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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to dump this friendship?

26 replies

Marylovespeacocks · 25/02/2015 20:21

Have NC for this.

About 6 years ago, I was in a relationship with a man I really loved, but who wasn't particularly good to me. In fact, he was downright abusive (physical, emotional, sexual). I also had a best friend. You know what I mean: we clicked, spent loads of time together, etc.

Boyfriend dumped me, in horrible circumstances. I was pregnant (unintentionally) and he persuaded me to have an abortion. I'm not sorry about that, but it was a big deal at the time. Anyway, he dumped me 2 days after. I was devastated. After a while, I healed and I am now married to someone else, with 3 DCs. I love my husband and kids and I am very grateful that I didn't end up with what I think of as 'that other life' where I'd kept the baby and pursued the man.

So. My BFF was clearly in love with my ex. I could see it. Others were commenting on it. It got to the point where I needed to raise it. She said she was only not with him because of me. I did what I perceived to be the right thing and told her to get with him. I was in a new relationship, I moved away and we became less close. She didn't like all that.

BFF is now married to my XP. Has been for a while. We've been in touch and see each other occasionally. She's now expecting XP's baby. She seems to think that as we're both going to be mums, we can get back to the BFF position we were in before.

The thing is that I feel weird about it. I've moved on and I've got new mates. I adore my husband. I just don't want to be her friend anymore. She nursed me through the aftermath of that abusive relationship and I feel so strange about the fact that she's with him.

I would love not to have her in my life anymore. AIBU?

OP posts:
mommy2ash · 25/02/2015 20:24

I would love not to have her in my life anymore.

thats your answer right there, friends are people you actually want in your life

Shakey1500 · 25/02/2015 20:24

Not at all unreasonable imo. I would feel weird as well I reckon. You have moved on, new life and you're not under any obligation whatsoever. Say, no thanks, bit weird, all the best Smile

RochelleGoyle · 25/02/2015 20:30

YANBU at all. It could be really toxic for you to get any closer to her than you already are. Listen to your heart and let the friendship go.

ImperialBlether · 25/02/2015 20:33

I'd send her a message saying, "I'll always be grateful that you were my friend while Ex was physically, emotionally and sexually abusing me. I knew you were mad on him and I'm glad you're happy with him. The problem is that whenever I see you now I think back to those awful times. I really need to put that period of my life behind me and I'm really sorry but that means you as well as him. I wish you every happiness and thank you again for being my friend when I was going through such a terrible time."

That way you have thanked her, wished her well but reminded her twice that you really had a bad time with your ex.

ImperialBlether · 25/02/2015 20:34

The thing is, the friendship is doomed anyway because anything you say will be repeated to him and besides, it's not as if you want to invite him out with her, is it?

JustHavinABreak · 25/02/2015 20:37

No. YANBU. You have healed and moved on. In order to be a friend to her you would have to open up old wounds and I would think that anyone who cares for you wouldn't want that for you. In the time that has passed she has probably had time to be "brainwashed" by him and has now convinced herself that if everyone ended up as friends, then he probably wasn't the bad bastard you know him to have been. Why torment yourself all over again? I would think that neither you nor your DH nor your 3 DCs need the upset of you having to rake over all that again.

Original poster
Marylovespeacocks · 25/02/2015 20:41

ImperialBlether: I have tried that. She said that I am shitty for dumping her just because she reminds me of a time that was hard for me.

OP posts:
JoyceDivision · 25/02/2015 20:43

I'd say she's shitty for getting with your ex, not because he is your ex, but because she knows how he treated you.

Stick to your guns op, wish her well and keep away

ImperialBlether · 25/02/2015 20:46

Oh well if she's said that then I'd fuck her off. She's been after your boyfriend, got with him despite knowing he was a complete bastard and then wants you to be friends. Just ignore her from now on.

IchBinEinNerd · 25/02/2015 20:51

As imperial says..
I wouldnt be able to be friends with her cos id feel even if he treats her well he is still a man who treated u badly ive no time for people who were abusive to my friends or family.

Id hardly chat about the weather with a man who was abusive to any friend of mine.

Bluepants · 25/02/2015 20:52

What a fucking weirdo.
Both parties have to want a friendship. You don't so it isn't happening.
Tell her this.

expatinscotland · 25/02/2015 20:52

YANBU. I would message her what Imperial said to the letter and be done with it. Don't have her in your life. You do not need any justification.

reni1 · 25/02/2015 20:54

Yanbu. Friendships can cool down for much more trivial reasons. No need to justify your position either.

