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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off that he doesn't seem upset?

21 replies

kewtogetin · 21/02/2015 08:03

I had to have my beautiful dog put to sleep yesterday. He suffered a stroke, it was brief and the vet came to our home so I didn't have to distress him further by taking him to the vets etc so as far as dog deaths go this one was fairly peaceful.
BUT I'm devastated, I feel broken and if I'm honest I'm surprised. He was 16 so realistically how long did I expect him to live for? I haven't stopped crying, had no sleep last night but this morning I feel angry and I'm directing that anger to my DH.
He was at work yesterday when it happened, 3 hours from home so no chance he could have got back to say goodbye or been here to support me. I feel like it was all very neatly taken care of and sorted by the time he got home, vet took him away, arranged cremation etc; and now he's just announced he's going to see a football match today so I'm home alone with our children and I just want to scream in his face 'why aren't you fucking bothered'??
I know everyone handles things differently but I feel like he doesn't give a flying fuck and it's hurtful. I know he couldn't help being at work and I know in probably BU but I just want him to show that he's upset too.

OP posts:

WaitingForMe · 21/02/2015 08:06

I would be very hurt. Pets are family. Even if he didn't like the dog he should be sad for you. Have you told him how you feel?

I'm sorry for you loss. It doesn't matter he old they are, we're never ready.

BathtimeFunkster · 21/02/2015 08:08

Maybe he's not that upset that an old dog has died?

For some people pets are just animals they are fond of and they don't feel genuine grief when they die.

FuckyNell · 21/02/2015 08:09

Aww sorry about your dog

It would've been nice of course to offer to spend the day with you instead of football, but realistically what would you both do?

I'm dreading the thought of my ddog dying tbh, but I know that a few tears might be shed by the family but they will still be at the footie, work, school etc.

No one will EVER feel the same about my dog as me. FACT :)

Hope you feel better op.

Original poster

kewtogetin · 21/02/2015 08:09

He did love the dog though waiting- he walked him, fed him everyday. We chose him together but it seems 'out of sight out of mind' meanwhile I'm walking round the house clutching his collar wondering what the hell just happened.

OP posts:

thatsucks · 21/02/2015 08:11

He can't help the way he feels, any more than you can. You are devastated, he's not.

Very sorry for your loss and would feel the same

Playthegameout · 21/02/2015 08:23

I know Dh and I will both be devastated when ddog passes, but we'll handle it differently. Maybe your Dh feels it's better for you and Dc if he keeps himself together a bit? Going to football might just be a distraction, or he might feel he needs to be away from the house. When my dad died, I found it unbearable to be in my parents' home, because the loss was far more evident.

Why not just tell your Dh how you are feeling? If you can just be calm and explain that your struggling and you feel you want him around. If he needs to go out at least you can open the dialogue then you can both work out how to support each other. Sorry for your loss

cashewnutty · 21/02/2015 08:24

Some people internalise grief - i know i do- and i know it can make me look uncaring and callous when in reality nothing could be further from the truth. Your grief process is probably very external and obvious. There is nothing wrong with either but don't assume your DH feels nothing. I suspect he is as bereft as you are but just doesn't show it and his way of dealing hit this is to cary on with business as usual.

wobblebobblehat · 21/02/2015 08:25

Yes, I would be upset too. Our cat died last year. DH was out of the country and I had to carry him back through the woods on my own. He was crying down the phone when I told him and we spent several weeks mourning him.

But... You cannot control someone else's reaction only your own. I would let him go to football and try to do something nice on your own. Go for a walk in the woods and just spend some time reflecting. We all deal with death differently.

Glad to hear your dog went peacefully...

Stardustnight · 21/02/2015 08:27

You know,when you have lost someone or something you love, there is nothing, NOTHING more callous than people thinking they know how you feel because of your actions.

I'm sorry for your obvious distress OP but unusually I will add the V - YABVU - people deal with loss in their way. Let him get on with it while you do the same.

wigglesrock · 21/02/2015 08:33

I think YAB a bit U to be honest. I've been in exactly your position. I brought my dog to the vet 18 months ago to be put down. She was 13, we had her before we had kids, she was an absolute life line to me in some very hard times. It was a very hard decision and we knew it had to be made. We had known for about a week or so before it happened. But it was the right decision, it was the one thing we could do for her, the kids cried when I told them, my husband was upset and so was I but the next day we stuck to our plans.
He went to work, I did the shopping, the kids watched TV. I caught my breath a couple of times when I realised that I wouldn't see her clipping about the kitchen, sneaking food from the kids but I still met up with a friend and went out that night.

kitchentableagain · 21/02/2015 08:33

Hypothesis: your dh does not feel it is manly or helpful for him to show visible grief about the dog. He is "carrying on" and "being strong" for you and the kids. He feels unhappy in the sad atmosphere in your house and is going out so he doesn't flounder and be "weak" and get upset about his dog being dead and him not even getting a chance to say goodbye.

