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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Need advice re:MIL

24 replies

Foosfan88 · 26/02/2015 16:28

Hi, I'm new to this ??

My in laws are, for the most part, ok. However a couple of things have started to niggle at me since our boy came along last July. They stayed with us straight after the birth and being a first time mum (even with all the biology lessons in the world) i really didn't appreciate how I was going to feel after labour and in hindsight I shouldn't have let them stay. They hovered while I tried to breast feed and in the end I panicked because my mil was ready to just burst straight into the bedroom when DS started to cry (DH had to stop her). In the end because I panicked and gave my boy a bottle, I didn't know at the time that he had reflux which is why I was having problems, he would latch but wouldn't stay latched and after feeding him all the time in hospital I was in so much pain, and being watched/listened to didn't help.

DS is now 7 months old and they stayed the weekend just gone for my DH 30th. All seemed fine except DS and had a nasty cold and tummy bug. Just as we were all going to bed he woke up with a pain and cried (giving it some wellie) DH went down to get him some calpol and a bottle so we could try and settle him and the minute he left the room MIL came straight in without knocking and I had to firmly tell her to leave while I tried to console my boy. I'm currently undergoing tests for hyperthyroidism due to night sweats so I've been sleeping in no more than a light t shirt and I just thought it was totally inappropriate, I know she's coming from a good place but if I need help I will ask for it so how do I reset the boundaries without annoying everyone?.

DH has been very understanding and does side with me but neither of us want to cause any arguments

Any advice would be helpful

OP posts:

Dr0pThePirate · 26/02/2015 16:37

Bloody hell! YANBU. Most adults don't need to be taught not to burst into another adults bedroom especially at night. I'm guessing your MIL know this too but has decided it no longer matters as she's "just concerned about her grandson" or something like that.

Have they gone home now? I would wait until their next visit and just simply state that you DO NOT need them to come into your room at night and that it's NOT helpful to watch everything you do like like a hawk. They'll soon take the hint and back off (hopefully!) but you do need to be clear and the earlier the better. Just don't worry about being seen as the bad guy, you know that your MIL is in the wrong.

Discopanda · 26/02/2015 16:40

Just be firm and diplomatic, explain that you appreciate any help or advice but you and DH are learning how to be parents by experience.

Ohfourfoxache · 26/02/2015 16:41

Could they stay in a b&b instead of with you?

What is she like otherwise in terms of boundaries? This is hugely inappropriate behavipur. I wonder if there are other things that she does that are inappropriate.

Yanbu at all btw

Original poster

Foosfan88 · 26/02/2015 16:54

Thanks.

I don't think she's unreasonable in other ways...I had no problems before my boy came along but I think I've started seeing things as a parent now and what was acceptable no longer is maybe.

I think dropthepirate has a point as she just goes straight to see her grandson regardless of everything else and she has said things like "our boy". Maybe she just needs to let go that she's not in control anymore..I don't know.

But thanks, nice to know I wasn't being overly sensitive and will try and have a chat with her...I think you're right in saying we're now the ones that need to learn how to be parents

OP posts:

WONAR · 26/02/2015 18:45

Oh dear... sounds like she's maybe re-living her relationship with her son (your DH)! I don't think you're being over-sensitive at all. However, I would suggest your DH supporting and backing up all your points if you do decide to discuss this with her, as she might think you're being all PFB-mummy when in fact you are being very reasonable.

Mumoftwinsandanother · 26/02/2015 22:28

I think some grandparents (really grandmothers) can get a bit intense with the first grandchild. Apparently it can even be hormonal. My MIL had absolutely no boundaries with my DTs (constantly taking them out of my arms, running away with one of the babies whilst I was following slowly due to vs, took them for a "quick" walk for hours when they were breastfed, bought formula for them and would have given it without asking had I not seen it, tried to give them first solid food at 3 months, liked to pretend they were hers and other lovely gems). It was like she couldn't help herself. She was not like that in every day life about anything else at all (indeed she would have been horrified if anyone suggested she was). She now has 5 DGC and she has not been like that with the others AFAIK. (She wasn't really allowed too near my DS when he was a baby). She stopped being so pushy with my DTs when they were about 2 I think but I did have to do some boundary setting which I wasn't ready to do initially as I was a bit dazed/couldn't really believe what was happening. I think I can understand the grandma mania that can occur for some people in a way. I have 3 DC but would love more and get a bit dreamy eyed about babies (and it's only been 2 years). I can't imagine now having to wait another 25 years until one of my lovely girls has a baby. I think I'll be absolutely desperate to get a fix of it. My mum always says the love she has for her GC is very intense (no less intense than what you feel for your own).

Lovemycatsandkids · 27/02/2015 00:12

Stop asking them to stay. She sounds Barmy.

Don't accept this hormonal grand child thing at all.

mum your mil sounds dreadful. My youngest is 15 now and have older ones settled with gfs and if they have kids that's great but sure it won't make me act like a crazy idiot.

countessmarkyabitch · 27/02/2015 00:34

Barmy is unfair. and a bit offensive

Look, she's going over the top and needs to learn boundaries. But you say she's fine in all other areas, so keep perspective. Its more than likely that issue here is that she truly loves your son, which is great. She's over excited, she wants to be involved. You need to talk to her, have an adult discussion and explain your problem. There is no reason to think you can't work this out simply enough with calmness and fairness to everyone.

And remember that if the biggest problem is that people love your son too much, things can't be too bad.

Coyoacan · 27/02/2015 03:14

Barmy is unfair. and a bit offensive
She is in the wrong, of course, but it is very hard to hear your grandchild cry and I speak from experience. Fortunately I am the mother of the mother so my dd can feel quite comfortable telling me off if I overstep.

