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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that men also suffer emotional abuse

30 replies

zeezeek · 26/02/2015 13:35

I'm just venting really.

I have a male colleague from another organisation who I work with very closely on a couple of projects. Over the years myself, and others, have noticed that his wife doesn't seem to treat him with much respect. She will shout at him and put him down in public, screams at him when talking to him on the phone so everyone can hear and just generally treats him like shit. They have 4 DDs but all have left home now.

I don't know his wife very well, we've only met a couple of times (in the 10 years or so I've worked with this chap). She's not someone I would ever have much in common with - different outlooks etc, but she was perfectly polite to me.

Whenever he talks to her (she frequently interrupts him by phoning him in the middle of meetings then ignores him when he says he can't talk) he seems very resigned and subdued and that is different to how he is normally. It is also embarrassing for everyone in the room because he never leaves the room or covers up what she's saying - so we all hear it and it kind of becomes the elephant in the room because we are all then aware of him being berated in this way. Whilst we all work closely with him, none of us are really close enough to him to say anything and, frankly, wouldn't know what to say. I know that if my DH phones when I'm in a meeting I don't take the call and he leaves a voicemail or texts if it is urgent. I do the same with him. We've also never argued in public. So I do find it very strange that this woman seems to have so little respect for her DH that she would embarrass him in public (she must know he's taking the call in public?) and he cares so little that he doesn't care who listens. Or maybe it is his way of telling people about his marriage problems? I don't know.

But I can't help thinking that if it was the other way around and it was a man who was doing this to a woman, then we would do something, or at least talk to her? I like to think I would.

OP posts:

Ohfourfoxache · 26/02/2015 13:37

Poor bloke

Koalafications · 26/02/2015 13:40

YANBU, that's horrible

drbonnieblossman · 26/02/2015 13:42

It's very sad. All abuse is distressing but sadly the tendency seems to focus on the abuse of females more than males.

demonchilde · 26/02/2015 13:46

Of course men can be and are victims of EA as well as women.

You say you wonder if it was a man doing it to a woman you may 'do something'. Do what?

demonchilde · 26/02/2015 13:53

Help is available for male victims. If there is a 'tendency to focus on female victims', is that not just a reflection that the proportion of female victims is higher?

Lweji · 26/02/2015 13:55

It depends on whether you are close enough to him, and are sure it wouldn't be misinterpreted.

Most people wouldn't say a thing if it was a woman in his position either, I don't think.

Lweji · 26/02/2015 13:56

Maybe say something like, if my OH did that to me I'd think it was abusive.

Original poster

zeezeek · 26/02/2015 13:59

demonchilde - I don't know to be honest. I'd like to think that I would talk to her and offer her support - but it's not a situation I've been in, so really knows what I would actually do and, like this situation, it would depend on how well I knew her. I know this man well as a colleague, but we are not friends. Still, he's so sweet and easy going and hard working that it is awful to hear someone who is supposed to love him treating him this way.

What really annoyed me this morning was when I overheard another woman (who works in his organisation but not directly with him) telling another woman that X likes a "bossy woman" and giggling over how his wife, secretary and other females all tell him what to do. Again, if this was a woman being bossed around by a man - we would be appalled.

OP posts:

Lovemycatsandkids · 26/02/2015 14:01

Mmm not sure work colleagues would point this out to a woman either. You are primarily together through work so not necessarily close friends but do see your point.

There's nasty bastards about both men and women.

Couid you sort of point it out in a jokey way, like 'blimey she doesn't take no for an answer does she' or similar but again it might be too intrusive and embarrassing for him.

Poor bloke.

Original poster

zeezeek · 26/02/2015 14:01

Lweji - I think that's the thing, really. I know this makes me sound despicable and selfish, but I would worry that anything I say would be misinterpreted in some way and that would damage a very good working relationship.

OP posts:

Original poster

zeezeek · 26/02/2015 14:01

OP posts:

Hexiegone · 26/02/2015 14:01

he cares so little that he doesn't care who listens.

Maybe it's a cry for help?

Lovemycatsandkids · 26/02/2015 14:03

Oh just seen your last post. He's being bullied really isn't he poor man.

Bumbiscuits · 26/02/2015 14:05

I've worked next to blokes (3 I can think of straight away) who have been phoned several times every day by their wife to receive shouty bollockings. Just thought of a fourth, I'm sure there are more.

It's odd and embarrassing. I've never thought of it as being abuse before. I've always assumed it has been due to a lack of trust for whatever reason.

demonchilde · 26/02/2015 14:05

Also- if he's spoken to like that all the time, the poor Man is probably so used to it he's unaware of how awf itQq

CMOTDibbler · 26/02/2015 14:08

A friend of DHs was emotionally abused by his wife for 13 years . The full picture of what she did wasn't obvious until she decided to leave him for OM as he was so embarassed about it and it had also just become his normal.

Alas, although we all knew that she was awful, he wasn't ready to accept this while in the relationship, and all we could do was to still be there, even though she tried very hard to cut him off from everyone.

wannaBe · 26/02/2015 14:19

I don't think that emotional abuse is more prevalent towards women than men actually. Bear in mind that emotional abuse has only actually recently been recognised as abuse anyway. It's easy to see why physical abuse might be more prevalent due to the fact that men are in general physically stronger than women, but anyone is equally capable of emotionally abusing another person.

I regularly see threads on here from women who are very clearly controlling even on the surface, so quite possibly abusive behind closed doors, but often their behavior is excused on the basis they are women (although not always obviously, but it's not uncommon for someone to question what the man did to provoke a certain reaction...)

