How do I get through this?

[NonnatusHouseMidwifeSpeaking]

Long-time lurker, newish poster. Am posting here for support and hopefully a wide range of answers. I'm a bit all-over-the-shop with my emotions and lack of sleep, so please forgive me if this iant as coherent as it could be...

I live with my DP, who is Aspergers. We've been together just under a year, but the relationship has been rock-solid up until now - no arguments, no rows, and he's always told me that he loves me etc. No issue with expressing his love. But in the last two weeks he's just seemed...off. Won't hug me unless I hug first, less kisses, less intimacy. I've asked if he is okay, but he says he's fine. We talk, but he doesn't say anything , and remains non-committal. Is this normal? he just doesn't seem to want me around any more...

To make it worse: On Friday I had my period - so far, so normal. Until Sunday, when I found something in my pad. Doctors on Monday confirmed it - I'd miscarried at around ten weeks. Never even knew I was pregnant. I'm happy in a way because I don't want a baby just yet, I've got a lovely boy from a previous relationship (I'm the NRP) and it's not the right time for more, but I can't stop crying. I feel guilty and lonely and sad and angry, and I can't focus on anything for very long. I feel so lost.

This has driven even more of a wedge between us, and I've tried talking to him but he either doesn't care or doesn't think there's anything wrong.

Does anyone have any advice, anything at all, that might help me communicate with him? I just can't seem to get through to him...

I'm confused. You are saying you had what you thought was your period but then you passed a fetus and actually you have had a miscarriage at 10 weeks?

Did you not miss a period or anything?

I think you need to separate out how you feel and how you engage with DP

Might he have known you were pregnant and that's why he's been a bit out of kilter?

I'm on the coil, so my cycle is all over the shop anyway. I am still not able to explain how I caught but I never knew and it was a massive shock. He did not know. And was relieved when I said I was not pregnant. I just feel that I need his support to get through this, and every time I try to explain that to him or to talk about his day or to do anything it feels like it adds another brick to the wall that's building between us...

Can you find some time to spend together without outside interruptions? Don't necessarily ask him why he's been off but just talk generally about what's going on in your lives and see if anything comes up. It's frustrating but sometimes people don't respond to direct questioning but do better in a more organic conversation.
Sorry about your miscarriage. Do you think that's effected your relationship? Or have the same issues just carried on?

I think this has exacerbated issues, certainly - but not been the root cause. I know his job is being a little more stressful than usual but he used to talk to me about it, rather than just internalizing...

Sorry about your mc.

May be he just doesn't do support. You say he's suffers from Aspergers. Has that been diagnosed? Is the lack of support part of it?

I'd think long and hard about staying in a relationship with someone who lets you down at the time you need them the most.

Could you get away? Differrent circumstances but when I had a mmc we went away for a bit just the two of us with no outside influences and it really helped us to talk and come to terms without any influences.

We both work full-time in hospitality and catering, so difficult hours and no chance of a getaway. Tomorrow is a day off for us both (I've been off for a few days - I started crying in work and couldn't stop) so I'm hoping tomorrow we'll be able to go out and do something as just the two of us, and we can hopefully talk about everything. He just doesn't seem to want to engage with me at the moment and its breaking my heart.

He was diagnosed in his teens, and its caused complications in a previous relationship but not ours yet...

Hope you have a good day off together OP.

Although I know it's really tough at the moment, you will feel better OP. You will come to terms with your mc and learn to live with it in the long run. Give yourself time to grieve and be kind and patient with yourself and these feelings. x

Hi OP. If you've just had a mc, then your hormones are going to be a bit mental. You're also going to be grieving. Even if you didn't know you were pregnant, you've just lost a baby. So give yourself a break.
I think you should go to your GP and get signed off work for a week or two. After a mc at 10 weeks, that's not going to be a problem.
Once you've had some time to look after yourself, then you can start to figure out what's up with DP. He's going to find dealing with mc difficult too, Aspergers or not.
I think the advice to have some time away, just the two if you, sounds nice.

Lovely first post on here! No expression of kindness, sympathy or empathy but 'confusion'.

It is perfectly possible to be pregnant and have bleeds you think are periods.

Nonna, I just don't know. Aspergers is so difficult - as others have said your hormones are bound to be all over the place too.
x

Sorry to hear of your mc.

Is everything ok with his job - is it possible something has happened at work and he doesn't want to worry you?

Hi again guys - right, I've been given a week off sick and my DP has wrangled a week of holiday pay because he swapped with someone else.

His work has been stressing him out, granted. But we had Date Night last night, and he got up the courage to tell me what's been wrong.

He was in a six-year relationship, five of which they never bothered with protection for. He thought he was infertile. So this has come as a massive shock to him that he's actually able to have children.

We're both very emotional at the moment but we're getting back to normal (thank heavens). I wrote my worries down on paper and he read them over and we talked about everything, so thank you all for the advice :)

Glad you had a talk Nonna, that's sound healthy and hopeful.

Was he pleased now that he knows he is fertile? Has he been to a GP about it in the past? Although you have become pg, he may still have a lows sperm count or some thing else that will affect the chances of getting pg again so might be worth checking out when you are both ready.

I think he's happy about it, in the end. We'll be talking to a doctor about it soon enough :)