How do you split chores with your partner?

[Zhabi]

Aibu to expect more 'help' from dh?

He works 40 hours a week (locally so no commuting) and I am a sahm

We have 4 children. The youngest is a baby and the others are at full time school

He does almost nothing in the house or garden because he sees that as my job. I see my job as looking after the children and when the baby sleeps, I try and get a few bits done

Am I really expecting too much of him by expecting him to cook sometimes or clean a bathroom?

He never does anything with the children. Not even reading a book after school

If you are a sahm, how much does your partner do?

When I was a sahm with babies I would hand tthem over to him the moment he walked in the door. Then i would get on with cooking the dinner, then we would either both clear up after dinner, or one of us would put the kids to bed, whilst the other cleared up.

At weekends we would share childcare, cooking, kitchen cleaning, chucking a load of washing on. We both grew up in families where everyone picks up after themselves and clears away after theyve eaten a meal.

When they were tiny we would both tify up, sweep a floor, clean thebathroom if it needed doing. When they were older then I would get all the bulk of the cleaning done during the week. Anything that needed doing at eeekends remain a joint responsibility. Hes always helped doing some homework and reading with them.

I am not a sahm, but what i think is that chores should be divided so that both parents wet equal amounts of leisure time. In my family that means that i do more housework and dp does more childcare.

It is unreasonable for your dp to expext you to do much if you are also looking after a baby! And not doing anything with the kids is just not right!

I think with a young baby the yiur husband is beung complety unreasonable. I think with older school going kids then I would expect the sahp to get a lot of the house hold tasks done duribg the work day. Equal amounts of leisure time is the answer as far as I can see.

I am not saying dh and I have a perfect balance that way, but I do think your dh will miss out by not doing things with the DC. OK it seems like work in one way but it is important for a dad to spend some time with the kids and benefits both of them.

Your dp is being unreasonable.
People often talk anout equal down time on these threads. And I can see the point of that, but its so hard to measure. Breaks are subjective and sometimes scattered through the day/ week. Some peole at home get a chunk of their day to themselves, and some ppl at work get a lunch break in the pub. Whereas at home with a baby or toddler you might have no head room whatsoever.
If someone is out at work and thinks you should be doing "everything" at home, pandering to them then they dont understnad how hard it can be with small DCs. If you cant get it done just dont do it.

Well my dh sounds exactly like yours. He wasn't always like it, but suffered with depression, severely, two years back. While he was out of work and sinking, I took on childcare, almost full time work and housework duties (and obviously was the sole earner, so paying for everything) He has since got much better, and works full time, I am still on maternity leave and just realised that I do everything still. All the housework, all the childcare and from my maternity pay, I pay everything. The only thing is I don't know how to bring it up.

Sorry, I'm not very helpful, but you aren't alone, and with a baby, I definitely don't think you are being unreasonable to what him to do more.

Following selfishly for advice

I was a sahm till very recently. Dh does very little round the house.

However he often takes DSs out at the weekend so I can do an hour or so cleaning without toddlers "helping" it also gives me some time to chill out without the kids.

If he came home (he is out from 7-7.30) and the house was a bomb site he would pitch in to help get it straight.

I am now working 3 days a week and he helps out with the cooking and tidying on those days and whenever I ask him to but I do have to ask.

In our house it is split in the same chaotic way as money/finances. We broadly try to be fair to each other and do what we can.

Sometimes things don't get done because we both work and our cleaner doesn't alway come (!). I do more child care as I normally have shorter hours, although not always. I do more cooking in the week but he likes to cook at weekends.

I'm a SAHM and DH works long hours. During the week he does the older kids' breakfast in the mornings and some school runs. On weekends he takes the kids swimming, sometimes does the food shopping, does all the cooking, general tidying up etc. He's generally in charge of the garden too.

I do all the weekday cooking, all the laundry, hoovering and larger cleaning jobs, kids homework etc. We have a small baby and I BF so that's my job 24hrs too (she's a crap sleeper!)

I am a SAHM to DC1 (5) and DTs (3). DH is out of the house 8-6 mon-fri.

DH gets up with the kids and get them started on breakfast as he is naturally awake early. I take over in time to clean up breakfast. I do all cooking, cleaning, washing, ironin, budgeting, shopping and any other house jobs. DH loads the dishwasher after dinner.

DH empties the bins, puts bins and recycling out, mows the lawn and helps 50:50 with the main veg gardening work (I do the weekday quick weeding and the actual harvesting for each meal).

DH does the kids baths, i get them into PJs and DH reads their bedtime stories.

DH will often cook once or twice over the weekend because he enjoys it.

DH will often take the kids out at the weekend if i need some down time.

if i ask him to he will do reading with DC1 (i only have to ask because he doesn't think to do it, he is more than happy to do it once i remind him).

when DTs were babies DH was much more involved with all household tasks without complaint. i did have to ask as he just doesn't notice the stuff that needs doing but he happily did it all when asked. once DTs were sleeping through i took on more and more again until back to 'normal'.

DH is very hands on with the DC when he is here - lots of rough and tumble here!

in terms of down time - DH is out one evening a week and every Saturday through the summer. I'm out one evening a week and get a few hours every sunday if i want/need them - he will either take the kids out or i will go out.

but like anything, it has to be what works for you - DH and i both like and enjoy our set up, it works really well and we both appreciate what the other does to keep the family in balance. you need to talk to your DH about how you feel and explain that while baby is little you need more support at home.