Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to be cross that they forgot/ignored my birthday?

39 replies

youngestsprout · 23/02/2015 20:41

Not sure if my db and sil are trying to wind me up - maybe someone can help.
I'm not a big birthday sort of person but I have made an effort with my sil. On her birthday I bring take out coffee, cakes and a present(she has a toddler)and generally be warm and friendly. I meet up with her at a toddler group so have regular contact.
They didn't even remember my birthday. Then my db calls my 2 days after and wishes me a happy birthday. I said it's not my birthday, he said oh sorry got the days mixed up. The year before they were busy. My db used to be polite on birthdays what's changed - is sil behind it?

OP posts:

Original poster

youngestsprout · 23/02/2015 20:43

I should add that SIL still hasn't wished me a happy birthday, but is seeing me as normal.

OP posts:

onepieceoflollipop · 23/02/2015 20:45

I think if they are generally kind and warm towards you, you have to accept that birthdays mean more to some people (like you) than others (like them).
Don't continue with cake/coffee etc for theirs if it is going to upset you that they don't reciprocate. It is not a big deal to them, obviously.

Original poster

youngestsprout · 23/02/2015 20:48

What not even a happy birthday then? Would you see someone every week and not wish them a hb I don't expect a present.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 23/02/2015 20:51

Just stop making the effort for hers/theirs. They're obviously not bothered.

I don't know the birthdays of any of my SILS and they mine.

onepieceoflollipop · 23/02/2015 20:54

It's just not a priority for her/them. You can either accept this, or be "off" with them/her. (Which would be a shame if they are generally pleasant towards you. are they?) if there are more major issues, then address those perhaps rather than focusing on the birthday issue.

onepieceoflollipop · 23/02/2015 20:55

How close are you to db? I would ask mine directly if I was concerned, rather than assuming he would want to "wind me up"

CaptainAnkles · 23/02/2015 20:58

I'd stop trying with their birthdays too.

321zerobaby · 23/02/2015 21:03

I really like my SIL, but I always forget her birthday. Doesn't mean I like her any less, I've just got a crap memory.

Original poster

youngestsprout · 23/02/2015 21:05

I have to admit relationship with them is a struggle but I have made an effort with them because of the dc. Sil is a lot younger than us and I'm wondering whether db is trying to put me down slightly to elevate her position iyswim. There are lots of other subtle things they do like ignore a text if I invite then for dinner etc

OP posts:

onepieceoflollipop · 23/02/2015 21:10

If my db/sil failed to reply to a text or forgot my birthday I wouldn't think that much of it! as in my case they are quite chaotic/disorganised and I know it wouldn't be deliberate. I would phone and ask if I was worried.
You are coming across as a little needy/possibly jealous of sil. She is your db's partner and therefore doesn't need to be "elevated". Dp is his priority rather than dsis.
Why are you trying to force the relationship?

Original poster

youngestsprout · 23/02/2015 21:15

Ok maybe your right I should probably leave them to it. I am not needy with them at all. I realise db's priorities are there, I was just trying to build a strong extended family.

OP posts:

TheRealMaryMillington · 23/02/2015 21:20

Did other people (your parents, oh, kids, mates) remember your birthday?

If so you could just mention, you know passive aggressively casually what a lovely lunch/card/flowers so and so brought you. And see what happens.

ApocalypseThen · 23/02/2015 21:33

You're not seriously suggesting that your sister in law is preventing your poor brother from noting your birthday? Just think about that. Could she really prevent him from sending you a card if he really wanted to? And why would she?

Original poster

youngestsprout · 23/02/2015 21:51

No I'm not saying that at all. I just think it's odd when I mentioned what I did for my birthday for her not to say, oh sorry forgot your birthday. All other family and friends could manage a card or text etc. I'm not trying to make a big deal of the birthday just trying to point out why would someone not do this but still carry on a conversation etc Is she just a complete bitch?

OP posts:

ApocalypseThen · 23/02/2015 22:05

Who knows? Maybe she left your brother to do the greetings and assumed it had been done.

