To feel like my mum is being a bit of a snob over secondhand clothes?

[toomuchtooold]

I live abroad with DH and DT toddlers, and my mum has been quite helpful about letting us get stuff delivered to her house that we can't get sent here. She's coming over at Easter and said she was happy with me ordering some little bits and pieces and she will bring them over. We're talking a handful of t-shirts and dresses, therefore don't think it's an issue about the weight/faff.

Yesterday I phoned her and there were two ebay bundles at her house, having been delivered during the week. I was all excited, like let's open them now, but she was really reluctant, and then she went through everything saying they weren't very nice, "I didn't think you would want something like that for the girls", "oh no, you can tell that one is second hand", "if that was mine I would just put it in the bin." I said to her (in a nice way, not a "OK then be like that" way) to just recycle them if she thought they were no good but I'm a bit pissed off as I feel like I've been not so subtly shamed for dressing my kids in second hand clothes. AIBU to think if she didn't like it she should have said before she agreed to keep the packages for me/minded her own business?

I wouldn't of let her open them. I get eBay bundles all the time. Sometimes I am a bit disappointed but other times I'm so pleased with the clothes. It works out so much cheaper. I sell them on of they're still in good condition too. You win some you loose some. I don't think you're being unreasonable. But I don't think you should let her open them in future if you don't like her reaction/opinion.

If your don't like hearing her comments then don't have them delivered to her.

Lots don't like second hand clothes. I am very happy to pass on but don't like second hand myself. Up to the individual, either way is not wrong.

No, I know, in future I'll just get them sent to my house, means I can only do ones that do international delivery/are local (and more expensive) so not such a money saver. It's a pity! I thought it would be quite cool. My mum always wants to be involved in stuff with the kids, and last year when I got them a big bundle it was tremendous fun because they went through the box and picked out all the stuff they liked and half of it I'd never have thought of buying. The kids don't know about money etc, about who paid for what, so I thought it would be cool when she turned up with half their new summer wardrobe. Oh well.

Actually the more I think about it the more irritated I am. She's seen me putting stuff together to sell on ebay, clothes, high chairs, the whole lot of their baby equipment went on ebay (all the sleeping bags! ebay was like a sleeping bag lending library for us), and she was always quite positive about that. It's OK for us to sell the stuff but not to buy? Aargh.

Sorry firefly that last bit of my post wasn't directed at you, I cross posted.

Perhaps they really were skanky though...

She sounds really mean! So she opened things she knew you had chosen to buy and paid for, and were excited about getting, and said "I'd put this straight in the bin"? That's horrible! Even if she didn't like the stuff I'd have expected her to keep her mouth shut or at least be a bit nicer about it. So all the stuff you bought has been thrown away now. Great! Thanks mum

Sorry OP that was shit really wasn't it.

Is there no equivalent of ebay in the country that you are living?

Your mum could be being a bit of a snob, but it's equally possible that this is a bundle of tatty clothes complete with stains, unravelled hems and holes. In which case your mum has a point. And it would be a bit silly for her to lug them through an airport for you to throw away. Without seeing the clothes it's not possible to tell who is being unreasonable.

And I say this as someone who dressed her children almost exclusively in charity shop purchases.

It could indeed be that they were tatty, rather than them being in good condition and your mum being snobby about them.

They looked quite good in the photo! And she did also say (sorry, drip feeding, I know) "your granny used to buy clothes like this and I never liked it." I guess not off ebay

Pilchard, there is ebay here, but it's just a lot more expensive. With the exchange rate what it is just now I'd be cheaper buying new from the UK and getting it delivered.

I'd just cut your mum out of the equation then and write it off to experience.

Shame.

It is a pity... still, I can see a nice sideline in buying UK clothes for the girls and then selling them here on ebay where they will do quite well...

Thing is, op, it could be a really bad batch. I wouldn't get too upset about what your mum said until I had seen the clothes myself.

I've bought clothes off ebay over the years, and some of the items that looked wonderful in the photos were in an absolutely disgraceful state.

Could you maybe ask her to take some photos of the items individually and email them to you? Maybe more candid images might help?

It might be insecurity on her part?

I know my own mother would think (though never say aloud) the same, and is also terribly uptight about things like looking 'dirty' in public (even in obviously self-explanatory situations, like returning from a muddy hillwalk, obviously wearing walking boots and a rucksack).

It's entirely down to a very deprived childhood, where people talked openly about her family's poverty, and her own mother half-starved the children in order to afford 'respectable' clothes for church. As a result, she's fascinated by (but doesn't understand) more socially confident people, who boast about their jumble sale bargains or let their children get muddy. She must have told me forty times about an old friend who was open about her daughter buying a secondhand wedding dress, and I could see her checking my expression each time to see whether this was 'ok'.

your granny used to buy clothes like this and I never liked it.
that is the most important line, all our clothes as kids came from jumble sales, and i remember hating it.
But with ebay the clothes are much nicer, and i bet your kids have some new going out clothes as well (unlike us as kids)

Yes I think you guys are right, it probably is stemming from childhood, as my mum comes from a big family and there was never much money. My childhood life was full of fairly expensive furniture and clothes that were to be looked after, which was a nightmare, as I'm quite clumsy. It was like living in a minefield... now I think of it, I remember when I was about 15 and we got a new living room carpet and my mum dropped the iron on it and burned a big hole in it. When we came in in the evening my mum was all like "I have something terrible to show you" and when we saw the iron-shaped absence of carpet on the carpet me and my dad were like "high five!" and my mum was really pissed off at the reaction till we explained we'd been going around on tiptoe trying not to spill anything on the bloody thing, so it was a relief to see it christened...

