To ask you what to tell my 3 year old about relationship split?

[LeaveItItsNotWorthIt]

I'm a bit muddled up so please forgive me. I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years and my dd is just turned 3. We are (were) engaged. My boyfriend is caring, loving, funny and generous. My dd is well behaved and very sweet, confident but a little sensitive (so pretty typical).

This morning bf seemed a bit funny on the phone. He came over while dd was at nursery and said he was breaking up with me. He said he doesn't want to get married and doesn't want to have kids in the near future, maybe in 10 years (he is 30, I am 25). I told him I could see why he was doing this then but obviously I am gutted. Cried a fair amount and talked a bit.

I am crying again now thinking about it, I genuinely thought this man was the one for me. I've been friends with him for nearly 10 years anyway. But really I am most devastated for my dd. She doesn't see her dad (his choice) and doesn't ever remember a life before my exbf. She loves my ex so fiercely and I'm just dreading her asking me if he's coming over.

Exbf usually came over to stay the night 2-3 nights a week so she's going to miss him. Not just that but I was financially dependant on this man unfortunately and my dd is used to zoos, soft play, swimming, road trips, castles, trips to London, the occasional treat gift, dinners out once a week etc. I just feel like such a failure that I cant give her that life I just cant and it wracks me with sobs thinking about it.

He is coming over on Thursday to talk about it (while dd is at nursery) and to collect his things from here but he has made it clear he wont change his mind. When we spoke of dd his eyes filled and he had to go outside, but he feels (and I agree somewhat) that it would be better not to see her again.

It doesn't help that i have no friends and am on benefits which is I feel not good enough for her. I have no qualifications and my whole life is now just my mum and dd. I feel so wretched. I know I will at some point start to get over this but my dd deserves better. When she asks when exbf is coming over what am I supposed to say? 'not today darling'? Or should I try to explain he cant be here anymore?

Sorry for length, I know this is AIBU please be gentle I feel guilty enough as it is for not being good enough for him

I'd just explain that he can't visit anymore for now.

Please don't think you're not good enough for him though. You want different things and the relationship can't continue because of that. Give yourself some time to grieve for the relationship and then pick yourself up again. You're allowed to feel sad the relationship has ended, but you will be okay. Your dd will be okay too.

Thankyou Ali,
Its just all happened so fast and I'm trying to get my head round it.

I strongly disagree that he should just disappear without a good explanation. Dd could well imagine it's something she had done. If possible together (just you if not), explain that you aren't going to be getting married and that means he won't be coming over any more. Tell her it's okay to feel sad, that mummy feels sad but it's going to be fine because mummy will be with her forever and loves her very much. You will probably need to repeat this a few times.

Thankyou primary, that's a really simple way to put it. I just know she will cry and that she will cry a lot more about it over the next few months but I think you're right I owe it to her

At three I'd be more inclined to minimise it where possible. Focus on doing really lovely things together, such as nature walks, (free) baking cakes (cheap) and toy tea parties (free)

It is going to be hard for you, but childen are so adaptable. You have no choice in this, and I'm so sorry for you, but she will be ok, and will survive and thrive. At first I'd say exbf can't come tonight only if and when she asks, followed immediately by a distraction of something lovely you can do together (not in a fraught uptight way, just be breezy) If she gets upset, comfort her and give cuddles, but don't wallow or dwell. Keep your own grief private.

Are you in a Sure start area? You sound so isolated, it would really help if you could bear to put yourself out there a bit with a toddler group or two.

Getting through the next few weeks and months will be tough but you will be fine too. If you add 'yet' to lots of your statements they start to look a lot more positive e.g I have no qualification yet but I can get some! Sending you a hug.

Thankyou both. I'd love to study but with little money and only 10 nursery hours a week (no other childcare or family who can) I cant see how I can. I am isolated since dd dad cut me off from everyone (abusive and controlling) and I never really got new friends. I have tried lots of facebook groups, tried talking to people at soft play, in my neighborhood etc I guess I either need a class or club but again I don't know how id look after her or pay for classes. You've been so supportive thankyou

You don't have to do everything all at once. You could have an aim of doing a course once DD starts school. Just having hopes, dreams, even if not possible right now can help. Maybe see if the childrens centre do any introductory courses with childcare provided free. Be kind to yourself! Also if you haven't had counselling for previous domestic abuse try ringing women's aid. abusive relationships can really effect your self confidence.

I think that honest, simple talking is the way to go. Reassure your DD that you love her very much and will always be around. Could you ask ex DP to write a kind note to DD to explain the situation? So sad for you, it's a miserable situation for all concerned, but your posts do suggest that he is trying to be decent about it

I was in an almost identical situation last year. My dd was 3 at the time. I just told her that me and xxx weren't friends anymore, and that he had to go away because him and mummy were making each other sad, but he still loved her lots. Then put lots of emphasis on how much me and her sister love her, and have carried on doing that every time she has mentioned him since.

Also, 3 years olds can be very easily distracted.

E.g.

Dd: I miss xxx, I want to see him.

Me: I know you do, but you've got mummy and dd1 here who love you lots and lots. Shall we go and make some cakes?

Dd: ok!

It's upsetting but you'll be ok.

Have you looked into doing an access course? I did one last year and it was manageable time wise (12 hours per week). Depending on the college you may get a grant for childcare and travel. Once you have done that, you can get into uni and then you will be laughing financially as a single parent. I get 14k a year in grants, plus hb, plus tax credits and child benefit, and 80% of my childcare paid for. You can do it, you're obviously bright. Look into it, it will be something to look forward to and focus on.

Thankyou all. I think I will get my provisional and save for lessons then look at access courses that I can drive to one day a week and swap her from 5 hours two days a week to 10 hours once a week so I can go. Today is no brighter really, cried at the dentist who was quite taken aback as you can imagine! Now I have to cancel the August butlins holiday so wont be a great day today x

I just want to thank everyone here. I feel much brighter now than 24 hours ago. I talked to dd and although teary she seems to understand. For now everything I say e.g. 'you and me are going to x tomorrow' she says sadly 'you and me.. But not 'exbf'' and I say 'no baby, not exbf' then I say something positive like 'we are going to have lots of fun there!' or 'tell you what, lets get your legos out and build a castle!' Hope I'm handling this right

Have you looked at open university for qualifications you can do it from home around nursery lo bedtime whenever you have time to do it? That way you don't need childcare to cover

Bell I did but all the courses seemed to be into the thousands of pounds and I don't know who, where, if etc I could get any funding for it. I have a childcare background (did 1.8 years of 2 year level 3 course) but no qualifications. I want to teach older children now - primary school.

Just to say my ds was 3 when his dad walked out. I minimised it and it worked. He now has no recollection of the time at all

Thankyou runny, that's reassuring to hear