Runningupthathill82 · 23/02/2015 22:09

No, she's not a complete bitch - she sounds normal to me! If your brother has wished you a happy birthday (albeit a couple of days late, but that's easily done), what else is there for her to do?!
I adore my one and only niece but can't remember her birthday. I know it's the end of the month though, so I send a present at roughly the right time and hope that will suffice.
But with adult friends and family - really, I find it odd to be so bothered about birthdays. Some people just aren't bothered, sounds like your SIL is one of them. I'd stop doing the cake if I were you.
Equally, I get on great with my SIL but I have no idea when her birthday is, other than sometime in August.

gamerchick · 23/02/2015 22:10

You know it's far more likely that your sil swore not to take responsibility for your brothers family when it came to occasions.

As has been said on here many times. You take on a dude.. It does this mean you take over his card giving and pressies.

Original poster

youngestsprout · 23/02/2015 22:19

Ordinarily i wouldn't be bothered, it's just that as I see her every week I would say that it would be odd to apply db takes over birthday duties. I don't send cards to all dh's family but we don't see them every week. I suppose I wrongly saw her as a friend. I just think it's bad manners if someone you see regularly not to say oh yes it was your birthday hope you had nice day etc. It seems I'm in the minority so I'll leave it.

OP posts:

Original poster

youngestsprout · 23/02/2015 22:24

I mean yiabu

OP posts:

wartsnall · 23/02/2015 22:30

I was going to suggest you mention what you did for your birthday but I see you already did. She is either hard-hearted or seriously trying to wind you up.
To make yourself feel better I personally would just ask her out right if 'we are not bothering with birthdays anymore'?
Is there a chance she thought your dB had bought for you and she is awaiting a thankyou for the present?

gabsdot45 · 24/02/2015 08:13

Sometimes people just forget. I am usually great t remembering birthdays but this year I totally forgot my nieces birthday. I was in the toy shop a few days before and they had a sale and I thought "it's a pity we don't have any birthdays coming up". Also I have a nephew, (from the other side of the family) who was born on the same day and I remembered it was his birthday. Sometimes people just forget.

AGirlCalledBoB · 24/02/2015 08:21

I leave my oh to sort out his cards/texts/presents for his family. His family, his responsibility. Maybe it's the same with them so it's your brother at fault not hers. If a family member was pissed because we forgot their birthday they would be directed to my oh.

However I do agree she could have politely asked you when she saw you but perhaps she did not want it to be awkward because she knew the oh forgot.

emms1981 · 24/02/2015 08:29

Don't bother with them anymore just their child/ children. My bil never sends my husband a card and doesn't wish me happy birthday I'm not to bothered but it does hurt that him and his wife never send my sons a card either, they don't have children but if they did I would never be so cruel. They just have a poor cat that they keep allowing to have kittens.

molyholy · 24/02/2015 08:55

I have no idea when my sils/bils bdays are and I really like them both. I am sure they have no idea when mine is either and tbh they wouldn't be arsed if they forgot my bday and vice versa. I wouldn't take it personally.

ohtheholidays · 24/02/2015 09:03

I forgot my poor aunties birthday,it was the first week of February and I found my diary yesterday and realized.I got my DH to get her a lovely big bunch of flowers(I paid for them)I have the flu so couldn't go out.

DH dropped them round to her yesterday and apologized for me.I am ill/disabled though and have brain damage(long term/short term memory loss)she was just worried about me not the missed birthday bless her,but she did love the flowers.

Has one of them been ill maybe,or little one not sleeping?

My brother forgot my birthday last year(bullshit)first one without our Mum.Yet we always buy him a card and presents for his birthday and my SIL's birthday(she forgot as well)and for they're anniversary and I've always bought for all 7 of they're DC,every Birthday,Christmas,Easter.His children are all adults now so I buy birthday,Christmas and Easter cards and gifts for they're children,his grandchildren.

He didn't even get our children a Christmas card last year and they all adore him.We of course bought him and my SIL presents and cards.So I'm just not going to bother buying for either of them this year.

Flip

1 2