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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Apparently I don't know how to be a mother

28 replies

zeezeek · 20/02/2015 18:15

Was talking to my oldest friend today - someone who has known me for over 40 years but who I don't speak to often as we live a long way from each other and life tends to get in the way. As she has been around my family when we were growing up, she knows the problems that my brother and I had with our mother...namely that she is completely self-obsessed an narcissistic, likes playing the martyr and is totally unsympathetic to anyone who is having problems. I could go on!

Anyway, was talking to this friend about some work that I've got coming up that will take me to France and then Italy for several weeks and she asks what will happen to the girls when I'm away - so I said that DH will look after them as he's retired now and home most of the time and enjoys being a SAHD and reminded her that he looked after them alone for 3 months last year when I was in New York so could easily manage for a few weeks. She then completely turned on me an accused me of being a bad mother and not being emotionally attached to my DC and then went onto say that she's not surprised and doesn't blame me because how could I actually know what it's like to be a mother when I had mine.

I was outraged, but now, thinking about it, I'm wondering if she's right. To be brutally honest my mother was never a "mother" to me and so I don't really have that experience of being a daughter and doing mother and daughter things. TO this day we have never done things like go out together for the day or spend time together alone. So when I hear about mothers doing things like that with their daughters I kind of feel envious. And, because I had the girls late and because I had this experience myself, I always made a point of making sure that I was a different mother to mine. I often ask myself "what would my mother do" in a situation and then do the opposite. But I guess it isn'''t working and maybe I am emotionally detached and repeating her mistakes because I'm putting my career first (she hated being at home and so put us in boarding school at 8y so she could return to work) and leaving everything to their father (who is fab btw). But I know that, like my mother, I would resent them if I stayed at home so the life that we have seems the ideal to me - the girls are close to both of us and I intend on doing all the mother-daughter things that I never got to do and they don't seem damaged by me....I just don't want the relationship with them to be like the one I have with my mother....which is a non-relationship really.

OP posts:

PekeandPollicle · 20/02/2015 18:19

That is a phenomenally bitchy thing for your friend to say.

I think the fact that you are aware of your mother's lack of example and consciously try to do the opposite means that you have more of an
Idea of how to be a mother than many people. Also, just being aware of your limitations and trying to do better is so important.

Please don't worry about what she said, but give your friend (a lot) of distance because she isn't really a friend to you.

MooMaid · 20/02/2015 18:25

Wow how awful - not everyones set-up is the same and I think your friend has no right commenting on your family when she's not around that much and so can't see how you actually interact with your children.

How is your relationship with them when you are at home? Or even when you're away - do you contact them and keep up to date with what they're doing? Look at how you interact with them and if it's different, well, stop doubting yourself.

I would also distance from the friend because, quite frankly, I'd be hurt by her ill-informed comments

Charitybelle · 20/02/2015 18:27

Regardless of your upbringing or how you parent your children (which sounds fine btw) it's the attitude of a 'friend' who would attack you with something so obviously personal and hurtful to you that would be my concern. If she is really your friend and worried about you then she could find a million different ways to broach it helpfully with you. I suspect it's bollocks, she's a bitch, and she's using your Achilles heel of your childhood/poor relationship with your own mother to hurt you. Why - I have no idea, maybe you would have more idea. But she doesn't sound like much if a friend to me....?

MagratsHair · 20/02/2015 18:29

Doesn't sound to me like you are perpetuating your mother, although I can identify certain traits that you may have been influenced by ('I would resent them if I stayed at home' for example).

Having one parent at home & the other at work is the norm for many children today, it just so happens that you work & your DH doesn't so your situation is flipped. That being said, if my DH announced he had to go & work in New York for 3 months one year then again for 'a few weeks' the following year I would not be amused & would be having strong words about being joint parents the whole year, not just for 3/4 of a year.

I would be taking notice of the childrens' reactions upon your leaving & returning, & that would be important for me.

WorraLiberty · 20/02/2015 18:29

Have you posted about this before?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 20/02/2015 18:30

Some friend. What a bitch. Good mothers come in all shapes and sizes and habits and priorities. I bet if you asked your daughters they would say you are the best mum ever. I work ultra-full time (not with as much travel as you though) and my two girls are NOT suffering from it and I am a great mum. Fuck anyone who tries to say I'm not.

Original poster

zeezeek · 20/02/2015 18:33

When I'm away (and last year was the first time I had been away from them for more than a couple of days since they were born) we skype each other each day. I know what's going on in their lives and as far as I can make out they seem pleased to spend time with me and are always telling me they love me (as I do them). The only thing I refuse to do with them is cook and that's because I'm completely precious about my kitchen and am aware that's unreasonable!

I do doubt myself because, actually, I'm being fed poison by my mother about how awful I am on a regular basis.

What pisses me off about this woman though is that I confided in her about a lot of really personal things (ie my relationship with my parents) many years ago and, ironically, her DH is in the Navy and away for months at a time!!

