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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how to explain to DD that I've had to stop contact?

26 replies

AlmondAmy · 26/02/2015 23:55

DD is 7 and I've been advised to stop all contact with her father by childrens services because of a safeguarding issue. DD is unaware that what was happening is wrong and I don't want to tell her because it'd influence what she says to CAFCASS when we go to court. But I have no idea how to explain the lack of contact - it's usually fortnightly. Aibu to ask for ideas?

OP posts:
EstRusMum · 27/02/2015 00:10

Try to say that daddy is ill. And that the illness is very contagious. It's simple and very believable.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/02/2015 01:02

Have you asked children's services what they recommend? I'm sure they've dealt with similar before and may be able to advise you.

Suefla62 · 27/02/2015 01:08

Just say "sorry but something has come up and you're not going to be able to see Daddy for a little while"

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 27/02/2015 01:43

What sue said and if she queries it I'd tell her that 'we can talk about it with daddy next time we all see him' or something like that.

TidyDancer · 27/02/2015 07:07

I second asking social services for advice. They have likely been asked similar before.

Alternatively, is there a watered down version of the truth you could give her?

DixieNormas · 27/02/2015 07:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Starlightbright1 · 27/02/2015 07:15

I for one am against lying... You can say a few things need to be worked out before you see Daddy..

This is from someone who did stop contact for a similar reason although he was 3 ( now 7) If you tell a lie you have to backtrack at some point and a 7 year old will remember what you have said.

meglet · 27/02/2015 07:17

I wouldn't lie either.

littlejessie · 27/02/2015 07:19

How long each fortnight has she been seeing him?

My DD (7) used to see her dad fortnightly for an hour or so until he dropped her completely almost a year ago now. He has drug issues and stopped seeing her when he got a new girlfriend and a job...I wasn't sure how to explain his absence to her in a way that wasn't hurtful to her and decided to wait until she asked.

She didn't ask for almost four months and by that time I was able to give her a very basic version of the truth that didn't hit her too hard.

Could you just keep her busy in the meantime, or would she notice straight away?

littlejessie · 27/02/2015 07:20

I agree that lying is not an option. She needs to know she can trust you.

Barbadosgirl · 27/02/2015 07:22

So sorry you are going through this, how stressful for you. Not exactly on point but I am an adopter and we are advised to tell our children the truth from day one but in a way they can understand. So, for example, if asked why he is not with birth mum something like "she made some unsafe choices for you when she took bad medicine which made her sleepy and there were sometimes unsafe people in the house". Rather than "when she was high on smack you were found playing with knives and her dealer and pimp kicked you across the floor when she couldn't pay up". I would just echo what some posters have said about seeking advice from the professionals and not completely lying because, although well intentioned, she may look back on that as a bit of a betrayal given the other disruptions in her life. Take care of yourself and make sure you are supported too.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/02/2015 07:45

Exactly Barbados girl, can't you tell dd something similar. You were not safe with daddy so you can't see him at the moment.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/02/2015 07:46

Ask ss to visit or advise what you tell dd.

turquoiseamethyst · 27/02/2015 07:49

Good advice from posters above. I definitely wouldn't lie, but understand you're in a really difficult position regarding honesty. Flowers

hestialou · 27/02/2015 07:54

Can you distract her on the days she should be seeing him, say we cant see daddy today so lets go swimming?

Babynamechange · 27/02/2015 09:12

I definitely wouldn't lie as she absolutely needs to know there are adults she can trust completely. I thought barbadosgirl put her situation very well, so maybe something like that?
But I'd also take SS's advice too and by doing that you can't really go wrong as far as cafcass are concerned either.

Tattersail · 27/02/2015 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Endler32 · 27/02/2015 09:57

I would tell her the truth in the best way possible Sad, can she speak to daddy every week on the phone instead? I know it's not the same but it means she still has some kind of contact with him without going to see him.

SilenceInTheLibrary · 27/02/2015 09:58

Don't lie. Work out an age appropriate explanation for whatever the safeguarding issue is. It must be pretty bad for them to stop contact.

Original poster
AlmondAmy · 27/02/2015 10:04

One person at SS told me to tell her what the issue is but then I worry she'd lie to CAFCASS as she'd worry she'd be in trouble. Another person at SS told me to say he's working but then she'll Know eventually it was a lie and I want her to know she can trust me. If I simply say he wasn't making good choices, wouldnt that count as badmouthing him if she repeats it?

She won't be upset about not seeing him, but she will notice as she usually has to miss dancing fortnightly to see him and now she won't. She's not allowed to speak to him, but doesn't like to anyway.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 27/02/2015 10:21

I don't think it is, it's the truth. Just say yiu were not safe with daddy so you have stopped seeing him for the time being.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/02/2015 10:22

What age tells Cafcass is up to her. Tell her she must be honest to CAFCASs and she won't get into trouble.

JoffreyBaratheon · 27/02/2015 10:28

The CAFCAS officer who wrote the eventual report used in court, was appointed guardian ad litem. I dunno if that makes a difference, but I found him immensely approachable and helpful. I rang him for advice, in given situations and he gave good advice. Maybe there s someone at your local CAFCAS office who could advise you how to handle it? It will also be in your favour, in court, that you handled this in the best way and lying to her may not be the best way. The fact you don't want to bias what she eventually says to CAFCAS is in your favour. My kids were really too young to have a strong opinion - one was about 2, the other 4. But the older one was still asked whether he wanted to see birth dad and his opinion was taken into account. He didn't express a strong opinion either way but they noticed whenever they mentioned his 'dad', he became withdrawn and upset. He ended up getting zero direct contact and ten years on, still gets zero. In the report, the CAFCAS officer remarked that it was obvious my kids hadn't been 'coached' in their responses by me - so they do look for that.

Starlightbright1 · 27/02/2015 11:15

If she won't be bothered then be vague as you can be. I had CAFCASS phone. I asked if she could ring back when DS was at school as there was information I needed her to be aware of yet didn't want DS to hear it. To be honest it got her on side from the start.

myotherusernameisbetter · 27/02/2015 11:24

Could you say something like "the people who organise for you to see Daddy need to check on a few things so they've said it's best if you don't seem him for a little while until they've finished their work" that way it wont come as a surprise to her that people might want to speak to her about it?