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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell DS that he thinks he's better than he is?

18 replies

messyisthenewtidy · 27/02/2015 19:26

I know that we're supposed to encourage our DC and tell them they're wonderful but whenever I tell him to crack on with a certain subject he just thinks he doesn't need to because he's already "brilliant" at said subject.

Now his school want to see me about his under achievement in a particular subject which kills me because he's great at this subject (can talk about it for hours) but is just too lazy to make an effort. IMO.

So tonight, emboldened by Friday night euphoria, I told him that he needs to shape up because he isn't as good as he thinks he is. He ran off with his fingers in his ears! AIBU, unencouraging and unmotherly or was i right to tell him to pull his finger out?

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InfinitySeven · 27/02/2015 19:27

How old is he?

HeartShapedBox · 27/02/2015 19:29

How old is he?

5, then you should have been more tactful,
15 then you're fine Grin

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 27/02/2015 19:29

I bet he has his wonderful confidence in himself from your praise and affection. But part of good parenting is also trying to not turn them into smug, arrogant or under-achieving adults. Sounds like you've done the right thing to me, I hope he isn't too upset and pulls his socks up.

NerrSnerr · 27/02/2015 19:30

It all depends on his age.

FenellaFellorick · 27/02/2015 19:31

how old is he? I'm guessing very young because of the finger in ear thing

I think it's fine to be very honest with our children that no matter how good they may be at something, if they don't put their all into it, they aren't going to succeed.

ssd · 27/02/2015 19:31

he ran off with his fingers in his ears?

unless he's 3, tell me you're joking??

Original poster
messyisthenewtidy · 27/02/2015 19:32
  1. Just choosing options which is what prompted the conversation. Old enough i think to take his future seriously. Yes he has dyslexia but he also has an army of TAs organising him, jollying him on, giving him 100% support whilst he sits there thinking talent is enough to see him through in the world...
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ApocalypseThen · 27/02/2015 19:33

I think it's quite good to have a realistic, proportionate view of our skills and abilities. If the school have asked you to step in, he's clearly not appreciating his performance in an accurate way and that probably does need to be tackled.

ssd · 27/02/2015 19:34

13...3...sometimes theres not much difference in maturity

but I dont think he's old enough to take his future seriously, yes in theory he should be, but in reality no he's still a daft kid

keep plugging away op, theres nothing else for it

ahbollocks · 27/02/2015 19:35

Sounds like school aged me Grin do you think he is using his dyslexia to coast through a bit?

Original poster
messyisthenewtidy · 27/02/2015 19:37

You see he wants to be an architect. He's brilliant at drawing. But architecture is one of the hardest things to get into and you need to be committed. When I point this out to him he tells me I'm being unencouraging. The problem is that because of his special needs he's been mollycoddled but now he needs to get serious. I don't want to discourage him but someone needs to tell him....

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Leonas · 27/02/2015 19:39

Good for you! As a teacher, kids who are talented but just don't try/ bother are the most frustrating - it is hard to convince a teenager that they need to work harder but it won't so him any harm to hear it. Being realistic about your child's ability and standard of work is a teachers dream come true and both they and he will thank you for it in the long run

babyfedleaning · 27/02/2015 19:39

My mum had this sort of conversation with me at that age and it did me a world of good. I was always the 'clever kid' but had got lazy and the thought of my teachers' disappointment about my potential and the dent to my ego really kicked me into touch. I got A's and A*s at GCSE.

Original poster
messyisthenewtidy · 27/02/2015 19:40

Ahbollocks, yes I do, but he's always been a lazy charmer!

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Original poster
messyisthenewtidy · 27/02/2015 19:43

Thank you Leonas, that's good to hear. Personally hard work and knowing how to learn is far better than raw talent.... I will keep on. I don't care that he has dyslexia or a poor memory. I do care that he doesn't try.

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fredfredgeorgejnr · 27/02/2015 19:44

You said he's great at it, but you told him he wasn't? The problem you described is one of disinterest in the school work, not a lack of ability, so yes YWBU to tell him he's crap at it when there's no evidence he is.

You would not have been unreasonable to talk to him more about his actual deficiencies, and how he needs to rectify them.

Mind you, other people often have very different ideas to you on what you should be doing around options time and A-levels and degree time, it's take a lot of confidence to say no when being pushed into a particular direction. Maybe he doesn't actually want to achieve more in the subject.

Mistigri · 27/02/2015 19:45

I don't think it helps children of this age to be told they're good at something when they're not. They see through white lies quickly enough anyway. He probably knows he isn't making the grade but he doesn't want to have to face up to the need to put in some effort.

Original poster
messyisthenewtidy · 27/02/2015 19:55

Fred. I didn't tell him he was crap! I said "you're not as good as you think you are". Which he isn't. He's below level in the subjects that he is extremely knowledgeable about, partly because he doesn't write as fast as his brain thinks but partly because he thinks he is better than everyone and is complacent.

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