I think that people would avoid talking about it even if it was a woman being abused though. years ago I worked in an office full of other women, and one of my colleagues said that her dh wouldn't even allow her to switch off the lights on her own as he said that she should let him do it all. She said she felt he was sweet and protective, I said that he was controlling. I was pulled up for saying that to her during my appraisal. Fast forward ten years and I met her out and about, turned out he'd left her for another woman a few years later and had been a controlling arsehole throughout their marriage.

Perhaps rather than talking to him you can talk about your own situation, about how normal relationships should be....

Original poster

zeezeek · 26/02/2015 14:22

Sadly I don't think he'll ever leave her. They are both mid-50's now and he's very close to his DDs and involved a lot in their community and church. Professionally he is very successful and has an international reputation in our (albeit rather small and specialised!) field. I know him well enough to know that his reputation is very important to him and so for this to be made public etc would be something he would be ashamed of, I should think. Can't ever imagine her leaving him - he earns a lot more than her and she is very high-maintenance - I know that makes me sound like a bitch, but I think she just sees him as her meal ticket.

OP posts:

Hissy · 26/02/2015 14:24

I'm stunned that anyone could not comprehend this as anything other than abuse.

Of course it is and of course men suffer.

2 women a week are killed by their partners
2 men a month are killed by theirs.

1 in 4 (although some say closer to 1 in 3) women report abuse in their lifetimes.

1 in 8 men report abuse in theirs.

The system is NOT set up to encourage men to report abuse, and while all abuse is despicable and unacceptable, even as a former victim of DV myself, in many ways I consider men to be a whole lot less supported by police/courts/society as women are.

yes there are more women that report it, but I'd suggest that the key word there is report.

If you have any kind of opportunity, just ask him if he's OK, and if he would like to talk about anything. It might be worth asking him if he knows that other couples don't live like that, and that he doesn't have to. let him know that there are organisations that he can turn to, that will understand him and may be able to advise and help him.

www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence

it may be that they have children and she is abusing them too, and he is scared that he will be forced to leave them with her, and this is the only way he thinks he can protect them. it may just be that he is too worn down and scared to believe he deserves anything else.

let's be honest here, the justice system fails WOMEN who are battered by their P's, and the children are compelled to spending time with the man who tried to kill their mothers. For a male victim it's even harder to be heard.

Hissy · 26/02/2015 14:25

x-post - he's got himself a sociopath there then... the only hope is that when the kids leave home, he goes too, or she dies.

Original poster

zeezeek · 26/02/2015 14:44

Hissy - thanks for the information. It is very sad and interesting at the same time.

He has met my DH and seen us together in various work/social events, like conferences etc so has seen what we are like - but we argue like crazy over work, but it's all forgotten when we get to the bedroom as soon as we are out of that situation. So not sure we are particularly normal! And I can't rely on my alpha male neanderthal to show any sensitivity towards his situation as he's more likely to tell him he's pathetic for putting up with it and get the hell away from that psychopath. He's not sexist, he would say the same to a woman, and has when my eldest DSD was in a bad relationship in her teens.

All the DCs have left home and 3 of them work/live a distance from their parents, whilst the eldest lives nearby. He's a fabulous father and is always doing things with and for them, and they are very dependent on him. Interestingly none of them have had a long term relationship (all in 20's).

Wasn't until I started this thread that I realised that actually I do know quite a lot about his life - what his interests are, what he does with the girls etc, but he rarely, if ever, mentions his wife....unless it's something like "we're doing this at the weekend..." that sort of thing.

OP posts:

demonchilde · 26/02/2015 14:57

(Ignore last post - posted too soon and now my old brain has forgotten what I was trying to say now..

Hissy- who on the thread has questioned whether its abuse? I may be daft, but I can't see where anyone has queried that fact?

Also curious as to why say this woman is a sociopath?

Tangerineandturquoise · 26/02/2015 16:32

I was thinking of this as a former friend (his wife cut off his contact with his old friends) has just walked away from a relationship where she was very controlling. Tears and temper were her main weapon, and often treating him like a small child or pet was her way of being nice/controlling and was often used to control what he ate and drank. She could also be grumpy sensitive, and would always check what he was up to saying to people or hanging out with
I could give quite a long list of examples.
They were very prominent in their church community-and did lots of community related stuff, the presentation is or was of a perfect couple. It was only if you knew him before/whilst they were getting together, or when they were first married and she started to pull him away from the life friends family and job that he was happy with, or if you saw them up close and personal that the signs were there.
He has now left her and she is telling everyone he has always been depressed and it is the depression making him do this...

If a man had behaved like that we would all have alarm bells ringing- people would be taking the woman aside to have chats and offer support, but really she abused him and no one sees it like that. He is just shrugged off as hen pecked and depressed.
Their local network genuinely believe he is depressed and will go back to her eventually.

glittertree · 26/02/2015 17:45

This is so very true , sadly my son has been in an abusive relationship for 4 years ,he was locked in the house ,locked out and made to stand for hours on the door step , had all his wages taken from him , was hit and the list goes on and on ...he is young and didn't know how to handle it ...he has now left and when it was clear he wasn't coming back she phoned the police and woman's aid and said he abused her and the children ..its a horrendous situation and I know he feels ashamed of not being stronger to deal with it and now we have a police investigation to contend with ...it breaks my heart because we know she is lying but she feels she has the power to do this to him..I feel there is no support out there for what he has went through

Millyx · 26/02/2015 17:53

men can be abused too

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