OP posts:

Original poster

zeezeek · 20/02/2015 18:33

I do doubt myself because, actually, I'm being fed poison by my mother about how awful I am on a regular basis.

OP posts:

rosepetalsoup · 20/02/2015 18:33

What an arse your friend is! And how sexist! She'd never say that to a man going on a business trip.

Tell her next time you're fine at mothering thanks, the only problem is she doesn't know how to be a supportive friend.

geekymommy · 20/02/2015 18:34

Not just bitchy, but possibly sexist. Would she have said the same thing to a man whose work took him away from his kids for a few weeks? I suspect not.

Somebody has to have a career to support the family, unless you are lottery winners or something. If your husband is retired and a SAHD, it isn't him, unless he's got a very good pension. That leaves one other choice.

Are your daughters glad to see you when you come back from trips? Are they healthy, happy, and doing OK in school? If they are, then you're doing well enough as a mother.

duplodon · 20/02/2015 18:35

She is not your friend.

Original poster

zeezeek · 20/02/2015 18:35

WorraLiberty - no I haven't about this, but I think I did about leaving them whilst working away last year.

OP posts:

LikeABadSethRogenMovie · 20/02/2015 18:37

Do your kids think you are a good mum? That's all that really matters, not the opinion of a so called friend.

The armed forces, oil rigs, businesses etc etc are full of parents, away for weeks and months at a time, all doing their best for their families. Just like you. If it was your DH who had to be away, would your friend consider them a terrible father?

MagratsHair · 20/02/2015 18:37

I hate cooking with my DS's, such a mess! :)

Have you considered taking a step back from your mother...?

Gruntfuttock · 20/02/2015 18:38

Just out of curiosity, how old are your daughters?

ilovechristmas1 · 20/02/2015 18:38

op your mother sounds like mine and i do what you do,find it sad when i here of shopping trips mother and daughter etc and have tried to do the oppossite regarding parenting to what my mother did,you are not alone

your friend seems very insensitive and cruel saying that,how wonderful that your DP can care for your family and enjoy his time with them,thus giving you peace of mind that they are being very well looked after while your away

it sounds a good set up,do what works for your family,and put the friends comments down to little experience of how your family works

Nolim · 20/02/2015 18:39

So your "friend" thinks that a good mother wouldnt let dc in the care of their father who is a perfectly responsible person?????

She is an idiot.

Nanny0gg · 20/02/2015 18:40

The only thing I refuse to do with them is cook and that's because I'm completely precious about my kitchen and am aware that's unreasonable!

Is it? I was a SAHM for years and I've never cooked with my children.

It is not part of the criteria for being a 'good' (whatever that is) parent.

I doubt you have any need to worry (except about your taste in friends!)

Quitelikely · 20/02/2015 18:40

Could she be jealous of you? Sounds like it. You sound like a great mother to me.

rinabean · 20/02/2015 18:40

It was so spiteful of her to say that. Several weeks with their dad who they live with normally is absolutely fine. I have to admit I thought 3 months was a long time but that's not even what she had the problem with?? I don't think you're as cold as your mother. I think when we are aware of the failings of our parents we're less likely to repeat them. And especially if we're willing to admit we're not perfect and can make mistakes. Few people hold grudges against their parents for something the parents are willing to be sorry about, you know? So I wouldn't worry too much. Don't listen to your mother either! Who is she to talk!

geekymommy · 20/02/2015 18:43

What a sexist cow. (Hope I used that word right, I'm American...)

MisForMumNotMaid · 20/02/2015 18:44

If something has touched a nerve whether said by a friend or someone trying to provoke a reaction/ being jealous, the reason its touched a nerve is something thats entirely in your control to resolve.

Question why you feel threatened/ upset by it. However it was meant let it make you stronger. If you feel you should be having mother daughter days then maybe thats something you consciously schedule at some point. Do something you enjoy for it too. Not what anyone would expect you to, what you'd enjoy. If you don't want to cook at home you could always do a chocolate course (easter egg decorating?), cup cakes, spices course or similar so you get the fun without any resultant mess.

Many good ways to parent just because your friend has a different style it doesn't make yours a bad way.

AntiHop · 20/02/2015 18:46

Yanbu. They are being cared for by their other parent. What's the problem? I suspect that she feels bad for her children and feels angry because of their father being away for work and she's displacing her anger onto you.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 20/02/2015 18:50

Is your friend jealous of your career perhaps?

I can't think of another explanation for her attacking your parenting and comparing you to your mother, which she must know is the worst thing you can do to the child of a narcissist.

Op, I am a sahp like your dh, and if I thought dh working away was affecting his relationship with his kids, I would tell him. I love him and I love our children and I wouldn't let any harm come to their relationship if I could help it.

If your dh, who spends all his time with your dd's, doesn't think you are a bad mum I don't think you need parenting advice from your distant ex friend.

zzzzz · 20/02/2015 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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