AIBU to feel some people 'hi-jack' others genuine grief for personal attention gain - FB related!

[OhDear321]

I am really going to try to put this as clearly as I can I don't want to offend anyone but this is really bothering me and wondering whether it is just my lack of experience. Before this year I had only attended one funeral and this was years ago when I was a teenager. This year I have lost 3 friends, all different reasons and all relatively young - 34, 52 and 48.

In each of these cases I have witnessed people who seemingly didn't know these people very well but launch into grief stricken posts on facebook etc. In my mind there is a vast difference between those who post on a page or a thread, something like 'so sad, sorry for your loss, thinking of family' etc and show empathy/sympathy - we can all do that with genuine feeling even if we do not know the person in question we are saddened by the loss and feel for the people who lose someone - I am not criticising these people at all. It is those who almost seem to then pretend to be really close to the person who died and want to mop up others sympathies. I feel I've seen a lot of this but strongest example is in the case of my 34 yr old friend who very sadly died of cancer. Another mutual friend who had not visited or even asked about her in the past six months when she has been in hospital, had not had contact with her for over 10 years, when I told her about the death kind of just said 'oh that's a shame' - then on FB page launched into an emotional rant about her loss and how much this person will be missed. She will indeed be missed but not by this person. I am the only mutual friend between these two (as far as I know) and watched in amazement as she got comments back like I am so sorry for your loss, and are you going to be ok, can Ido anything to help (all nice genuine comments) - and her replies that she just had to be strong and she'd get through it as that what X (friend who passed away) would want! I was really cross but gave benefit of the doubt as thought maybe they had a closer relationship than I knew, until I asked her if she was going to the funeral, and she replied - no I didn't really know her beyond being FB friends!

Thing is I don't feel she is the only one. In all three of the recent deaths I feel I've witnessed people almost jumping on the bandwagon of grief. Am IBU to think this is relatively, and very sadly, quite common - or is it just empathy/ sympathy in a different way. I've found it really upsetting, especially in the loss of my friend to cancer.

I am sorry to hear you've had such sad losses recently, OP. Some people just do make it all about themselves. I lost a really, really good friend last year, and I'd done a bit of helping and looking after while she was ill and dying. What really annoyed me once she'd died was various people saying "Oh, I wish I'd done something" or "I am so devastated". I'd have more sympathy if they'd actually shown up once over the two and a bit years from diagnosis to death. I call them Grief Tourists.

Anyway, I saw this thing on Kate Gross's blog, and I think it is an absolutely brilliant definition of how people can be helpful to others in this situation. You help the people further in the circle than you, and people further out help you. I am lucky in that I didn't have too many Grief Tourists.

kateelizabethgross.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/011514_1037_sittinginth1.png?w=595

it absolutely does happen. I am so so sad about this thing that happened to someone else and I want you all to focus on how sad I am and whether I am "sobbing here" or something that you all give the attention to me and I now become the centre of someone else's tragedy.

It is not the same as being genuinely upset and you certainly know it when you see it.

I understand what you mean. This isn't about someone posting their condolences, it's about people not really involved using someone else's loss to get attention and sympathy for themselves.

Misery vultures is a good description. They're often the type of people who have soap opera lifestyles where every minor little thing is a drama.

These people are the same people who rush to Facebook to post 'RIP X, can't believe it' the second they hear that a celebrity has died, just so they can be first to 'deliver the sad news'.

Grief wankers. The web is awash with their outpourings.

People who make every one else's tragedies and dramas all about themselves are the pits.
"Oh my Gaaawd. I could have been on that train that crashed. I sometimes go to York at the weekend. Oh to think it could have been me who got killed, Oh Gaawd" etc etc etc.

But it wasn't, and there's grieving families out there, so shut up about yourself!

This is strange as I'm sure I know who you are talking about......I didn't know the person that sadly died but I saw it all over my friends status. And in the ten+ years I've known this person I'd never heard the person that died mentioned once. The statuses were over the top and a bit much really so I agree people do rinse other peoples grief

Oh I hear you. I was wondering whether to start a thread a month or so back to gauge opinions on why people do this.

