....re my birthday?

[HelenThatsHisWilly]

A little bit of a backstory! This will out me but i'm due a namechange soon anyway....

My grandmother (df's mum) is in her mid eighties. She has always been a tough cookie but in the last few years has become very difficult. She has said numerous insensitive things to me and other family members in the past, and is utterly, unbelievably horrible to my lovely gf who has been a loving husband to her for the past 55 years or so. I have distanced myself from her over the last year as whenever I saw her I would leave upset. My sister hasn't seen her for years for this reason.

Next Sunday it is my 30th birthday. My football team are playing on tv and I would love to watch it with df. Football has always been 'our thing' and I have been going to watch our team play with him since I was a little girl. Df sent me a message earlier asking if he and dsm could come over to watch the game with me, dh and dd on Sunday. Fab, I thought, will be a little family gathering on my birthday, so I replies yes. He then messaged me asking if he can bring gm. At this point I called him and said that I would rather not as it's my birthday and I would be on edge the whole time, worried that she'd be nasty. My df said that in that case, he and dsm can't come over as they had already told gm that she could come over to mine with them - he said that they can come over by themselves earlier in the morning.

I've never been that big on birthdays but this is my 30th, and I have been very close to my df since my dd was born last year - so watching the football with him is a bigger deal to me that it sounds. I'm not sobbing into my coffee or anything, but AIBU to feel a bit hurt?

He was trying to trick/guilt trip you into saying yes, otherwise he would have mentioned it when first asking.

YANBU. He's cowtowing to her, but he probably has all his life. Stick to your guns, though, she sounds like a nightmare.

Yes, he never really rocks the boat with her. Guess my feelings are hurt as in this case it affects me negatively.

I'd tell him, for all the good it will do.

It's not really about your birthday is it?

It's more about trying to pressure/guilt you into having an unwelcome house guest.

Has GM always been this way, or could the behaviour be down to dementia/age related? If she's always been a miserable bully than YANBU at all!

santa she has always been a bit like this but it has definitely got worse in the last 2-3 years. Wouldn't be surprised if this was due to her age.

It's a tough one.

She's an old lady. And she's his mother.

Why did he mention to her that he was going to yours??

Would it really spoil your birthday if she was there?

Ugh.

IME people can get really difficult when they get old. Although she does sound worse than most.

Sympathy and happy 30th

No, YANBU.
Nobody should ever invite anybody to someone else's house without checking with them first.

That said, you do have to make allowances for your G'mother's temperament, which may well be due to the onset of dementia. Could you not watch the match together, and arrange to go over there for tea and cake afterwards, or something ?

It's your birthday, you can do anything you want on that day. Don't be guilt tripped into having someone there you don't want.

Hm. It's hard to say without knowing the entire family dynamics. I come from a small and close family and the ethos has always been stick together (though I know that others might not agree with that ethos to the same extent). I see it as my duty to maintain contact with my aunt (who has no family and friends other than her sister (my mum) and my brother and me) even though she can be extremely mean and bullying. Meetings with her are excruciating and make me sad, but without the family she'd be alone, and I think that her meanness comes from some inner unhappiness, so I lump it. I could never exclude a family member from a family gathering. I think I'm doing the right thing. I can't say without knowing the full details, but it is possible that I would think that putting up with GM would be the right thing for you to do. At any rate, there's no reason to think that your relationship with your father is more important than his relationship with his mother, birthday or no.

Nah, life is too short to put up with appalling relations, especially on your birthday. Blood is thicker than water, but relatives can be thicker than either.

Get on over to the stately homes threads.

Sometimes mean old people really are just mean people who got old.

Forget it and enjoy your day, how you want to
So, chelsea or spurs

Thanks all.

Aliiiiii - neither! Not that match! But I do prefer spurs

Lol I realised after I'd posted that I hadn't read it properly!!
Chelsea here I'm afraid

She's in her mid-eighties.

I know it's your birthday, but would it really kill you? Can't the rest of the family keep her occupied while you and your DF watch the football?

At any rate, there's no reason to think that your relationship with your father is more important than his relationship with his mother, birthday or no

^^ And definitely this

How do I go to "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread?

I don't think yohre being unreasonable. There is no reason you should put up with nasty upsetting behaviour on your birthday in your own home just to keep the peace or because your dad invited her without making sure it was ok with you

So sorry I posted my new post on yours by accident! It has been removed now.
Your relation should not have invited their mother without checking with you first. It’s your birthday so you do what feels best to you. And yes they may not come now but that’s up to them.

@BrandNewFreshStart

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3902065-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-May-2020-onwards-thread