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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to make DP a GP appt?

20 replies

Pantone363 · 20/02/2015 10:56

What is it with men refusing to visit the doctor? Is it just my DP?

He's had what looks like a hernia next to his belly button for about a year. He does a very physical and dangerous job and got himself stuck yesterday because in his words "he couldn't push his hernia back in" when it popped out as he had a running chainsaw in one hand and a tree in the other Hmm

I REFUSE to facilitate men acting like kids and I'm not making an appt for him or holding his hand when he's a grown man! He seems to think it will just go away.

There is no reason he can't make an appt for himself other than some ridiculous sense of pride that "he hasn't been to the GP for 15 years"

OP posts:
Greenstone · 20/02/2015 10:58

A hernia that won't go back in is at risk of strangulation. Believe me he doesn't want that to happen. Tell him to cop on and go to gp immediately. Yanbu

abigamarone · 20/02/2015 11:02

In that situation I would facilitate him acting like a kid and drag him to the doctors myself out of sheer concern. Less so if something more minor.

Original poster
Pantone363 · 20/02/2015 11:02

He thinks it's fine because he can just push it back it usually but didn't have a free hand yesterday

I might just google pics of a strangulated hernia and send them to him

OP posts:
Greenstone · 20/02/2015 11:06

Well you can only do so much. If it does strangulate he will be in a lot of pain and will prob need surgery. You can inform him of this and say you won't wait on him hand and foot if this does occur. Then just try to step back....

WrappedInABlankie · 20/02/2015 11:16

YNbu!! It's a pet hate of mine! DP for a year has been going deaf on and off. Then when it strikes all he does is moan he can't hear. Time and time again I've told him to buy some ear wax softener then go to the GP for a syringing does he know. A year later he buys the stuff then doesn't use it as his mum did it when he was 5! and it burnt! Hmm

Finally two Thursdays ago he went it was that hard he had to olive oil it for a couple of weeks last week he went back and was still to hard. yesterday he went back and they could only do one ear as the other was still to hard Confused he still moans about it. I have No Sympathy if he went last year he wouldn't be in this mess Hmm

Babiecakes11 · 20/02/2015 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary · 20/02/2015 11:37

It's annoying he won't make the appointment. But in this case his health could be in danger so just phone up yourself. There's a time to make a stand and a time just to do what's necessary.

MrsTawdry · 20/02/2015 11:39

Just do it for God's sake. Surely he does things for you? I make my DH's appointments because he's at work all day....doing a physical job...on his breaks he just eats madly for 20 minutes and goes back to it.

When he gets home he's knackered and sits dumb for about an hour.

He does stuff for me. Why would I not help him?

WrappedInABlankie · 20/02/2015 11:47

My DP works 8-10pm 6 days a week he can still make a gp appointment.

He can use Hands free in the car on the way there or back from work it's no extra hassle at all

Greenstone · 20/02/2015 11:50

But I'm sure op would be fine if her DP asked her to make an appointment due to lack of time to do it himself. Don't think that's the issue here. We all have to take responsibility for our own health.

ChipDip · 20/02/2015 11:52

You won't get a medal for pulling the 'why should I' line. Fgs just make the appointment and have a discussion about it afterwards.

squareheadcut · 20/02/2015 11:54

Just make him an appointment and hold his hand taking him there. Most men are the same. This is why married men live longer.

SoonToBeSix · 20/02/2015 11:58

Yabu, and the immature one.

BarbarianMum · 20/02/2015 12:03

^^Ouch, that's way too harsh.

OP I have forced my dh to phone the GP on several occasions as he's quite nice and I would prefer to have him around in old age. I shouldn't have to but I do. He looks after me in other ways.

fuddleduck · 20/02/2015 12:04

I completely understand your frustration.

Heart disease runs in DH's family, his Dad has it, his Dad before him died very young from a heart attack as did his Dad before him etc.
Last night, just as we were about to go to bed DH informs me ever so casually that he has been having chest pains on and off for the past four days. I tell him he needs to get himself checked out and he says he will "if it gets worse". His Dad had mild chest pains on and off for a few days but didn't tell anyone and ended up collapsing and being bluelighted to hospital having had a heart attack so he really should know better.

Eventually, I badgered him into agreeing to rig the GP first thing this morning and they can't get him in until Monday. I know it could be nothing, but if he hadn't been so stubborn and ignored the pain for days it could have been dealt with by now. As it is, I'm going to spend the weekend fretting that he's about to keel over any second Angry

I know i'm not his Mum and I shouldn't have to nag him, ring the doctor for him but I will do these things purely because I'm worried that one of these days something will be really wrong and he'll just bury his head in the sand. I think a lot of it is that he worries about having time off work for appointments (he works a 2 hour drive away so not like he can pop out in his lunch break) as he works in quite a high pressure, all male environment and there is this expectation that you just get on with it. That doesn't make it right though.

BarbarianMum · 20/02/2015 12:05

So, to give an example, I am glad he doesn't think that performing spider removal services is 'facilitating me to act like a kid'. Even though this is undoubtably true.

nobutreally · 20/02/2015 12:10

I was ill a couple of months ago and kept saying I was sure it would sort itself out - dh made an appointment for me as he was concerned. I've made appts for him in the past when he's clearly been avoiding things!

People don't make doc's appts for all sorts of (illogical) reasons - with something serious, my feminist principles (quite strong) would take a second fiddle to making sure someone I loved was getting what they needed. Even if it pissed me off.

And yes - men are generally slower to make doctors appointments, and leave things until it's later than they should do - it's one of those cultural expectations. Just not true in my case

specialsubject · 20/02/2015 12:10

he uses a chainsaw for a living and isn't fully aware of how he needs to look after himself? If he's up a tree with that chainsaw and gets a sudden problem...well, I hope the fall arrest kit is working!

tell him to grow up and make an appointment. A hernia can be fixed. A missing leg or broken back is more difficult.

Greenstone · 20/02/2015 12:40

Oh I think it's completely normal for spouses to badger each other to make appointments when something's clearly wrong. I get that. I will certainly nag/encourage dh when he clearly needs to go. But I won't go as far as making the appointment for him. That's just too much for me. If we've discussed the seriousness of it at length, then in our house it's up to the adult in question to make the gp appointment (or, yes, ask nicely for the other to do it if they're caught up with work or something). I think the issue is that the DP won't agree to go at all.

Fairenuff · 20/02/2015 12:53

I wouldn't want someone else making appointments for me if I hadn't asked them to. It obviously isn't bothering him that much and when it does he will do something about it.

Ok to express your concern but other than that I'm with you OP. He doesn't need you to baby him.

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