StrawberryMojito · 27/02/2015 04:21

My DM has also commented on how surprised she was at the intensity of love she had for her grandchildren. I think you need to give your mil a break to be honest. You've said yourself she means well and is nice in all other ways and I presume you don't see them that often.

Next time they stay get your DH to comment as you are going to bed "ignore it if you hear DS crying, we'll sort it" in a firm but friendly way. No need to make a big deal of it and potentially causing a rift.

I do think you are being over sensitive.

Plarail123 · 27/02/2015 05:55

My MIL behaved in a very similar way to this. Coming upstairs into our bedroom uninvited, sitting right next to me while I fed my newborn, telling me his latch was wrong, it wasn't, the list goes on. Accusing me of having PND as I was not up and about enough after 6 weeks. I had a forceps delivery with huge internal injuries and had dual incontinence for 6 months post partum. I have never forgiven her and never will. The difference is that my DH could not stand up to her and was not happy with me challenging her. Our relationship has never recovered. Try and sort it out now by being really honest about he she is making you feel and don't let them stay in your home.

Plarail123 · 27/02/2015 05:56

how

KatyN · 27/02/2015 07:17

My mil has come into our bedroom and found me starkers feeding my baby... In fact my gmil has done that too. They both came in to see if I needed anything as they had obviously been woken up by my son crying for a feed. I thought they were being kind. We were all a bit embarrassed by my state of undress.

She might just want to help... Maybe next time ask for a cuppa and she'll feel useful. Hope the thyroid gets sorted (my husb has hyper..)

Dr0pThePirate · 27/02/2015 10:18

Strawberry

How can the OP give the MIL a break? She's not done/said anything to upset her MIL. The MIL on the other hand has

Asking a new mother to be mindful of the thoughts and feeling of others would only be appropriate if she was being unreasonable toward them. The OP said she's done nothing yet to let her MIL know she is upset.

countessmarkyabitch · 27/02/2015 10:22

New mothers can be as mindful to the thoughts and feelings of others as anyone else.
There is no real issue here. A simple chat is all thats needed, nobody is being nasty or mean. Just because it has MIL in the title doesn't mean we have to jump in and ramp it all up.

FragileBrittleStar · 27/02/2015 10:30

I understand that she needs to knock - but i do think you are overreacting. It sounds like she has attempted to come in your room twice - both cases she may have thought she was being helpful and some people may have thought it rude if she had ignored you. she should just have knocked and said can i help?
Breastfeeding is stressful - and i think is harder at home than at hospital - i remember feeding DS in bed when my in-laws were visiting and feeling pressured to be quick - they hadn't done or said anything.

Dr0pThePirate · 27/02/2015 10:31

countess

Yes, you're right with the MIL thing here on MN. It's like that dress picture thats doing the rounds at the moment, we all see things differently.

However the OP hasn't said she has behaved in a way unfair to her MIL.

It helps to understand the MIL feeling of love and protectiveness but she still needs to be reminded that, just as before, she can't walk straight into her DIL's bedroom at night. It doesn't really matter how much she wants to, it upset the OP so she needs to tell her. Thats all.

countessmarkyabitch · 27/02/2015 10:35

I agree. But I think that pp meant "give her a break" as in think kindly of her and move gently. Thats all.

Charlotte3333 · 27/02/2015 10:41

MIL stays over here fairly often if she's babysitting or after nights out. There's been a couple of times when DS2 was tiny she'd get up in the night if she heard him cry simply because she's a very light sleeper, so I'd send her down to make us all a cuppa while I fed him and she'd wind him afterwards and put him back down.

I know it sounds wishy-washy but I honestly think MIL's are often trying too hard to help and just end up getting under your feet. If you give them a job around the house they don't do it so much. Mine can be a little interfering but it's because she wants to feel useful/needed.

Be upfront and ask if she could knock because you'd quite like some privacy andthe chance to get dressed before she enters. But it's your home, too, so don't feel guilty. Just be very honest that DS is fine, that you're coping, and you'd love her to fold some laundry/wash the pots if she wants to help out.

FelineLou · 27/02/2015 11:57

Remember too she was a mother. Her respond to crying baby reflex is still there. She just needs to recognise that it is not her primary responsibility to fix the crying baby now.
"Please knock if I have my bedroom door closed" should do it. And fend her off from the BF episodes by " baby and i need me to drink - cup of tea type response".

Mumoftwinsandanother · 27/02/2015 23:23

It's exactly that respond to crying baby reflex that I believe some first time grandmothers suffer from. Once they are on to it the second time most of the nice ones sort it out and start to appreciate that this is not their (primary) responsibility any more. I envy my BIL and his gf how easy my MIL has been second time round. The danger with all this OP, whilst she is sorting out the feelings induced by a first grandchild, you may end up getting annoyed with her in a way that is difficult to mend. This is why probably worth setting gentle but firm boundaries right at the start.

BackforGood · 27/02/2015 23:30

What Countess and others have said.
There are always so many extreme and OTT reactions to questions on here.
Have a chat - or get dh to have a chat about you not wanting to come into your bedroom. End of.

WorkingBling · 27/02/2015 23:35

I'm inclined to agree with other posters that she just needs to settle down and remember boundaries. A simple comment from Dh, "mum, If ds is crying don't worry about coming in - half the time we're all half dressed and feeling stressed so probably easier to be alone." Seems simple to me.

Pilgit · 27/02/2015 23:39

Sounds like she is trying to help and support but making a hash of it. open and honest calmost communication may be the best way forward. Just talking from experience '- I find it hard to hear any baby cry and have to fight the urge to pick up and cuddle a crying baby - I don't because that would make me a total mad woman! I am going to have to sit on my hands if I am ever fortunate enough to be a grandmother. It is never out of criticism for the parents, by the way - it's just my urge to make everyone happy. ...

good luck

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