to be a little put out by this?

[scrunchiemount]

DP and I have been together 3 yrs, live together etc. Currently TTC baby no 1. He was married v briefly in mid-twenties and is 4 yrs older than me. His older brother has been with the same woman since they were both 13 and they have now been married 4 years and expecting baby no 1 in June. PIL were super happy for BIL and SIL but DP reckons they will be less excited if we get up duffed as they will think it is very soon. Was a bit put out by that tbh. And also he reckons they might have a bit of a problem that we are not married, which I didn't even think was an issue in this day and age. Had no idea people still cared about that kind of thing. AIBU to feel a bit upset? It is a little hard not to take it personally but then again I am quite sensitive.

I think sometimes people feel that a marriage or a long relationship means more stability for the adults and, crucially, for the children. It's all very well talking about 'this day and age' but they come from that day and age and things were different.

Does it really matter that much if his parents are less excited or disapprove? Are you sure these are not his own views that he's dressing up as his parents' so you take them seriously?!

MrsTerryPratchett I suppose my views are skewed by my own parents, who never married...and most couples in my family who never married....I guess I would understand it more from my grandparents in their eighties...but not from people in their late forties/early fifties.

MagratsHair no these are def his parents views and not his. I feel like it shouldn't matter, no, and yet it does!

You are upset about theoretical reactions to a baby that isn't even conceived yet? YABU. There's no point worrying about what his parents will or won't say until you are actually pregnant and they have actually been told. Being upset now is pointless and will damage your relationship with them based on absolutely nothing.

I agree - don't get upset over something that hasn't happened and might not

thank you

Does it matter? Does their opinion make you want to change your plans? Do you think there's a chance your partner is having a bit of a wobble and using them as an excuse?

I would suggest it is better for you to be married before you conceive a child with your partner. Do you own or rent the house you share with him? Is your name on the lease/deeds? Are you planning to give up or reduce your days at work after having the baby? Have you sorted out your plans for joint finances after the baby is here?

OP, have a look through the Relationships board at what happens when a couple who haven't married split up. I'm sure your relationship is very strong but it's always better to be forewarned, particularly if you rent property, give up your job (for however long) or accept you'll be working fewer hours.

The fact is that if you live together without being married and if you give up work, then if you split up you are at a huge disadvantage.

It's always really upsetting on here when people split up and you realise the woman is going to end up absolutely fucked.

stargirl1701 yes we have planned it out thank you, yes we own and yes my name's on the deeds. i will not be giving up my job.

Of course it doesn't matter if you're married.

It does matter from a legal point of view though, there's no such thing as a 'common law wife' in the UK so if anything was to happen to your DH or you split up you wouldn't be entitled to assets. I'm sure someone else can explain it in more detail. So whilst of course you don't have to marry it might be worth you getting something legally sorted out to protect you and your future DC.

I wouldn't worry what your PIL think.

So if you're ttc and he says his parents will be less than happy as you're not married... Then why not get married? You're already living together as man and wife!

Sounds like he's getting cold feet.

MumToFourCats we may well get married, we're just not married at the moment. He's perfectly open to marriage and so am I. To be honest it was just never something I was hugely fussed about one way or the other - if we did it we'd probably just go down the registry office - the thought of a proper wedding fills me with horror.

I know about the legal side of things, that really wasn't my question.

And he's not getting cold feet thank you!!

Monkey yes, I know, we probably will get married at some point from that perspective

I grew up in a very non-traditional household and I think that means I am occasionally blindsided by people who still hold these views that one has to be married in order to have children. Only one of my friends who has children is married, the others are all non-married and happily coupled up.

But you don't even know if they hold these views yet. This is your boyfriend's musings on what his parents might think, so don't write them off as old-fashioned when you don't even know if this will be a problem.

actually I know this is the case as they have expressed disapproval before that my parents never married

One, you've mentioned not being married which probably means the thread will get derailed by conversations about that (The general consensus on MN being no marriage = lack of commitment)

DP's dad would prefer for us to be married. He holds it as important; he's quite religious.

However believing that has made absolutely no difference to what a wonderful, loving and practically supportive grandad he has been. He might have prefered us to have been married, but he certainly doesn't see DD as some sort of out-of-wedlock bastard or anything.

They might feel that way, but it doesn't mean they will act on it.