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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He's had rice crackers.

41 replies

SpawningSalmon · 21/02/2015 15:26

I left 8 month old DS with D(and I use that initial loosely)H from 12 until any time now, with instructions to give him lunch, which I left on the side and some formula from the carton (usually bf). Came home from watching the Peppa movie at 2:15 to find lunch still on the side and only 50mls taken (assume decanted) from the carton. DH had taken DS for a walk with his friend. I text him to let him know he had missed his lunch & milk and to let me know when they are in their way home and I would have his food and social services waiting. And received the reply that is the subject of this thread.
AIBU to LTB?

OP posts:
GoringBit · 21/02/2015 15:52

devil's Blush

NerrSnerr · 21/02/2015 15:52

He'll let your husband know if he's hungry. He's a parent too and you have to trust his judgement.

niceandwarm · 21/02/2015 15:59

My db took my 6month old pfb for a walk in the park, stopped at a cafe and fed her chocolate cake. The evidence was all round her mouth when they got home and I went ballistic because I swore chocolate would never pass her lips until forever.
However she didn't suffer any ill effects and I've calmed down since.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 21/02/2015 16:06

Why do you have to leave a pack lunch for your DH to feed to his son when you go out for a few hours? Sounds a little controlling, its never occurred to me to leave with more than a "last time they ate was at X o'clock" Surely their father can work out from that when they next need food throwing their way?

CobbOnn · 21/02/2015 16:08

When my DS was little and ebf, he would usually not eta or drink anything if we wre apart for a few hours, and make up for it later. Now he's 16months, some days all he will eat is a few rice crackers.

Not sure what your problem is.

Charitybelle · 21/02/2015 16:17

Well, going against the grain I think you are NBU.

I'm guessing you're his primary carer? Which means he's with you most of the time and you manage to feed him healthy balanced meals and milk at regularly timed intervals? Your dh has him how often? Not too often by the way you wrote your op and the fact you felt the need to prep lunch and put out the milk before you went out? Does he know how much milk he should have and in which cupboard it lives? I suspect not, otherwise you could have left him to work it out himself.
So you did all the prep for the afternoon to get 3 hours to yourself and he couldn't even be naffed to give him his lunch and milk properly when it was sat right there!

I agree with pp that baby will survive, can let you know when he's hungry, yadda yadda, of course. This is fine when you're looking after dc all day every day and occasionally you need to relax and go with the flow. I certainly have had rice cracker and babybel days with mine as I look after them 24/7 365. But what's his excuse for 3 hours ffs?

To me this just smacks of good old fashioned sexism. when a man looks after a child we're supposed to throw all basic expectations out of the window and just be pleased the baby is still alive at the end of it. Dare to complain about any aspect of frankly substandard care and you're told to be grateful and stfu. Fact is, he's saying very loudly and clearly that all the work you do is unnecessary and he can just swan off with friends having fun with baby, not worry about their routine, their nutrition or anything that takes any effort, and thereby prove how uptight and over organised you are.

I'm not saying he's a horrible person or a bad dad, just that if we treat men like children and expect so little of them in terms of parenting, it's doing them and us a disservice.

Seekingtheanswers · 21/02/2015 16:22

To me this just smacks of good old fashioned sexism. when a man looks after a child we're supposed to throw all basic expectations out of the window and just be pleased the baby is still alive at the end of it.

Or you could say it is sexism to assume that the mother knows the right way of looking after a child and that the father really ought to stick to her instructions if he wants to do a proper job.

Some parents think routine is important. Others think it isn't. There isn't a right or wrong answer, but assuming that the child is not distressed, a later lunch won't do any harm at all.

Charitybelle · 21/02/2015 16:39

True. But I'll bet it wasn't a parenting choice the ops dh made. Weighing up the options and making a considered decision to go for a walk and do lunch later. I'll bet he just wanted to go for a walk with his mate so he did. Be interesting to know if he comes in and cracks on feeding the child, or if op ends up doing it. My guess is the latter.....

ifgrandmahadawilly · 21/02/2015 16:43

I disagree with most of the responses here, I don't think you are being unreasonable OP.

When I first started leaving my dd with her father he would forget to offer her milk / food etc and it really pissed me off. It shouldn't have to get to the point of the child crying with hunger or thirst before they get fed! He also wasn't great at picking up on her signals.

One time I got back and her lips were really dry; it turns out he hadn't thought to give her any liquids from the time they got out of bed until 2.00pm and she was as thirsty as hell!

Maybe my personal experience is colouring my response though - perhaps your son (luckily) wasn't particularly hungry?

arethereanyleftatall · 21/02/2015 16:48

The last few posts show why you actually needed to out 'lighthearted' in the title. There are actually people out there who get upset by this stuff, and missed your update that you were joking.

Charitybelle · 21/02/2015 16:52

I didn't miss the update. Regardless of how the op sees it, people are going to have an opinion. Personally it would piss me off, but if she thinks it's funny that's great. She's the one married to him so thats prob a good thing!

Moreisnnogedag · 21/02/2015 17:08

Why charity are you sure that it wasn't a choice and that the DH was only guided by his own desires? I'd be pretty pissed off with the text the op sent - it's incredibly irritating.

My dh is as much of a parent as me - we have vastly different opinions on afternoon naps. We both get to decide what happens depending on whose in charge.

YouAreMyRain · 21/02/2015 17:16

YABU and very patronising sending that text.

FoulsomeAndMaggotwise · 21/02/2015 17:19

Formula is more filling than breast milk so he might not have wanted as much as you would usually feed him yourself. Or he just might not like it as much. Or many other reasons he didn't drink much.

Also, your DH is his parent too, unless there are more serious issues going on I think you should trust him to look after his own child. It's hard to hand over control when you're the main carer, I have that problem too, but it might be very hurtful to your DH to get the message from you that you don't think he can parent adequately. This isn't meant to be harsh, just a gentle suggestion that maybe you need to relax and trust your husband's judgement occasionally.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 21/02/2015 17:19

If a father cannot tell that their own child is hungry by 8 months and appropriately care for them, then you have both failed as a parent I'd say. And getting annoyed with the other parent that they're doing something wrong which is not wrong, just different is not the way to help them get it, it's the way to belittle the other parent and encourage failure.

Floggingmolly · 21/02/2015 17:57

If I got a text like that from DH, I wouldn't imagine for a nano second that it had been sent in a "lighthearted" manner... I didn't get the impression that your op was particularly lighthearted either? until you were told YWBU, that is

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