To wonder why some parents find it unnacceptable for others to 'tell off' their child?

[PrawnToast12]

At playgroup last week. There are a group of three mums, who all sit together eating sweets..having to fend off the toddlers who naturally crowd around them..but anyway that's a different story.
They arrived, and one of their daughters flung her personal scooter on the floor and went to play. My two year old then went to play on it. Before I could get there, she took it off him - no problem with this.

A few minutes later, said four year old daughter is pulling the toy pram off my son. The mother was sat behind me but didn't say anything. So I called over 'X was playing with that one, there is another pram over there'

I then hear the mother saying to her friends 'oh well he did try and nick her scooter' in a scornful voice. I pretended not to hear it, because, I guess I am intimidated by them, and didn't want to engage in an argument.

But come on! He didn't try to 'nick' her scooter. Nobody was playing on it, and how is a two year old meant to tell the difference between communal and personal toys in the same vicinity. And even if he did try and snatch something, is that what some parents are advocating? X does it to you, so you do it back?

If my son tries to take toy which another is playing with, I always take it from him, apologise and find something else for him. I am also happy for others to do the same, if I don't see. Providing there is no shouting, and it is an appropriate 'telling off'

I have since found out that this lady is a parent supporter - in which case I don't think she should be acting like this.

WIBU at playgroup?

Maybe you need to be physically closer to your child, shouting across a crowded hall is a bit cringey.

The other mum has forgotten what 2 year olds are like though!

It wasn't across a crowded hall...I was probably approx. a metre away. Sorry I think my use of 'called over' has confused that.

My son took a ball pit ball off a boy his own age (they are both 18mos) so his mom came over with his older sister and they started pelting my son with balls.

Some people just haven't grown up themselves.

No one ever really likes to see another parent tell off their child though. It's different in school as a teacher had authority over all the children but amongst parents it's not the best idea.

This is why I avoided playgroups like the plague.

Also try age mix is wierd. Why is a 4 year old at playgroup and not school or pre school? Sounds too old to be there to me.

Oh wow Royalsighness! Speechless.

I think some people view their children as extensions of their own ego rather than separate individuals, and hence take it personally when someone reprimands their child.

op - you said that your DS doesn't know the difference between the other child's scooter and communal (which is understandable) - but you do so why did you allow him to play on it?

So can someone help me with what you are supposed to do in that situation? If you are not meant to say no to someone else's child, do people just allow their own children to be snatched from etc? Should I have just allowed the girl to take it off my son? I'm unfamiliar.

All I know is that if I didn't see that my son had snatched off another child, I would be happy for another adult to tell him. Is that unusual then?

Re age mix - its the only playgroup I have been to and there is a mix of ages - its 0-5

That's nonsense love. I have no problem with others at playgroup telling off my two. They're proabably more likely to listen We all do it, whoever is closest to the situation. Would you seriously sit there and let a child get hurt because it's not your child? A simple "no, we don't climb/hit/snatch. Why don't you play with this?" is all it needs surely?

I think sometimes it is because the other parent tells off for something that wouldn't be seen as a huge misdemeanour by the child's actual parent, sometimes it is the way the other parent does it.

The one time I got pretty cross was when another mother told off my son for not saying thankyou when given a toy at a toddler group - he is globally delayed and non verbal, so having some woman poking her face in and demanding he say thankyou was frankly annoying!

Depends how its done, i.suppose noone likes their kid being told off

He ran off towards the scooter, I got up to get him off it, and the mum had been hanging her coat up so was literally right next to him so obviously quicker to do so.

I made sure that I said it in a friendly voice, and also pointed out another one she could play with too.

Its a tough one OP - I do this really pass agg thing where I say to my child "yes, I know you were playing with that but this little girl really really wants it. Would you like this other pram?". But loud enough for the Mum to hear. I hate myself reading that back. But I wouldn't like another adult telling my DC off - the only exception being if they are in danger.

prawn I'm too cowardly to tell off other people's kids so I end up doing this really passive aggressive thing where I lead mine away telling them loudly that the little kid is being rude because their parent is being lazy and not watching them.
I find it's almost never worth addressing directly. The people who're emotionally mature enough to know when their kid is in need of some, er, reinforcement of boundaries, are usually also the ones who can be bothered supervising their own children.*

*Except me. I don't mind if you tell off my kid, but I have twins, so there's always one trying to drink paint while the other one is telling me something.

I never mind anyone telling mine not to do something DS2 is more likely to listen to someone else

Perhaps she thought you should have acknowledged the attempted scooter 'theft'. I've noticed many parents seem to need this.

I think you did the right thing. I'm one of the helpers at a playgroup and I go with my own daughter. I spend about a quarter of the time telling off other children, or should I say 'gently guiding them to an alternative option'. It's often to do with sharing or slide safety. No one has ever batted an eyelid, and I've been attending groups for nearly 4 years.

If people don't like another adult telling off their DC when an issue arises (I am not talking about shouting, just, you know, 'be careful where you put your feet, there's a baby's head right here' and 'why don't you guys try to share this one' or whatever), that parent should be doing the telling off themselves. If they won't do anything, then I have absolutely no qualms in stepping in myself. it's not personal, it's about guidance and part of teaching kids how to socialise.

I will add that I have a four month old who feeds quite often, so I can't 'helicopter' parent him as much as I would like if I'm trying to get boob out and getting her to latch on. Apart from those situations, I always have my eyes on him and reprimand him accordingly for any pushing/snatching etc. But if I don't see, I am more than happy for other adults to say no,

That's not "telling off" in my view, it's pointing out, nicely, that something is being used and there's another one.

Same as if do for an adult.

"Telling off" I sometimes take exception to as we all have different parenting rules. I take exception to telling my child the can't do something, when in fact it's fine by me. With other people's kids I don't tell off, but I might ask if their mother allows or knows child is doing x.

I do lots of 'oh, this child is playing with that but there's one there' at the park' or playgroup. Mostly to my own dd of course but sometimes others.

Luckily everyone has been nice, children who've taken things have returned them at their own parents' behest, as I ensure dd does. Part of explaining that grabbing is bad behaviour is not allowing your child to be grabbed from, I think.

Yes, it wasn't a telling off. Wrong words there really on my part.

Agree that you didn't 'tell off'. Telling off is 'don't do that / no, that's not ok' etc.

I'd always much rather others intervened, nicely, with dd too. Just saves me chasing her!

In fact I remember was she was a walking one-year-old, trampling a bit too obliviously near babies, saying 'please just knock her over!' Which sounds awful now but, at the falling over a lot anyway stage, it was about enabling her to fall away from, rather than onto a baby.

I agree it depends how it's done. I wouldn't have a problem with you saying what you did to my DD if I hadn't noticed her doing it, but I'd be furious if someone grabbed hold of her, got on her level and properly tried to tell her off.

Some woman at a playgroup did that to try make her share a toy from home that she carried round as a comfort item, and snatched it off her to hand to her own DS. We didn't go back to that one, I was livid with her.

A two year old "nicking" a scooter seems like the most natural thing in the world to me. I wouldn't tell my 2yo off for that, and if the owner isn't interested in using it at the time, I would ask her (on my DC behalf) if s/he can borrow it. If the owner is at all bothered. I find surprising that the mother would even comment on that! On the other hand, regatrding the pram, I would do the dsame as OP and, to be honest, I'd expect the mother to back me up (and viceversa).