Need some perspective - wedding related

[BooksBirkinsBeauty]

NC for this.
Some background: I've been junior partner in a small law firm for the past few years. Eight colleagues, all male.
Last week, youngest colleague comes into work and announces he and fiancee are getting married in Spain (bride is Spanish) early May. We're all invited.
Other colleagues immediately announce with enthusiasm we're all going to attend, what a great idea, we'll have a party etc.
I'm dreading the idea: colleague who's getting married and I are the only under 30s at the office, other colleagues are more late 40s-mid 50s. We get on well, but we never socialise outside work, except for the odd post-work drinks. I've never met the fiancee.
Going would involve taking at least one, possibly two (wedding location is remote and getting there would require Ryanair flight plus 1.5h train journey), days off, which I'm not less able to afford than my more senior colleagues.
I feel pressured into going even though I'd be perfectly happy just to contribute to the present and send my regrets.
RL friends say that, if I stay home, it'll look bad, workwise, as everyone else is going. Plus, they say there might be gossip as I'm single and the only woman there, and someone might speculate my not going is out of jealousy. This latter possibility hadn't even crossed my mind until my friend voiced it
AIBU to say thanks, but no thanks or would it be better to just such it up and go along with everyone else?

Surely you can't all take the same time off work if it's a small firm?
You don't have to go and I wouldn't as I don't socialise with colleagues really.
You could always make positive noises now, then when invite comes say something came up etc etc.
Btw I would never think a single woman wouldn't go to a wedding out of jealousy. Unless she directly said it!

Why would you care if it will look bad? They can think what they like. You don't want to go, and can't afford it. Tell them you'll sadly give up going keep things running in the office if it makes you feel better.

No way would i go! Your work colleagues might think you're a jealous lonely saddo but i would rather they think that and keep my £££!!

if you don't want to go, don't go!
this is an important life lesson I learned too late

A holiday with work colleagues? No thank you. I'm happy enough to sit next to mine for around 9 hours a day, go on holiday with them, no way.

I doubt your engaged colleague is actually expecting you all to go and is now thinking oh crap if you don't all spend any time together out of work and therefore dont have personal relationships.

I'd just invent a family celebration that you cant miss if you don't want to say just a straight no thank you, Grandads 90th is a good one. Meal out and family party.

When everyone is in the office just say "Thank you for the invite, unfortunately I have a family event that weekend but I hope you have a lovely time. Here are some Euros to buy a celebratory drink on me"

As for the perception you may be jealous, I think your friend maybe projecting. I doubt your male colleagues will even think like this. But if they did and say something. Just laugh and say no way, i'm far too focused on my career to worry about that. Besides you cant stick around forever can you

I think you should go!

-If everyone is going, I wouldn't expect it to come out of your AL, so that issue is negated.

-A Ryanair flight can't be beyond the means of a partner in a law firm. Your colleagues know more or less what you earn and this will sound like an excuse.

-It will look bad if you're the only person who doesn't go. You can chose to care about that, or not, but it will look bad.

-You might enjoy it!

Although, you might find that the initial enthusiasm wanes and actually everyone isn't going, in which case, ignore everything I said.

So ridiculous. Just say you can't go. No one will think any less of you.

Thank you everyone for sharing your opinions!
I'm even more for not going now, won't be the end of the world and I'd obviously much rather spend money on a holiday of my own choosing
Suppose male colleagues won't be over thinking this half as much as RL female friends (and me)!

Actually, given that it's a small law firm and all the others are going, I would go. It would be weird to be the only partner not going. Depends on what your ambitions are as well. Do you want to make senior/managing partner in this law firm one day?
Like it or not, advancing in your career requires more than just working in the office/being a good worker and implies having to go to loads of social events you don't really want to attend. I work in a large, corporate law firm so a bit different from yours but socialising is crucial if you have high ambitions.

I also wonder whether the male colleagues had spoken with their OHs before committing to this trip?

Ooh excellent, a paid work do. Thanks boss.

Oh, not paid? And out of my annual leave? Oh gosh, sorry but I have other thlngs planned for my wages and leave. Hope you all have a lovely time.

I'd agree with you in most "jobs" Delicious, but partner in a Law firm is different, especially if you have any ambition, as viva says.

It's never going to be the kind of job/career where only what you do between 9-5 M-F counts. In fact what you do after 5pm probably has more impact, provided you're good enough at the actual work.

MustBe, only one of my colleagues is married (with grown up children), others are either single or in short term relationships, no kids, so I don't suppose that'll make a significant difference re. attendance.

I agree with Chertsey, you ought to go.

Though it may be that not everyone goes in the end, in which case you're off the hook.

Though it's not ideal and I wouldn't be totally keen either, I think you should go. It is important to network with your colleagues and show you're part of the senior fee-earning team. If you'd like to become an equity partner and progress to more senior roles in the firm, this is something you should do. If you're genuinely not that bothered about that, then don't go.

I don't believe this to be a gender issue at all. I doubt your partners will be thinking along those lines, but while you're young(er than them) and unattached - and therefore unencumbered - this is the time to invest in relationships within your firm.

It would be interesting to see if ALL the partners actually accept the invitation once it's sent out (and the initial excitement of a 'group trip' to Spain fades). It might be wise to make the right noises now and then gauge things closer to the time. Maybe (and fingers crossed?) your potential absence will be less noted then.

Agree with others that say though this sounds dire it might be important workwise. Personally I'd say suck it up and go. If the wedding's on a weekend you won't have to use up any leave right? Just a flight and a couple of nights away. I definitely get why you resent this, but in my experience it's easy for women to get left out of the out of work socialising that can be so important at workplaces like this.

You're going to have to bite the bullet and say you'll be the one to keep the office running, you're really sorry that you have to miss this but obviously the firm can't shut down for three or four days and they need a partner there to make sure everything goes OK and that cheques can still be signed and no one runs off with the client account monies.

If you see a future with this law firm I would go. Its only a couple of days.

Of course you don't have to go. Just say you've got family commitments that weekend.

A wedding attendance is not part of the job. I am a solicitor too and there's no way I'd spend my money and use up my leave to go to a colleague's wedding unless I actually wanted to.

The assumption that all lawyers can afford Ryanair flights makes me laugh. Firstly, Ryanair flights are more expensive than BA once you add in all the extras. Secondly, have they seen what a legal aid lawyer earns? Not all lawyers are fat 6-7-figure-earning cats.

I worked in small law firms for years. There is no way everybody will be able to take leave at the same time, unless they decide to close the firm for a few days, and how exactly would that work? Court dates/completions etc and no-one to cover?
The firms I worked for didn't even close completely over the Christmas period ( when lots of other businesses are closed), we had to take turns providing skeleton cover.
Personally, I'd keep quiet and wait to see what happens. It's lovely that everyone is invited but the reality is you won't all be able to go.