I thought she'd be over it, I really did. I suspect I've been a bit of a disappointment through the years, I had a small wedding and a secondhand wedding dress, I never dress up except for work, I am actually right now wearing a shirt with a hole in it...

I was going to say that is probably a childhood thing too, so I think the above is so right!

My mum is a proper snob about many things like this, and it's not very likeable. But I know that she never liked that she was brought up in second hand and hand me downs so it's just made her think about it in a different way. It rubbed off on me until I got old enough to realise for myself that second hand bargains are a brilliant thing no matter how much money you have.

second hand bargains are a brilliant thing no matter how much money you have

i think it makes a huge difference between:
for my daughters birthday i bought her party dresses from ebay so i bought her 5 (they were sooo cheap and it all cost less than 1 from monsoon (which one of them was)).
and
all my clothes are second hand and i still only have 2 outfits neither are honestly fit to be seen in, i am a teenager and they are soo out of fashion all last years style how could i go out in THAT.

People who hate second hand usually grew up in the second option. Lucky for me as a teenager i went "alternative" so charity shop clothes were my style and not a huge embarressment (unlike my sister).

It's a class thing too, to an extent, isn't it? There's a certain middle- and upper-middle-class cachet to circulating well-worn good-quality old Boden via NCT sales and the like - long before I had a child, I remember a distinctive pair of stripy dungarees doing the rounds of my friend's NCT group for years - but in my experience, if money isn't a pressing concern, working-class and lower-middle-class people are far more likely to buy new clothes for their children.

Personally, I'm always slightly in awe of people who know their way around, and have time and commitment for, ebay bargain-hunting.

My mum's the same. She grew up in a large family, post-war and her clothes were always homemade or hand me downs. She hates that I buy my kids only second hand, Ebay, jumble sale or charity shop clothes.

I,

I find this thread really interesting.

I'm a big second-hander - not just clothes - everything. Just today for example I picked up a Brabantia bread bin and a paperback book from Oxfam (Only £2.99 for the bread bin! Bargain!)

But I get this love of the second hand from my parents, primarily my father but my mother isn't averse at all.

When I was a child we were reasonably well-off, but things like washing machines and dishwashers were always secondhand, and they had no qualms about accepting hand me down clothes for us. Most of my childhood was in second hand stuff, and it never bothered me.

(Although my mum's favourite tale is when I shamed them both at a family Christmas party and I showed everyone my brand new Mickey Mouse pajamas and told everyone "Look! They're BRAND NEW! No one has ever been inside them!" I was 5)

They're both from quite poor, working class backgrounds, and have kept the mentality of repairing, making do and mend. This isn't the case so much anymore as they've got older - Mum is more likely to buy a new appliance or car, rather than a used one for fear of things breaking down / wearing out and she wants an easy life now. I will still search eBay and Gumtree if it's something simple she wants though, such as garden chairs or a mirror. She was recently over the moon at the beautiful set of Stag dining chairs I got on eBay for £6.50

I sometimes think there's an inverted snobbery with turning noses up at second hand - not always by any means, but sometimes there's a detectable chip on the shoulder about it. One of my friends is like this, from a family with a very similar background and upbringing to mine - she's both awed and disgusted by the fact that 95% of my possessions are second hand, and as a result, I can afford nicer things than she can. Meile washing machine, Gaggia coffee maker, Kurt Geiger shoes, Brabantia bin, Le Cruset pans, Denby crockery... the list is endless. I would never ever pay the cost of such things new, but I can second hand. For me it's a no brainer!

I love love LOVE secondhand clothes. All of my designer label clothes are from eBay, I'd never buy the buggers full price! I've bought loads of 'name' t-shirts, coats etc for my 18 year old from eBay and he has no problem wearing them as they are all in very good condition. He'd rather have 3 good quality 2nd hand items than just the one brand new.

I've had a couple of dodgy ones (looked great in the pics but less so when they arrived) but the vast majority have been brilliant, most have looked new. I think people take better care of the big name brands as they have (a) spent a fortune on them in the first place and (b) know they have a decent resale value.

I'm also a big fan of recycling clothes etc. for environmental reasons.

< currently modelling a beautiful Karen Millen crochet dress bought for £15 on eBay >

My mum used to look down her nose at people (me included) buying from charity shops. fast forward a good few years and rather a lot of the presents she gives us are second hand (not that she would admit it)

As any fule kno, good tweed has to be broken in. Much better to get someone else to pay for the privilege.

Have you actually set eyes on the actual clothes?

Because until you have, do not rule out the possibility that you have been unlucky and some of the things really are tatty and what is going on here is fair comment abiut specifics (not antipathy to concept).