IchBinEinNerd · 25/02/2015 20:58

Ps i also agree with justhavinabreak. Dont let them re-write the Script. The truth is he was abusive to you but if your were friends then i could see him/them inferring that that were proof he wasnt so bad, six of one half a dozen of the other and everybody is friends again now.

Dont allow history to be re written. He was abusive to you. He was abusive to you. Repeat repeat rinse and repeat til SHE is the one doubting her relationship.
I can see her using u as a crutch in the future too if you were 'friends'.

Venting to you, and saying "you know what it's like'''.

Butternutwash · 25/02/2015 20:59

Op, stand firm, protect yourself and your family at all cost. She cannot be good for you because by being with this abusive ex she 'condones him'. I think it's very dodgy that she went after him. It's an emotionally messy situation and you need to detach yourself to keep your self respect. Ime people like your 'BFF' and your 'ex' are terribly bad news, selfish, needy and manipulative.

Once you start confiding in her again and possibly sharing sensitive information about you or your family with her, your ex will know about it. I honestly think they are both bad news for you and suspect that she wants to manipulate you for her own emotional needs.

Stay clear, don't look back.

ImperialBlether · 25/02/2015 21:17

I hadn't heard of cognitive dissonance before I came onto MN (though I'd experienced it many times.) Your friend is having to believe two things at the same time:

a) he abused you
b) she is in love with him

She is desperate to believe only one of these things. If she accepts a) then she has to dump him - there's no other sensible alternative. If she accepts b) she can't accept a), even though she saw a) with her own eyes. It must be very difficult for her.

However, it's not your problem. You need to avoid her precisely for this reason as she is desperately trying to reject a) and that means she couldn't believe you.

Original poster
Marylovespeacocks · 25/02/2015 21:21

Oh my gosh. Thank you so much for your words. It feels so great and like such a relief that I'm not such a bad person. I never text her first, but I'll know how to reply next time she is after me.

OP posts:
laughingmyarseoff · 25/02/2015 21:36

YANBU, she sounds toxic to you. I would say someone who would knowingly be good friends with, let alone get into a relationship, with the person who abused their bes friend was the shitty one.

pilates · 25/02/2015 21:49

YANBU

I would block her number.

IchBinEinNerd · 25/02/2015 21:49

yes, her own self-esteem must be in the gutter. To have aimed to 'land' a man she knew was abusive. If that's what she feels she deserves then who are you to intervene.

The next time she texts you, ignore the text. You have told her how you feel.

If she is thick skinned enough to ring you up ask her in a formal distant kind of voice "do I really have to explain to you why we're not friends any more again ?"

IchBinEinNerd · 25/02/2015 21:52

ps yes yes to what Imperial said about cognitive dissonance That occurred to me too. She is having to push water uphill to try and reconcile the two wildly opposing facts that she is simultaneously aware of.

Don't help her carry the buckets of water uphill. So to speak.

Annabel7 · 25/02/2015 22:02

Sounds to me like she needs your friendship in order to assuage guilt she feels about ending up with your ex and absolve herself from any niggling feelings of making a bad call. You don't owe her this.

It's perfectly fine that you can be grateful for her support (although sounds like she may have had her own agenda) and not want to hang out with her, given your history with her partner. Besides, what kind of person wants to be with a man who was abusive to her friend? Odd...

Original poster
Marylovespeacocks · 26/02/2015 03:26

Thank you. I'm glad that I'm not alone. Looks like I need some balls next time she gets in touch.

OP posts:
ALittleFaith · 26/02/2015 09:23

I don't think YABU at all. However I don't think she'll get the message by you stating the facts. As pp say, she doesn't want to acknowledge the abuse because of her relationship with him now. She's being ridiculous to think you can be BFF's again when she's pregnant with your abusive ex's child! My relationship with my BFF fell apart in part because she dated my ex (no abuse or anything), it was just weird!
I think you should just ignore her. Block her number. Move on. Do you have any mutual friends who might give you grief if you ignore her?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 26/02/2015 12:08

Cognitive dissonance all the way!

Silly her for not only beinf with him, but having a child with him.... Its not going to end well.
.
Avoid re traumatising yourself by continuing to avoid this woman, as no doubt she will want you to comfor her when it all goes wrong.... As it surely will!