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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to stop buying presents for DBs kids?

21 replies

moominbabe · 23/02/2015 14:46

I don't really want to stop getting them birthday or Christmas presents, I have always sent them decent gifts every year (they are 7 and 9). But I am feeling increasingly resentful that my DD (age 3) has never had a single gift from him and his family other than when she was born. I am sure that his wife's neices aren't forgotten about the same way, and they definitely are not one of those families that "don't really do gifts". My DH is getting increasingly annoyed as each Christmas/birthday goes by unmarked - it would be a hanging offence in his family to not send a gift!

We live some distance away so only see them 2 or 3 times a year, I am not especially close to DB, but do like catching up when we visit, and the kids love playing together. I suspect it is simply that he forgets rather than anything else, but seriously how hard can it be? It isn't his kids' fault that he is a rubbish uncle, but I'm not sure I want to continue the one sided gift giving. Both their birthdays are close to Christmas so it is a significant extra expense for us. Or am I just being entitled expecting him to reciprocate?

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/02/2015 15:31

I am sure that his wife's neices aren't forgotten about the same way. In our house, DH's family are mostly, I always make sure wonderful DSiL is sorted his business and my family are mine.

Sad to forget the kids when it's really your DB's fault. Do they send a thank-you email or anything?

ApocalypseThen · 23/02/2015 15:33

We're the same. I remember and buy for my family, he does his. They may have the same approach so I'd not bother resenting your sister in law for this.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 23/02/2015 15:36

Look, you think you know someone but sometimes you don't, this is probably an action to try to stop you buying so they don't ever have to - take a hint, it's an expensive business

We have said no extended family presents and one of the family always ignores this and they can I'll afford it, I refuse to get into the tit for tat present nonsense so won't buy back, eventually they may learn, they have been told

lem73 · 23/02/2015 15:39

It's a toughie. I have exactly the same problem with my dh's brother. However dh takes the line that it's not the kids' fault. I know he's right but it is a bit pissing off to spend the money year after year and see my kids get nothing. If you decided not to buy them gifts any more, I don't think it would be unreasonable. You are certainly not being entitled expecting him to reciprocate. To be honest, if it was my own brother, I'd stop the gift giving.

shakemysilliesout · 23/02/2015 16:03

Just stop buying

shoofly · 23/02/2015 16:06

Just stop buying and if asked I'd say 'Oh I just thought we weren't doing presents' I would bet that it's never mentioned.

flimmyflam · 23/02/2015 16:09

Ohh could a moomin really use her nieces as pawns a game of revenge against her brother? YABU - it's not their fault so why punish the kids? Don't get your brother presents if you feel you need to cut someone off. Or just tell him to buck his ideas up.

GloopyGhoul · 23/02/2015 16:10

We have the opposite with my in-laws. They buy lovely, thoughtful gifts for us, but my husband almost never buys them birthday gifts or cards. I'm reluctant to take on the role of Chief Admin Officer, so worry that they blame me either way.

If you like your nieces and nephews then keep buying. It's not their fault your brother is crap at presents, and you cannot blame your sister in law just because she's the woman.

PtolemysNeedle · 23/02/2015 16:10

I don't think your brother should feel obliged to buy presents for your daughter just for the sake of it. It's up to you whether you buy presents for his children or not. If you want to then do, but if you don't then don't. It's not that it's hard to buy, wrap and send gifts, it's just that it's unnecessary hassle that some people would rather do without if it's not really a process they enjoy.

You're right that it isn't the children's fault, but they aren't going to come to any harm just because they didn't get a present from you, so it doesn't really matter. You said you're not that close, so why do you think he is obliged to buy your child presents?

DontTurnAround · 23/02/2015 16:10

I'd stop buying, I've already stopped putting thought into our ILs gifts at Christmas. It's just not appreciated or reciprocated in the same way.

Cobain · 23/02/2015 16:21

It is difficult, for me I did not mind that my DC never received anything it was the complete blanking of the fact I had bought. The most annoying part was before I had DC I big fuss was made about buying for my nieces and because I had no DC they where expected to be large and for me to be generous (they set the tone). I had this dream of close cousins but the reality is my nieces are close to me because of what I have done for them but there is no relationship between my DCs and my brother.

rinabean · 23/02/2015 16:56

"I am sure that his wife's neices aren't forgotten about the same way"

Well perhaps not because I imagine she is buying stuff for her own sister/brother's kids. So what does that have to do with anything?

You dance around it but what you're saying is: I thought when my shit brother married a woman it would mean she'd pick up his slack and she hasn't, how rude of her! I am going to be mean to their children to get back at her.

