if it isn't the answer that currently runs parallel to whatever their own circumstances may be, your answer can often go against you. Because some people are just complete miseries and cannot be happy for others.

You made new lives for yourselves. You made these huge changes and you are perfectly entitled to your slice of happy pie. Ignore them. To me, their comments are laced with jealousy. You have what they don't. You're happy, you're content and you made the right choices for you and yours. There is an ocean of difference between being happy and being smug. And for heavens sake, if you can't beam with delight and express how good the move has been for you all around your close family and friends, then sod the lot of them.

StellaAlpina · 01/03/2015 13:21

I don't think that was very nice of your relatives, you are meant to be able to be honest with your family. While that means you can tell them about the sucky stuff in life that also means you should be able to share the nice stuff too. Though sometimes I might be a bit envious inside overall I'm mainly happy to hear when nice stuff happens to people I care about.

Tangent - The odd self deprecating anecodote is usually appreciated though, at least in England. My relatives are mainly Italian and we don't don't really do self-depricating, people would taking you seriously and worry about you/wonder why you were being down on your self. Might be to do we Catholic 'being thankful for what you haveness'

morethanpotatoprints · 01/03/2015 13:24

The only place I have ever heard anybody relate smugness to happiness is on here tbh.
Most of the comments are borne out of jealousy and the happy person isn't being smug at all.

RatMort · 01/03/2015 13:57

I think this country has a weird attitude to other people emigrating. I'm Irish, and we're utterly used to people leaving Ireland for long periods, often for life, without feeling it denigrates those who stay at home, or that emigration is an odd thing to do - my generation fully expected to emigrate to find work, out of economic necessity. It was just what you did.

But in this country, presumably because it's not so culturally usual, it all seems bound up with aspirational notions of 'a place in the sun', deeply unrealistic expectations about life in, say, Australia being basically better, a riot of barbecues and surfing, a tendency on the part of those who leave to insist on the fabulousness of their new country and the crapness of the UK (possibly because they feel 'attacked' for leaving) and much more bitterness and outrage on the part of left-behind family and friends.

ElsaLitcha · 01/03/2015 13:58

It's usually jealousy I think! Unless you are word your happiness in a way that seems like a slight on the person you are talking to. That can come across a bit smug. It doesn't sound like you did that though so id go with then wanting what you have!

Original poster

lifeisnotadressrehersal · 01/03/2015 15:04

Thank good I don't have to see these people very often, but it still makes me sad a little that they can't just be happy that we are happy. They don't see that moving was a HUGE decision for us, the sleepless nights, the worry, the constant questioning whether we are doing the right thing for us a family.
Adjusting to a new way of life, new language, making new friends, new schools, new food...
Years, yes years of uncertainty that is really working for us. Missing our old life. Dh and I at different places at different times. "Well you can stay if you want, I'm going home" types of conversations.
We are finally in a place where everything has finally fallen into place. I am grateful and relieved and finally have a sense of contentment about our life here. Smug ? No...
All they see is the stuff we have and they don't. It feels as though they are pissed at us for being happy.

I just assumed that they thought well of us, so I am really sad in a way that they are jealous. It's not as though our life fell out of the sky wrapped in a lovely shiny bow for goodness sake.

OP posts:

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 01/03/2015 15:06

Boasting may make you sound smug, especially if you have not been sensitive enough to realise that others may not be as well off as you.

Sethspeaks · 01/03/2015 15:16

You aren't necessarily boasting though if you are just talking about your life and being happy with it. You shouldn't always have to play down your own happiness just because someone else is finding things hard.

Some people are very quick to make judgements about others and have a filter on how they see the other person's life. It's their filter and not the reality because they haven't lived it. I've had it from people who are jealous of how I've changed my life and where I've got to. They're jealous because they haven't been able to do the same and think things just fell into my lap - and there is absolutely no way that's the case but they just judge and don't actually find out any facts.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 01/03/2015 15:21

Relatives. In your home. Speaking about you, their host and family member, in such a derogatory and plain nasty manner.

Quite honestly I wouldn't be giving a moment thought as to whether they were correct or not, I would be angry and hurt at their comments. People who could be so rude and callous in your home are not worth bothering about

FiveLittlePeas · 01/03/2015 15:38

I can totally relate with OP. I left my country almost two decades ago, and eery time I go back, people ask me and THEY compare negatively THEIR lives to mine in the country I chose to live (Spain). Things have not been easy and we are not well off, but we get by without the levels of stress people in my country have to endure due to violence, poor economy and general chaos. I am not smug, but I am happy and I do not complain much about my live in general. But I've also herad people saying behind my back that I thought I was better than them beacuse I emigrated and they didn't.
In other words, I dared, and they didn't. Tough.

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