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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

sister took money now what?

15 replies

polkapretty · 21/02/2015 14:28

My dad sadly passed away just after Christmas. There is myself, my sister and my two brothers. We all paid an equal amount each in order to get my dad a funeral and get him cremated. We all helped my mum (who is elderly and disabled) fill in a funeral grant form and posted it away, hoping we would get some help towards the cost. Its been a while so I rang my sister last night and asked her had she heard anymore back about the funeral payment (as she deals with mums financial affairs). She started acting shifty on the phone and got a bit nasty. It turns out that my mum had the money a couple of weeks ago. I asked her had she paid it off the funeral, to which she replied," no, mum had a bill that needed paid so I paid it off that instead, we will all have to pay an extra £400 each towards the cost of the funeral." I said I haven't got that sort of money, hence applying for the grant, which mum received and that's what its intended for. Im worried as I don't want my mum to get into trouble with the DWP for not using the money towards the funeral costs. What do I do about the money being gone? I have seen no proof of this bill being paid, so don't actually know whats happened to the money and my sister wont pick up the phone to talk to me.

OP posts:
SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 21/02/2015 14:32

Ask your mum about the bill. Just casually, in a chatty way, something like "wow, that was a big bill you had recently. Was it something you hadn't expected?" If there was no such bill, her reaction will tell you so.

DO NOT go accusing your DSis of "taking the money" without proof!

Fabulassie · 21/02/2015 14:34

Well, can your mum speak for herself or is her disability such that she can't?

PtolemysNeedle · 21/02/2015 14:34

If your sister won't talk to you, there's not much you can do as she's the one that's in control. As you don't have any more money to give, don't even think about giving it. Were you expecting to get some of the cost of the funeral back from the payment?

The DWP aren't going to check where the money went so I wouldn't worry about that, but the funeral directors might have a problem if they don't get paid soon.

Original poster
polkapretty · 21/02/2015 14:38

Yes, we all paid the basic cost that was needed to have the funeral, which I had to take a loan out to do in the first place. I haven't accused my sister of "taking the money" as such, but she has taken it, whether she has paid the bill, or took it for herself, she has still taken the money, which was intended for, and we had all agreed, to pay the funeral with. My mum cannot communicate due to her disability. I was a full time carer for my dad before he passed away and she pops in and checks on mum and handles her money.

OP posts:
SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 21/02/2015 14:47

Right, in that case you have a right to know what the big bill was. Do you know what it was? Was it something more urgent than paying off the final funeral bill? For example, something like rent arrears I would have sympathy with as you wouldn't want your DM homeless.

I would still be very careful about saying your DSis "took the money". To me, and probably others, saying that she "took the money" implies that she stole it for her own advantage/use rather than used it to pay a large bill on behalf of your DM (albeit the wrong bill).

I'd really need to know the nature of the bill if I were in your position. Also, it will be up to your DSis to deal with the funeral directors as she has made the decision to prioritise something else without anyone else's consent.

CalleighDoodle · 21/02/2015 15:15

Id insist that on seeing the paper trail, pay nothing more and threatening the police

ImperialBlether · 21/02/2015 15:17

It sounds as though you need joint power of attorney here; your sister can't be trusted to act alone.

Holdthepage · 21/02/2015 15:20

You & your DB's need to sit down with her & ask to see the paper trail. Don't accuse her of anything but it is certainly not unreasonable to want to know where the grant has gone. Do not hand over any more money to her.

PulpsNotFiction · 21/02/2015 15:25

IME DWP pay the funeral directors invoice direct to them as you have to send the invoice to DWP. Although I accept that this may not happen in every instance, it's ten years ago since I had any involvement.

Ask your Dsis what the bill was she paid instead. The funeral directors will want paying and DwP will most certainly be made aware by the funeral directors that they didn't get paid, doesn't the funeral director also have to sign the grant form?

Quitelikely · 21/02/2015 15:26

Don't pay it. Your sister has had the money and I really can't thinking of any other bill more pressing than the funeral bill of your dh.

CaspoFungin · 21/02/2015 15:26

If you're all having to pay an extra £400 each that means the grant was for £1600? That's one hell of a big bill!

flimmyflam · 21/02/2015 15:59

I agree that there's nothing inherently implausible about a more pressing bill - late rent, council tax, utilities etc could have resulted in threatening letters or a court summons and in those circumstances it might have been the sensible decision to pay that off first. But yes, it's true that it must have been a giant bill for all the grant to be used up. Do you have any reason to mistrust your sister? If it was my sister I wouldn't leap to this conclusion, but maybe there's a backstory. I think Dwp would only be worried if there had been no funeral or the costs had been exaggerated or something so I don't think there's a need to worry on that score. But the undertakers are going to want paying.

RustyParker · 21/02/2015 16:10

Sorry to hear about your Dad Flowers

I don't know the rules for spouse bereavement payments (£2,000 non-means tested) which I assume is the one your DM applied for? I had to apply for the general funeral fund (for those on low income and certain benefits upto £1,500) for the funeral I had to recently organise and that payment was made directly to the funeral directors after I provided invoices.

Do you know which fund your Mum applied to? I find it hard to believe a large payment is given directly to the applicant rather than to the funeral directors.

I think you and your other siblings will have to sit with DSis and establish what exactly the situation is. Your sister should not have made these decisions without consulting the rest of you.

As hard as it is to think of it in this way, a funeral debt becomes a debt like any other which you can negotiate payment terms or CAB etc. can on your behalf so even if you are stuck with paying the outstanding balance, you won't have to pay it all at once.

CurbsideProphet · 22/02/2015 12:42

If your mum can't communicate due to her disability does that mean Adult Social Care are involved? It sounds like she needs support to make sure her finances etc are being dealt with appropriately. Apologies if I interpreted that incorrectly.

ihatethecold · 22/02/2015 12:47

Why would your sis not answer the phone.
That seems a bit suspect to me.
Go see your mum. Does she communicate non verbally at all?
Sorry to read you have lost your dad Flowers

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