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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my friend treats me disrespectfully?

24 replies

HopeWasLeftInside · 20/02/2015 18:08

Three times in a row when we are suppose to be going on a night out she has been completely un-contactable (real word I promise).

I will send her a text or call and she ignores it and won't get back to me until the very last minute - always with an excuse. Once it was that she had lost her phone (despite me seeing that she had been on Whatsapp an hour earlier)

It just leaves me not knowing what to do, are we still going out? Should I start getting ready?

Tomorrow we are going to a friends birthday, I don't know many people there so I text friend to ask if she was going yesterday and she still hasn't bothered to reply. I know it will be the exact same thing.

Thing is aside from that she's an amazing friend, we have such a laugh together and I can tell her anything.

I know she wants to stay friends because I've called her out on this recently and said lets not be friends anymore and she said she still wants to be friends and she sees me as one of her best and closest friend.

She just seemed so baffled that this would upset me.

Is it disrespectful or am I over-thinking?

OP posts:
Paddleslowly · 20/02/2015 18:12

She wants to be friends on her terms only and when she is ready. This type of friendship can be hard work and draining. Have one last word if it falls on deaf ears, I would move on to a two sided friendship elsewhere

SonnyJimBob · 20/02/2015 18:17

It's also possible that she has social anxiety, a social phobia of some kind etc. It's hard to always be understanding in these situations, but I wouldn't necessarily write her off completely.

Raise the issue again and try to see what the problem could actually be. In the meantime don't invite her to anything else, so you won't be disappointed.

treaclesoda · 20/02/2015 18:17

It's totally disrespectful. She wants to be your friend when she has no better options. I wouldn't call her out on it, or make a drama of it, but I would find some nicer friends and arrange to go out with them instead. If she queries why you are going out without her you can act surprised and say 'but you've been giving me the cold shoulder, I assumed you didn't want to go out with me' or something along those lines. Actions speak louder than words and her actions way that she isn't really your friend. Sorry.

treaclesoda · 20/02/2015 18:19

Oh, well, if she has social anxiety that is different, but if I would expect some honesty from her in that case, instead of just blanking the OP.

Original poster
HopeWasLeftInside · 20/02/2015 18:22

It's also possible that she has social anxiety

She doesn't in the slightest. Seriously.

I don't want this thread to get derailed with it being excused because she has social anxiety. Because she 100% doesn't.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 20/02/2015 18:25

It's completely disrespectful.

Will you have to pay for a babysitter tomorrow night?

If so, I'd cancel the babysitter and have a night in.

If not, I'd send her a message saying "Text me by 7pm to confirm you're going, otherwise I won't be going." And stick to it.

RedSoloCup · 20/02/2015 18:26

Could it be to do with her OH as I have a friend like this, she doesn't tell him and then does at the last min and he gets the hump so then she doesn't come, I always tell mine when I arrange something then he gets the hump but I still go....

Lilicat1013 · 20/02/2015 18:26

I have social anxiety, I hate meeting up with people, even people I know well and really like. I obsess over all the things that will go wrong or ways it will be difficult/stressful.

I do tend to cancel things but I try not to mess people around, I wouldn't leave it to the last minute or do it twice in a row.

If someone specifically asked me about it I would try to explain but it is hard to explain why you find meeting up with them stressful without it looking like you are trying to say they have done something wrong. I am the problem but it is hard to explain that, I would be worried they would think I didn't like something about them.

I would try to explain though because it is better than being thought of as rude and thoughtless.

Is she sociable in general? I am not, I don't go out much and if I do it is generally on my own. If she is generally sociable it probably isn't social anxiety. You could ask her if there is any reason she is unreliable.

Lilicat1013 · 20/02/2015 18:27

Sorry, cross posted. In this case it seems she is just being rude.

diddl · 20/02/2015 18:28

If ypu've talked to her about it & nothing has changed then she only wants to be friends on her terms by the sounds of things.

I'd write tonight off & be prepared to go out without her tomorrow.

If she comes round ready to go out, tell her no answer from her so you assumed no night out & send her home!

Original poster
HopeWasLeftInside · 20/02/2015 18:31

Could it be to do with her OH as I have a friend like this

She's single and has no children either.

If so, I'd cancel the babysitter and have a night in

I won't have to book a babysitter and it's for a mutual friends birthday so I'll still definitely go. It's just daunting because I won't know a whole lot there.

OP posts:
feebeecat · 20/02/2015 18:31

I have a friend who does this too. Last time I got her "I'm sorry, can't make X" I replied that I already knew that & was going to Y/with someone else".
She was very ticked, but oddly not done it since. Don't let her keep getting away with it.

Original poster
HopeWasLeftInside · 20/02/2015 18:33

Don't let her keep getting away with it.

I'm not going to text or call her again about tomorrow night. If she doesn't text back then fuck it - I'll still go.

Won't be arranging another night out with her though.

OP posts:
laughingmyarseoff · 20/02/2015 18:49

She likes the 'chase'. Some people like to think of themselves as being the center or in demand and this is one way or ensuring it, my ex used to play this game all the time.

Best thing is to not play the game like you plan to, just go and enjoy yourself- ignore her lack of communication and focus on people who will put the effort in as you do.

DancingHat · 20/02/2015 18:54

Nice one feebee (genuinely not sarcastic). You called her out in being flakey which I think is an excellent way of showing your friend how often she must have done this to you that it's become expected.

Hope is there anyway you could say 'oh I knew you'd say that so have arranged to go with X' to show her how you feel?

SonnyJimBob · 20/02/2015 18:55

Well if there's absolutely nothing wrong with her and you know that for a fact, you're wasting time asking a question uou have all the answers to.

She doesn't want to go out with you - ever by the sound of it. End the friendship.

blankgaze · 20/02/2015 19:34

Sounds as if she may be cutting contact with you prior to the arranged event in the hope that a better offer for her comes along.

If it does, she'll drop you like a hot stone at the last minute, if not, she'll tag along with you for the original planned outing.

maggiethemagpie · 20/02/2015 19:50

I had a friend who kept cancelling on me at the last minute - always with a different excuse. When it happened for the fourth time in a row, I phoned her up demanding an explanation. We haven't spoken since and to my surprise I don't even miss her. I regret not finishing it sooner!

Cut loose, you won't regret it and it can only be good for your self esteem to get rid of her.

If she's a true friend she'll change her behaviour. But she hadn't yet so seems unlikely.

5dogsgoswimming · 20/02/2015 19:57

Is husband or partner stopping her going out? Guilting her about money?
Or it could be a confidence thing

feebeecat · 20/02/2015 20:45

Thanks Dancing
I have known her forever & I think once she got over her shock she realised she didn't have a leg to stand on Grin
I just spent too long letting her get away with it.
OP, don't contact her again, go tomorrow & have an excellent night - with or without her.

Original poster
HopeWasLeftInside · 20/02/2015 20:50

Is husband or partner stopping her going out? Guilting her about money?
Or it could be a confidence thing

Already said no husband or boyfriend.

Already said not a confidence thing.

OP posts:
rembrandtsrockchick · 20/02/2015 21:07

It seems that she is rather careless of her friendship with you. I would just disengage, let her go.

Original poster
HopeWasLeftInside · 20/02/2015 21:57

True. She still hasn't bothered to text back.

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 20/02/2015 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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