Which isn't nice so yes YABU. And their bdays being close to Xmas doesn't increase the cost... they have birthdays every year do they not? On the same date normally? So you can plan? How can you have a go at your brother forgetting when you apparently also forget

DeeWe · 23/02/2015 18:31

I don't think it's being mean to the kids. If the OP had posted that her kids were upset because her db hadn't given them a present then MN would be calling them entitled wouldn't they?

You said you're not that close, so why do you think he is obliged to buy your child presents? absolutely. And by the same mark the OP isn't obliged to buy his dc presents.

I stopped doing presents for bil's family and let him know that I assumed he'd decided that we weren't exchanging presents. This was after he hadn't got ds a present ever (even when we saw them the week before and it was mentioned) and dd1 and dd2 had had a few but less than 50% and none for the last 3 years.*
Suddenly since then he's managed to remember each time. Ds' first present from him was for his 7th birthday. Just proving that he can remember when there's something in it for him.

*And really I was totally happy to not exchange presents with him. He never acknowledged them except to complain about them, and the children get enough stuff that they'd never have missed it.

Original poster

moominbabe · 23/02/2015 18:33

OK, I think my original comments might have been misinterpreted by a couple of people! I have no resentment towards my SIL, she is a lovely lady, my brother is lucky to have her!! They have been together a long time, pre-dating my own relationship by many years, so there was no expectation that she would suddenly start buying my family presents when my DB couldn't be bothered.

I also specifically said above that it isn't the kids fault for their dad's behaviour - perhaps I should have been more explicit in saying that they are lovely kids, and I have no wish whatsoever to punish them which is why I am reluctant to stop the gift giving on my part. BUT I dislike feeling resentful about this, and the kids may well not even notice the lack of a gift, given we don't see them that often - although the Christmas ones are always handed over when we visit the family in December, and I would feel awkward not having something for them (doesn't bother DB though ). There are no thank you cards/emails - do people still do those?

PPs are probably right in that SIL buys for her family, DB is supposed to buy for his (small family, parents gone, so we are only talking about gifts for 1 or 2 people really).

Slight dripfeed - before DD was born, we used to exchange gifts for the adults, but we told everyone not to bother with gifts for us once DD came along, and just to buy for her. On at least two occasions, DB has asked us what we would like for her, promised to send something on in the post, and nothing has arrived. Which leads me to go with the "forgetful idiot" theory rather than anything else.

OP posts:

Original poster

moominbabe · 23/02/2015 18:48

Oh, and in response to the "why buy presents if you aren't that close" - our parents are gone (DM used to be the central hub to the family), and we live a four hour drive away. I like to think that by giving the kids gifts and making the effort to go and visit a few times a year we will keep the family connection. I don't want to be one of those families who just drift apart for lack of effort. My brother is a decent man and a good father, its not like he is a total waste of space who I am better off without!

OP posts:

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 23/02/2015 19:49

I would rather have a visit than a present, smily wise we are much the same as you, but lack of gifts doesn't make us more distant, just less materialistic

He's your brother, is it really worth rocking the boat over, just stop buying bloody gifts, he has, take a hint

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 23/02/2015 19:50

Visit and go for a meal, spend time together and drops the gift obsession

bluebeanie · 23/02/2015 20:35

Have you ever been together for Christmas with your db's family? It would highlight the lack of presents for your dd. Could be mightily awkward though. I'd hold back with the gifts and wait for him to notice and say something.

Dh and I buy gifts from both of us for each of our families. It's happened ever since I got fed up doing the 'thinking' and 'reminding' for us both. He forgot his sister's birthday...got into shit from the rest of the family...and now has reminders for all birthdays on his phone.

DisappointedOne · 23/02/2015 20:38

Similar situation here. Am taking the hint this year and not buying for any of the nieces or nephews.

honeyroar · 23/02/2015 20:50

I stopped with my DB's children. I bought lovely presents for him, his girlfriend, their two children and her two from a previous relationship for years, never receiving so much as a card back. When I met my husband and my DSS they never bought my DSS anything and I got fed up. I stopped buying. A few years later I felt guilty, it's not the kids fault, so I make a hamper full of Xmas chocolates, chocolate reindeer, other bits and bobs, plus a few things like cookie making kits and a bottle of baileys for the parents. It doesn't cost hundreds like I used to spend, we still don't get anything back, but I don't feel mean!

Pico2 · 23/02/2015 21:07

My DB didn't get anything for DD one Christmas, I think she was 2. I always bought for my DNs. The next year I sent him an email "to clarify whether we were doing presents for the children". That seemed to fix the problem. I still have no idea why he missed that Christmas as I know they have a cupboard of stuff that the DNs have been given and is regifted, so they didn't even need to go shopping.

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