to not know how to cope with dd's stroppiness?

[emkana]

She's 11 and can turn in 30 seconds from lovely to completely awful. I hate this so much, she's changed so much. I already have a ds with sn who is very challenging, I just want to run away

ahhhhh you cope with wine, gin, humour and mates

it will pass

ignore the shitty stuff - don't react, smile and let her stomp - don't argue with an 11 year old! but make sure you have very firm boundaries and consequences for the disrespect and any damage she causes with her moods

my girls are 12 and 10 (and 6 but not hormonal yet) - I feel your pain xxxxx

I am holding your hand, (and possibly weeping a little bit onto your shoulder). My dd has only just turned 10 but is getting breast buds and has become this creature who swings from utterly lovely normal self to a rude, stroppy, aggressive and just generally horribly behaved little madam. Today was particularly challenging.... I may start keeping a rough diary to see if there is a monthly pattern, as I wonder if this is all gearing up to periods starting? Heaven help us all if she gets worse, as this afternoon's paddy in the car (over sweets!) reduced me to a counting-to-ten silence, her smaller sister to heaving sobs and DH to shouting. We had to pull over as it wasn't safe to drive. He is still cross with her now and she went to bed ages ago. She told me I was a "Stupid bloody idiot". She has apologised properly, and sanctions have been applied, but it is so exhausting.

Ooh can I join!? My DD turns 11 this summer and she is TERRIFYING!

She's all lovely one minute and then next she's telling me she hates everything and everyone...and we're all crap.

I swing between taking the mick out of her a bit...sometimes I can make her laugh...to losing my temper and shouting back...and distracting her with something else.

It's a roller coaster for sure!

OMG.

This was me at 11!

It will pass. When she's about 16. Soz.

Thing is I have dd1 and she's never beeb like it...

Not just daughters either, my 11 year old boy is awful too

This is why my entire lunch break is filled with dealing with incidents between year 6 students. It's the boys too! You think this is bad, wait until year 9....

I am dreading the onset of this in my own two. I can keep calm with students but my own two know how to push my buttons.

Bracing myself for the day...

Can you try and treat her (on the surface anyway) like you do your SN child when she goes off on one? It's not malice, secondary school is such a stressful minefield of shame and fear and not being able to be yourself, plus all the hormones. Think panic attack not tantrum. Don't try to reason or argue back, save the 'lesson' for when she's calmer.
Easier said than done, I too have a challenging SN kid and an increasingly stroppy 11y old girl and she does suck me in. It's hard because yes they should know better and we have relied upon their good nature for so long. But they are in crisis too. My best line (when I can remember) is to raise an eyebrow and say 'That was rather over the top wasn't it?'

chin up OP, hope today goes ok!

Going well so far...

My nearly 9 yr old dd swings between calm relaxed happy girl to evil shouting whirlwind of misery...

She has made dh (her dad) cry several times what she says can be vicious and I have finally convinced him that trying to talk to her when she goes of on one is a bad idea.... I just leave her/send her to her room and 10 minutes later she's fine and very very sorry and wants cuddles like she is 5 again :-)

DD 15... started this as 11 and luckily it has become a rarer occurance. Unfortunately you may have a rough time ahead. What I always did is ask her (when she'd calmed down) if she thought what she'd said/done was acceptable. Mixed responses but she did eventually get the message.

One other thing I taught her to tell me was .. if she was in an 'angry' mood, to actually tell me she was, so I was prepared and not to bother her.

Sometimes worked, sometimes didn't ..but better than a mouthful of abuse when not expecting it.
Good luck!

Signing in as the owner of a hormonal girl

Sometimes all I can do is send her to her room and reach for the wine

I try sending her to her room. She refuses. Cue tiresome standoff. I think I'll just go straight to the wine next time...
This afternoon the sweets meltdown reared up again as DD2 was allowed sweets and DD1 isn't, after yesterday. After a slightly less dreadful paddy, she went down to the kitchen and had something to eat, and in ten minutes was back to normal lovely self. Blood sugar levels seem to be a big trigger.

All sounds very familiar.... what helps me is to cast myself back to when I was 11 and try hard to remember what it felt like (bad, most of the time) and why I was angry then (sadly remembered how once I broke a glass door in a fit of rage). And what my mum did to aggravate or calm the situation. Mostly, keeping the calm and authoritative helped. Easier said than done of course........

Blood sugar levels are a consideration on school days, not because sugar makes people hyper, but because it's often unfashionable / inconvenient to eat properly at secondary school and girls especially are often going hungry.

My dd is only year 5... She is very thin and goes to pieces if she is hungry. Although that wasn't the cause of yesterdays meltdown, we'd been out and had only finished a really good lunch an hour before. But it can aggravate or trigger a strop if she is really hungry, as she was earlier.

I barely left my room at around that age. I glowered nonstop. I got into writing very angry poetry

Following this with interest. Two daughters, 12 (nearly 13) and 10 and finding it hard to believe the change, especially DD1 who used to be the sweetest girl but now - OMG!! When the two of them clash I try to deal with it even-handedly, which neither of them appreciates... At All.

Meanwhile DH seems determined to wind them both up... So it sometimes feels like I have 3 of them to manage...

I have one of these myself. DH andi weren't teenagery ourselves so we're a little at a loss.

Fist bump! The wine consumption has definitely gone up in our house as DD (11) approaches puberty!

My little girl is 6 soon and is a delight.

How much longer have I got?

Keeping DC very busy with stuff they actually like doing may help. Ideally not computer games but sport / drama / music / whatever. And let them be: the more they are convinced it is their thing and not mummy's or daddy's, the better. DD likes drama and I deliberately do not tell her how much I was into drama as a teenager. Together with books, this has become her escape / outlet / safe haven where parents are not allowed. So long as it's a safe activity and doesn't completely take over, it's good.

Also, secondary school is a watershed that allows you to lengthen the leash considerably. Finding ways to show you trust her when you're not around means she will have less to kick off about or will at least feel rather shamefaced afterwards. But don't use them as a test and don't revoke them - if she fails it's not malice or a personality failing, it's just that she needs to do it more, not less.