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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be married?

33 replies

BoundForFreedom · 26/02/2015 15:43

I've been with my dp for seven years and engaged for four. Whenever I bring up marriage he gets aggressive and defensive. I'm starting to think he will never marry me, and that maybe I'm just a stop gap until something better comes along. All around me my friends are getting married and starting families and I'm just stuck here in the same place I've been for the last few years. He's never going to marry me is he?

Ps please be gentle, my self esteem is on the floor.

OP posts:
hamptoncourt · 26/02/2015 15:48

Well if he gets "aggressive and defensive" when you try to talk to him about something that is important to you, YABU to want to marry him at all.

Your poor self esteem is probably what is keeping you there, what's the rest of your relationship like?

Lottapianos · 26/02/2015 15:50

It doesn't sound great Bound, I'm sorry. 4 years is a very long time to be engaged. How did you decide to become engaged in the first place - did you suggest it or did he, did you decide together, did he seem happy about it at the time?

How does he get 'agressive' by the way? Are there other situations where he becomes 'agressive' too?

Original poster
BoundForFreedom · 26/02/2015 17:34

He isn't physically aggressive but verbally. In general the relationship is good but his reluctance to commit without any real explanation over shadows things. I'm worried I'll still be in the same position five years down the line and more unhappy. He proposed but he knew it was something I wanted.

OP posts:
Summerisle1 · 26/02/2015 17:43

He proposed but he knew it was something I wanted.

Ah...this is where the problem lies, I suspect. I certainly don't want you to feel worse about the whole situation but I reckon he may well have got engaged as a delaying tactic and to get you off the topic of marriage. Or at least delay any discussions about marriage because he'd "proved" his intentions by proposing. His reluctance to commit may well be because he doesn't actually want to get married now and quite possibly didn't want to get married when he proposed 4 years ago either.

RatMort · 26/02/2015 17:44

I'm sorry, Bound, but I wold be reconsidering my future with a verbally aggressive man, whatever his opinions on marriage were.

RatMort · 26/02/2015 17:47

And getting married is pretty uncomplicated, if the people involved want to. We were married within six weeks of deciding to do it. These protracted 'engagements' that come up so often on Mn on threads like this do smack of delaying tactics...

Sallyingforth · 26/02/2015 18:00

I don't get this.
He proposed but he knew it was something I wanted.

A proposal can only be a proposal of marriage.

If a proposal is made and accepted, you are then engaged to be married.
Being engaged is not a substitute for marriage. Living together is the substitute, and you are already doing that.

If you doesn't agree to keep the promise of marriage that he made when he proposed, then you have the choice of either continuing to live together unmarried, or leaving him.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but there is no way of forcing someone to marry you if they don't want to.

Sallyingforth · 26/02/2015 18:01

Sorry, should be "If HE doesn't agree..."

Nolim · 26/02/2015 18:05

If he is not willing to discuss marriage after a 4 year engagement i dont think he will ever be.

StrangeGlue · 26/02/2015 18:09

Don't marry someone who verbally abuses you OP you are worth so much more than that and it won't get better once you're married it'll get worse as you'll be shackled to him.

SirVixofVixHall · 26/02/2015 18:19

He doesn't want to get married. He may change his mind, or he may not. But i think after a four year engagement he should be sitting down with you and having an adukt converstion as to why.
Oh and no, YANBU.

TwoOddSocks · 26/02/2015 19:02

YANBU. I know ultimatums always sound like they're manipulative but I think you need to decide in your own mind how long you're prepared to wait for this guy to be ready. You then need to communicate your time scale to him and stick to it. If he's still not ready to get married after x amount of years/months then you'll have the time to find someone else who wants the same things as you.

Original poster
BoundForFreedom · 26/02/2015 19:22

I know you are all right. I suppose the verbal abuse is something I've come to accept as normal, even though deep down I know it's completely unacceptable. I turn 30 soon and it is causing me to re-evaluate my life. It's very difficult to contemplate leaving someone when you've invested so much though.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 26/02/2015 19:30

Please don't marry him, it will not be a happy relationship and, should you have children, it will be miserable for them too.

You haven't 'invested' in this relationship as there is nothing to reap that will benefit you, so cutting ties, whilst it will initially be painful and difficult, will free you up to meet someone that will love and respect you and will have no doubts that they want to be with you.

SukieTuesday · 26/02/2015 19:39

'It's very difficult to contemplate leaving someone when you've invested so much though.'

I can understand thinking 'I've spent 7 year on this relationship, I don't want to waste that,' but you've heard of the expression don't throw good money after bad? You aren't happy. Will spending another x number of years on this relationship actually be a positive thing for you?

Jessica147 · 26/02/2015 19:44

I'm sorry to be blunt, but he doesn't want to marry you. If he wanted to marry you then he would do it. You deserve someone who treats you with respect and kindness.

CalleighDoodle · 26/02/2015 20:05

30 is a great age. Leave him as this relationship has run its course. Y

fuddleduck · 26/02/2015 20:32

At 30 you are easily young enough to meet someone who deserves you and wants the same things from life, get married and have a family. Alternatively, you can stay with your current partner and hope that he will come around to the idea of marriage and kids eventually.

By verbally abusing you for having the audacity to bring up the subject of marriage when you've been engaged for four years Hmm he is clearly showing you which option to pursue in my opinion.

TendonQueen · 26/02/2015 20:55

30 gives you plenty of time to make a new life if you do it now. The thing is not to leave it another 5-10 years. Especially if you want kids.

Purplepoodle · 26/02/2015 21:15

U have to decide whether u stay with him or tell him unless u marry/set a date it's over - no pint spending your life wanting something he won't give u

MsVestibule · 26/02/2015 21:38

There's nothing to have stopped him in the last 4 years. He doesn't appear to have any ideological opposition to marriage, he just doesn't want to marry you. TBH, I think he's inadvertently doing you a favour. Marrying a man who is verbally aggressive will not make for a happy life in the long run.

I agree with the pp who said hanging on is like throwing good money after bad. Four years out of your life isn't a huge amount, and it's not like it's been wasted - I imagine you've had a lot of good times? I spent four years with a man when I was in my twenties; it's one of my biggest regrets that I didn't finish it sooner. Heaven knows how I'd feel if I'd let it drag on even longer.

StrangeGlue · 27/02/2015 08:56

Op rather than thinking 'I've wasted 7 years' think of how many years you're saving. You'll live to be 80 odd or 90 odd in that context 7 years is very little. It's a sunk cost fallacy to keep something crap just because you've invested it in. That investment is gone, and you don't get it back by staying.

Only1scoop · 27/02/2015 09:00

Sounds like he doesn't want to marry....

Sounds like he felt pushed into an engagement which doesn't actually exist as date hasn't been set in four years Confused

You need to both speak up about your feelings related to this or it will fester and resentment will grow.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 27/02/2015 09:07

Pleease dont invest a day more.

Cut your losses.

LondonKitty · 27/02/2015 09:13

He has no right to be abusive towards you for this or any other reason. If he is avoiding a sensible grown up chat now, he will do it again in two years when you want a baby, in three years when you are having problems at work, or in five years when you are having unexpected financial problems. But by then it will be normal and you will be staying with him for the sake of the kids (and will of course be having those financial problems so will feel stuck...only half joking...).

He's not going to change.

You are so young! Leave him and get excited about the rest of your life!

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