Lots of men have been trained from early childhood to act like this. You could try talking to him (i know, revolutionary!) about it. You could also point out to him that his kids will be pretty upset too and him acting like nothing has happened teaches them nothing about healthily expressing and processing grief. Equally you need to recognise that most of your anger is about your dog being dead and not about your DH.

Sorry for your loss OP. It's ten years since I last lost a dog but I still think of him most days.

Purplehonesty · 21/02/2015 08:35

Oh I'm sorry op. When our dog was put down at Christmas dh was much more upset that I would have thought, but nowhere near as much as me.
I kept bursting into tears for days and the dc kept asking where she was which made it worse.
But I didn't expect dh to be like that, so perhaps most men don't mourn animals outwardly and just get on with it.
I agree he should have stayed with you though as you were upset.

Petradreaming · 21/02/2015 08:36

It is utterly wretched when an animal dies. I am so sorry for your loss. My DH and I reacted completely differently each time it has happened. When my horse was PTS I stayed in bed for a week. When the dog died, I was more accepting but DH is still very upset. Grief takes us in different ways. Your dog had a long life and you sound like a lovely animal person. Read Rainbow Bridge. Xxx

whattheseithakasmean · 21/02/2015 08:42

YABVVVVU. We all grieve in our own ways and you don't get to dictate how someone else 'should' do it.

Those aweeping and awailing are not necessarily the ones feeling the deepest and suffering the most.

Personally, I think huge displays of grief are a bit shallow and assume people who indulge in them don't feel as strongly and deeply as me. But I know that is unreasonable of me. But perhaps your DH is thinking the same about you - that you are being self indulgent and he is the only one who really feels deeply an he just has to keep pushing through the loss in order to survive.

Think on, and try being kind to each other.

chimchimini · 21/02/2015 08:44

This is an interesting one as it shows how differently we all deal with grief. We had our (very much loved) dog put down a few years ago. We'd had years of lovely walks with that dog. DH was utterly bereft. He had a good cry, some damp eye moments over the following weeks. I loved that dog, I didn't cry. I didn't cry when I lost my parent either.

You think your husband is being selfish and unfeeling. Perhaps you are being selfish expecting him to react in the same way as you?

For what it's worth your huge display of grief (walking around the house clutching his collar) would make me very uncomfortable. That's not a judgement on you, just showing how different we all are.

treaclesoda · 21/02/2015 08:46

Kitchen you can't be sure that her DH is putting on a huge front. Maybe he genuinely doesn't feel like crying and publicly mourning over the loss of a dog. I know I never have. That's not to say I didn't feel sad, I did. But it just didn't affect me in that way. Maybe OP's dh is the same.

Sorry about your dog OP.

fishfingerSarnies · 21/02/2015 08:49

So sorry for your loss, also don't forget that anger is part of the grieving process, I'm sure your dh is hurting too but try not to focus on how he's suffering, just get yourself through it have a cuddle and a chat about how you're feeling tonight in bed or something. Try not to be angry at him though.

flyinghogfish · 21/02/2015 09:02

Sorry for your loss xx

kitchentableagain · 21/02/2015 10:42

That's true treacle it was just that the OP said before that he helped choose and did love the dog.

When we put our dog down (he was 13 but a large breed and in the end stages of kidney failure) I went with him to the vet and held him to the end and whispered to him what a good boy her was. I'm tearing up remembering and it was a decade ago.

Anyway I came home numb and tearless, sort of in the stunned quiet before I got actually upset about it, and my sister, seeing my nod hysterically sobbing like she was, said I wasn't bothered that I'd murdered him. So I suppose I tend to assume grief even if it's not obvious.

But then when the budgie died, even though I was the one who cared for it, I felt vaguely sad for a day, buried it under the nicest tree in the garden and then promptly stopped thinking about it.

So, yeah, it could be either.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/02/2015 10:56

I'm sorry about your beloved dog. It's so sad when we lose them.

I think that you're being unreasonable about your husband's grief though, he doesn't need to display it to you or for you. It was the family dog and he loved him too. The fact that he needs distraction rather than being at home isn't surprising, not to me anyway. I was away for a week with work the last time we lost our dog and I could have cancelled/rearranged but didn't. Distraction works the best for me too.

In the nicest way, it's not your husband's responsibility to mop your tears or grieve with you. He has the right to do that alone.

So, back to you. What would work best for you? Walks that you took your dog on to remember happier times? Getting photos of him into a frame that you can look at?

WilburIsSomePig · 21/02/2015 10:59

Aw poor you, it's horrible losing your dog. But i do think yab a bit u. When our beloved dog goes i know I will be absolutely devastated and DH will be to but we will react very differently. He didn't cry when his own dad died though I sobbed my heart out, though I know he was heartbroken.

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