Our DD died in November (very prem baby), and a 'friend' has hijacked her on social media. In posts titled "me and my stories....." starting I have a friend, she's like a sister.....then talks about herself a bit, and how we both dreamed of a little girl and talked over wine about it, and then about how I was having one.... for us to share... and how sad she was feeling and how she'd plant a tree for her in a forest that would grow strong and old.... etc..

you get the picture, accompanied by photo's taken off MY social media.

Here's the thing:
a) she never met my DD
b) she has yet to phone, email or text me to offer her condolences
c) she wrote a letter to DD(!) and sent it along with a dress AFTER she had died (WTF am I supposed to do with that)
d) I still have not heard from her personally in the 3mths since it's happened
e) She was tagging NEWBORN photo's (she's a photog) with DDs name so when I looked at DDs album online, these photo's showed up. I had a friend tell that stupid bitch to take them down.
f) and I'm pretty damn sure, none of what she wrote to draw attention to herself actually HAPPENED!

HerRoyalHotness that's absolutely bloody appalling. I'm so sorry to hear you lost your daughter and horrified that a so-called friend would do that, and I'm not normally the kind of person that gets aerated about things posted on FB. That is an utterly shameful way to behave, though.

You are not being unreasonable -my best friend died of cancer and people who never spoke to her, went to visit her in hospital or even knew she was ill started to jump on a Facebook RIP bandwagon that sent me into depression.

I think the term grief vulture is perfect!
My DP died and I had a friend telling everyone to leave me alone and don't contact me, as she was taking care of me, making sure I wasn't alone etc. Did she visit me or pick up the phone? Did she fuck!
I was a twisted mess of lonely grief and had no one thanks to her posturing.
Another friend gave me hassle for having a fling to try and relieve the crushing loneliness because he had only been gone a year and SHE found it upsetting.
Cocks. All if them.
Luckily for me Facebook was in its infancy then. I bet they'd have been all over it wallowing though.
(Another musical friend wrote a song about him, but not many people know who it's about. He tends to write for friends he has lost. It's sweet. )

HerRoyalNotness I'm so sorry, I know I don't know you but I feel emotional reading your story.
Perhaps that's why people on facebook behave as they do? They are touched by something or someone they don't know and go overboard?

Maybe, I think some are just attention whores, trying to keep themselves in the eye of their followers, especially in the case of my 'friend' who has her own business.

I still can't actually believe she's behaved in the way that she has, and continues to. I mean fgs, she filled a card addressed to my DD with her thoughts, that I had to read, and has not managed to put pen to paper to me. Or a text, and she's always on her bloody phone. She was texting a mutual friend who was here helping me when DD was born, saying how is HRN, and she knew how I was feeling. I mean ffs, give me a break.

I have this very beautiful little dress and headband and a silver bracelet from her for DD, sent after the fact with some visitors, yes, she couldn't even make it to the post office, and I was just so confused as to what I was expected to do with them. I have a wardrobe of clothes that I bought for her, and a nursery prepared, and I can't bear to part with anything, what was she thinking! I'm now beginning to wonder if she got the gifts free from her contacts tbh.

When my brother died, someone who knew him vaguely - she was a friend of a friend of his girlfriend - wrote a long, emotional post on FB about how devastated she was. Unfortunately, a couple of DB's genuine friends found out about his death via her post.

The same cunty person also came to his funeral accompanied by her mother and sister (neither of whom had ever met my DB) because she 'needed the support'. And then proceeded to eat most of the buffet at the wake.

It's not just on Facebook, I've witnessed this in offices with people going home because they're so distraught at the death of sometimes they hardly know. They're a grief thief.

Saskia, I am sorry, but that raised a big smile here.

At MILs funeral one of her friends put on a spread. The selection of food was eclectic to say the least. It was based on a long running joke between MIL and the friend about good and bad taste. So we had lovely little vol au vents, crispy bruscetta and salmon blinis next door to triangles of sandwich spread on white sliced bread.

