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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed that DH never asks

13 replies

Ragglefrock · 21/02/2015 23:35

Be reasonably gentle as I dont know if I'm being needy or have a genuine reason to be annoyed.
My DH never asks after me. He never asks me how I am. He's on a weekend away and has texted a few times to tell me what he's doing which is great. But that's it. There's no reciprocity he's simply told me what he's doing with no asking after the children or I. This isnt a new thing and I admittedly this is passive aggressive actually recorded about 2 years ago that he went for nine months without even a very perfunctory "how are you". I then had a 'big chat' with him about how rubbish it made me feel and that asking him to ask after me also made me feel even worse!
There's no change there. Hes and excellent husband and father in many ways; tolerant, patient, amazing lover. But I do need a bit of attention to how I feel about stuff. I'm a sahm so not exactly international woman of mystery but I'm intelligent and have views on stuff.
AIBU or needy?

OP posts:
captainfarrell · 21/02/2015 23:41

When i was a SAHM i felt a bit like this. I suppose he wrongly thinks he knows what you're doing because you're with the children. I found that when i started working again my DH took asked about me more maybe because i'd been doing different things. Still, it's not unreasonable, maybe he needs another reminder, a bit of sarcasm usually does the trick!

GatoradeMeBitch · 21/02/2015 23:47

Do you ask how he is? If so, stop! How do your conversations start? 'How are you?' is always my first line!

Original poster
Ragglefrock · 21/02/2015 23:56

Yes I ask him exactly like that Gatorade - he tells me and well that's that! I have tried not asking but then there's no conversation and he just assumes Im moody?! Or he'll just launch into his stuff anyway.
It's pretty depressing to have to ask the person who should care about you the most to uhhh care...

OP posts:
MrsMinton · 22/02/2015 00:02

Not needy at all. I'd either do what Gatorade suggested or just launch into an account of my day and about the dcs. Then ask how he is. Or message him and say what you've done. I know it must hurt but maybe just telling him about what your doing may prompt him to realise he's missing out by not asking.

GatoradeMeBitch · 22/02/2015 00:47

Your husband - Hi.
You - Oh hi! (cheerful)

Then wait. If there's a silence don't break it. If he then does launch into how he is, wait for him to stop talking and then start telling him how you and the dc's are - not in a mardy way, be bright and chatty. And then ask him how he is. It's a faff, but it should work, hopefully.

I have a relative who is just like that, and all I can do is manage her. If she rings and I answer her 'Hi', with 'Hi, how are you?' I'm left holding the receiver for 90 minutes while she tells me. If I answer with 'Hi', she feels compelled to fill the space with 'How are you?' so I tell her, and she gets bored and ends the conversation five minutes later!

fizzycolagurlie · 22/02/2015 00:59

Mine is the same. I have given up expecting to be asked or noticed how I am. I tell him how I am when I need to, and he's quite good at listening and taking it on board. Its a male thing. Not socially as well wired as us.

MrsTedCrilly · 22/02/2015 01:18

YANBU! I'm a sahm and the first thing my partner texts is "How are you? Whatcha upto?" even though he knows I'm at home and in a world of soiled nappies and Iggle Piggle! It just shows interest.. I would be having serious words. He sounds very self consumed. But like you say he's great in all other areas do I don't get the disparity.. Confused

MrsTedCrilly · 22/02/2015 01:18

so*

vampirehunter · 22/02/2015 01:38

DH would never ask me how I am in a text if he's away - it would just prolong the conversation and he's not one for communicating by text. In fact he rarely texts at all if he's away (will sometimes email but doesn't make an effort to get internet if it's not free and available). It doesn't bother me, I'm always quite pleased to focus on myself when he's away.

He does ask me how I am when he comes home, but it's all a bit routine and I don't really go into depth about my day. If I've got an interesting anecdote to tell him, or need to tell him some news which affects our plans, I'll mention it but I don't bore him with the minutiae of my daily life. He does the same, I often don't know much about what he does day to day unless something amusing/unusual has happened.

maras2 · 22/02/2015 03:25

That's not on fragglewe've been married for over 40 years and hardly a day goes by without us asking about each other.First thing in the morning we say stupid stuff like 'hiya did you sleep ok ?'If anything changes in our routine,then we talk to each other and always ask if it's ok about blah blah whatever but make sure that we check out each other's feelings.It's common courtesy.Sit down and have a chat.

sykadelic · 22/02/2015 04:01

I've never asked "are you okay?" 'cause that's weird, but I have asked after his day and he mine when we get home from work. Or "how did you sleep?".

I suppose he just assumes you'll tell him if there's anything to report. Talking about just himself is a bit self serving... Does he at least ask about the kids?

PopTarts · 22/02/2015 10:14

See I wouldn't have an issue with this at all. Dh calls me every day and asks 'how's it going'. I always want to answer 'same as always'. What else could possibly be going on for Gods sake, I'm a sahm of a highly active two year old, and taxi driver of a busy club-Mad nearly 6 year old.
every day is the same so stop asking me how the fuck it's going!

it's possible I'm just a moody grump though

Purplepoodle · 22/02/2015 10:20

It irritates the heck out of me when dh asks all the time - how I am. If I'm having a bad day I tell him or stuffs going on I tell him, I don't need him to constantly ask me

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