Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To feel upset that I won't have the same connection to DP and his family as his ex does?

14 replies

ApignamedJasper · 25/02/2015 13:46

Theres another thread running in connection to this one but it brought up another issue which I thought was seperate!

AIBU to feel sad that because DP and his ex have a ds together that he and his family have an almost unbreakable connection to her that I won't have with them? DP and I both have ds' from previous relationships and do not want any more children for various reasons.

DP says that his family don't particularly like her but every special occasion (birthdays, christmas etc) she is always such a big presence. I know that this will always be the case as they have a child and I'm fine with that but I suppose there is a weird part of me that wants to have the same friendly relationship with his family circle that she has but I don't feel like I do have and feel like I won't ever have because we don't have kids together.

I think this is probably connected to my own feelings of inadequacy and being desperate to be liked by people, particularly his family as they are an important part of his life.

Aibu? Or should I just get over myself and accept it won't be the same?

OP posts:

freshbakedcakes · 25/02/2015 13:54

YANBU to have these feelings it's understandable.

How long have you been together?

Original poster

ApignamedJasper · 25/02/2015 13:59

About a year fresh, they were together about 6 years so it's understandable that they would have more of a bond with her but I feel like if they did not have their ds they would not have that bond so much and that's something I won't have with them or him :(

OP posts:

Kittymum03 · 25/02/2015 14:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 25/02/2015 14:54

6 years is a very short relationship to me. I disagree that you won't have a close bond to his parents if you don't have kids together. My husband and I have kids from previous marriages but none together. now we've been together 15 years and the kids have nearly all left school and rarely see grandparents both our exes rarely see our extended families.
I'd take the long view and build on your relationship with your partner. How well you get on with his relatives will depend more on your personalities than kids. If you are desperate to be liked by people I'd maybe read self help books on building up your confidence or look at courses on building your self esteem. I presume he's not getting really upset that he won't be best friends with your family because you won't have kids together.
Friendship bonds should be built on mutual affection and interests, not kids.

Branleuse · 25/02/2015 15:15

i dont see that that has to be the case. I have a ds with my ex, who doesnt have any more bio children, but i dont have anything to do with his family apart from when ds was in hospital and we visited at the same time.
It was nice and friendly, and i was pleased to see them, but thats all, and i was with my ex a lot longer than your dp was with his

Original poster

ApignamedJasper · 25/02/2015 15:29

That's true Rebecca, I don't really have a relationship with ex's family as they never really made much of an effort with us and my family despise my ex for abandoning me & the kids so DP is automatically in their good books :D

I suppose my feelings about all this are in full force at the moment as DP's ex is pregnant and so is his sister so in my head they will bonding over both being pregnant together and having babies at similar times while I will be left out :( Silly, I know, but just makes me think their kids will grow up super close in age and so his ex will always be around as a very big part of their lives while I'm 'just DP's girlfriend'. Don't know why I feel that way as they have never given me that impression just worried about them not seeing me as very important by comparison.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 25/02/2015 15:57

Surely if his ex is pregnant she has a new partner and will be seeing less of your partner's family as she grows away from them. Her new bloke might think it odd if she's always going round to see her exes family. She'll be busy with other stuff with a new baby anyway. She may stay friends with his sister but if she does that's due to personalities and shared interests again. If you and his sister don't get on a baby is unlikely to change that. If your relationship lasts you'll probably get married anyway. I think marriage can help when you have an ex with children, provided the relationship is strong enough it does make people have to take the relationship seriously.
I'd look at finding friends locally so his family aren't as important to you..

EponasWildDaughter · 25/02/2015 16:03

Before we had our baby together DH used to feel the same as you. I had DCs with my XH, and he had no DCs at all. He felt i had this 'eternal bond' thing going on with my XH which he could not compare with somehow.

Despite the fact that XH and i were completely estranged, never even spoke to each other, and had less of a 'bond' than you can possibly imagine; those were his feelings none the less. Nothing i could say would change it sadly.

It's entirely natural that you should feel this way OP, about the 'bond' of a child between her and him, but remember that this is something that is not a tangible, or 'real' thing though, and is something you are kind of torturing yourself with

PtolemysNeedle · 25/02/2015 16:13

It's good that you are recognising that your feelings in this are more do to with how you feel about yourself than about anything to do with the way the ex or your DPs family are behaving.

It's nice that they are the sort of people that haven't excluded the mother of one of their family children just because one relationship didn't work, that makes them likely to be good, open and kind people, which is exactly what you want from a DPs family.

I have always had a good relationship with my ex's family, been invited to family events, even with my husband. My ex's GF hated it and did nothing to hide the fact that she hated it, it is one of many reasons why she and my ex eventually broke up and why ex's family never liked her.

The only person who has the potential to make this into a problem is you, so you need to make a lot of effort to not let it be an issue. Remember, your DP chose to be with you, he loves you, and that is more than enough.

Original poster

ApignamedJasper · 25/02/2015 16:14

His sister and I get on fine it's just that because they are both pregnant I just feel that fact will make them 'bond' much more than she would/does with me :(

OP posts:

Scotchmincepie · 25/02/2015 17:30

Give yourself a break - if you are in it for the long run then she's always going to be on the scene. But it's nice that they are all still amicable and get on. Just because they like her though, doesn't mean that they don't like you, it's possible to like more than one person at once!

You are a new person in their lives, they'll want to welcome you too but mabye in a slightly different way - as their son's partner rather than their grandchild's mum. It is hard, my husband's ex is still very much part of everyone's lives and they have nearly 2 decades of stories to draw on, they knew her family well and all went on holiday together - we don't and won't have that relationship.

However I get on well with husband's parents, the 4 of us go out for dinner together, pop round each other's houses etc - but its taken time (I'm not the most naturally extroverted of people).

Things do change though, as the kids get older, the relationships will naturally evolve. Be happy though that it is amicable - reading some of the stories on her - non-amicable sounds much worse.

Quitelikely · 25/02/2015 17:34

Comparison is the thief of joy.

CalicoBlue · 25/02/2015 17:36

It will change over time. I am sure that in a few years she will have moved on with her new relationship and will stop coming to family events.

Charlotte3333 · 25/02/2015 17:47

Ex and I broke up 9 years ago now and he's still a big part of our lives, comes to parents evening/school events with DH and I, comes to us on christmas day for the evening to see DS, and I call in on his parents and sister to take him to visit (they live very near to my Dad, so we tend to do them all at once).

His new partner chooses not to take part in the visits, and has a ds of her own from a previous relationship who has no contact with his Dad. I feel sorry for her in a sense because it must be hard, knowing that your DP remains on friendly terms with an Ex. But DS1 is happy, so we all sort of suck it up. It doesn't lessen the strength of your relationship with your DP or his family, having his Ex around occasionally. Hold your head high and remember that he loves you, not her. That he chooses to be with you, not her. Don't compare yourself to her or to anyone else; he loves you just as you are.

Flip