to speak to DS1's teacher about this other child

[QueenofKelsingra]

DS1 is in reception. In the first term he became very close friends with a particular child "Joe", to the point that he would virtually never mention any other kids. At our first parents evening in November the teacher mention this 'intense freindship' (her words) and that she would monitor and separate if necessary as she didn't think they were necessarily beneficial to each other's concentration. from the little I saw of this child at drop off/pick up he seemed a bit forceful and very in the other kids faces, particularly my DS.

fast forward to now and DS is starting to come home with stories of 'joe pushed me' 'joe snatched from me' 'joe says if I don't play with him he wont come to my party' etc. I encourage DS to think about if this was nice/friendly behaviour and if he felt Joe wasn't being friendly to tell his teacher.

I was at a class party last week and was able to watch DS and Joe together. in the space of the 2 hour party DS was pushed, had toys snatched from him, was punched, spat at in his face and generally Joe was in his face, physically leaning his chest up against DS to make him pay attention to him. DS came over to me and said he wanted to sit quietly with me and still Joe wouldn't leave him be, even when I asked him gently just to give DS a bit of space for a while.

Back at school and DS is now saying Joe wont leave him alone when he asks and that he doesn't want to play with Joe anymore but he keeps following him.

So WIBU to speak to the teacher today about all of this? I know I cant say 'don't let Joe play with DS' but I'm concerned that DS is being isolated from the other kids who are too scared of Joe to play with him. I know Joe has a very unstable home life which probably accounts for some of his behaviour (no SN as far as I know) but as much as I feel sorry for Joe I don't feel its fair on DS.

Thoughts?

This is not uncommon - I expect that the teacher has already observed this. Certainly you need to discuss it as your child is being bullied and assaulted! It is tricky for the teachers however - in the classroom they can keep them a safe distance apart but at play time the supervisor needs to be aware plus, in my children's primary school (I was a parent governor) we sometimes paired up younger pupils with a year 5 or 6 pupil to keep an eye on them and be a bit of a 'mentor' (like an older sibling). So discuss the options and keep your son in the loop so he knows that others are looking out for him and get him to report on progress. Usually the aggressive child finds a new target when prevented from interacting with the old one. All the best!

Blimey, yes, definitely raise it with the teacher. They should already be aware of the reception teacher's concerns. Maybe invite one of the other boys over for tea to try and encourage a more healthy friendship too.

Yes, speak to the teacher. It is not right for your child to be dominated in such a way by a classmate.

Talk to your ds about how he can think about what he wants to do and what he thinks is right, and get him to practice saying no and sticking up for himself if a toy is snatched.

I would raise it with the teacher. She may already be aware of it anyway.

I had the same problem with my DS. I spoke to his teacher about the bullying and she defended the other child and basically said that I was wrong and my son was not being bullied. I went to the head and even put his name down for another school. the head begged me to stay at the current school and she personally gave me weekly reports on what had been observed and how it had been dealt with. now the other child steers clear of DS and my son is able to get on with his school life.

thanks for your thoughts. I just didn't want to be 'that' parent (PFB!) without good reason.

the teacher was aware as she mentioned it at last parents evening so it may not come as a surprise that things have taken a turn - it may be that she has already taken steps in class but I think this would be in relation to messing about as I'm sure she would have mentioned to me if she had seen any more bullying type behaviour.

will ask about whether there is a mentor system too - it sounds like a good idea!

fatty I think part of me is worried I will come across as 'my child is an angel and that child is evil' and it be brushed aside. I was badly bullied all through my school life and I still feel the effects of that in my life now so I'm very sensitive about the subject. I know my DS is not perfect, but I have witnessed this behaviour first hand now, not just on my DS's say so. glad yoru DS is able to enjoy school life now.

YANBU. I'm sure you can find a way to put it diplomatically without laying all the blame onto Joe.

Raise it. My DS is in Year 1 and I wish I had said something back when he was in Reception. DS's teacher is now taking steps to address the situation, but it seemed to have passed over her head until I said something.

I spoke to his teacher. she was very good, listened to everything I had to say. she says there is no issue in class as she has already separated them so they are never in the same groups for any classwork. she is going to notify the lunch/break supervisors to keep an eye on Joe and DS and to encourage them to play with other friends if they are seen together.

She asked that I encourage DS to speak up if he is feeling upset and for me to keep her informed of how DS feels about it all moving forward.

She did offer for them to be banned from playing together but I said at this stage I am happy for them just to be supervised to ensure they are playing nicely and that DS is happy.

She will let me know if there are any issues going forward.

Glad I spoke to her, I feel much more reassured, especially knowing that DS is not sat with Joe in class so hopefully he is able to focus on his work!

If you state it more or less how you have stated it here it does not come across as "my child is an angel and that child is evil" at all.

You have my sympathy as I was bullied in secondary school, so I hated it when my dd started secondary school as I just freaked when she told me of problems she had with other girls and was not able to help her at all.