I know what you mean about 'grief theives' and people who make it all about themselves...

BUT. But. While I think FB is a terrible platform for people who want to make tragedies and dramas all about them, I think/hope it CAN offer some comfort to bereaved families, if the people who post after a death aren't twats about it.

A year ago, I discovered an old acquaintance - a guy who had gone out with a flatmate of mine when we were at Uni - had died at the age of 35. We'd lost touch after Uni, become 'reunited' via FB, and very shortly after the birth of my first child, as he was preparing to move abroad, he'd come to visit me with a mutual friend. That was the first time I'd seen him in about seven years (he had lived abroad extensively), and in that time we'd only been in touch via FB, but it was lovely to see him and we had a great catch up.

When I discovered he'd died, loads of people (he was a very popular guy) had posted condolences, memories, etc. on his FB page. I did the same. I was very careful not to be too chest-beaty and dramatic - we were, after all, not THAT close. But I imagined that his family would be reading all these messages, and surely it would give them some kind of comfort to know how well-loved he was by so many? I also sent a card to his mum and sister after getting their address from a mutual friend, but I felt like his FB wall had become almost a sort of 'memorial' and I wanted to add a little something to that to mark the fact that I thought he was a great, funny, guy, who I was grateful to have known, and would obviously be much missed. I think, on the other hand, if I'd been writing lengthy, grief-stricken posts on my OWN FB page about how devastated I was, that would have strayed into dodgy territory - i.e. making it all about me and not about him, IYSWIM?

Does any of that make sense?

Que - I think they were saying it to the lady who hardly knew her rather than to people genuinely grieving.

YANBU op

While I wouldn't dream of posting on FB about this sort off thing ,I have been to funerals where I did not know the deceased, purely to support family members. And have got quite upset, as I have lost both DPs, both PsiL and a couple of friends(one 46 one 52): it brings that grief to the surface . Plus I find some hymns (the ones they tend to have at funerals unfortunately ) make me very emotional . I try to wipe away tears unobtrusively though .

YANBU, my closest male friend died aged 35 and an acquaintance of ours, whom my friend tolerated but certainly wasn't fond of, immediately seemed to launch a campaign to be 'most bereaved'. It was very odd. He went on to organise a tree-dedicating ceremony in memory of my friend, to which I wasn't invited. It was odd and annoying, and I felt bad that I was annoyed.

I agree that disasters have similar results, I remember watching TV on 9/11 with a housemate who had artistic aspirations (despite not being able to paint for toffee). He shook his head, whistled and said 'wow...I could have been there for a showing' . And I wish I had a quid for every person who would have been at the Twin Towers that day but for some freak circumstance which prevented them from being there...

I do agree that grief is complex and that it can manifest itself in ways we can't predict therefore it is possible that there are reasons why this person may react the way they have however I completely understand why it upsets you in the circumstances. I lost my mum to cancer last year and am completely devestated and if I saw someone on fb speaking about how sad they were when I knew they had the opportunity to show their love to my mum when she was dying but had not done so then despite my initial objective comments I don't think I could help feeling like you.

I am sorry for your losses, cancer is shit

Gosh some of your stories are awful, so sorry so many of you have had to deal with such twats at times when people should be supportive or if they can't do that at least not causing upset.

When my mum was diagnosed with cancer ( terminal from the get go so we always knew that there was no hope) her MacMillan nurse said to her ," some people will surprise you for the right reasons and some people for the wrong reasons". And it was so true. I think death brings out the best and worst in people .. I know my mum was very upset with how some people behaved ( they couldn't cope with her illness which is such a cop out when they weren't the one dying) and it also extends into the circle as mazy was saying, the people that I looked to for support... Some surprises there too.

My ex mil made it all about her when my mum very suddenly died. She'd hardly even met her or spoke to her and tbh my mum thought she was a bit of a twat.

I was (and still am) livid. It was 14 years ago.

Nope YANBU.

My ex was something like a grief tourist and it sickened me. The last incident in our relationship was when he came to meet me and very somberly informed me that he was going to have to take time off work because he had a funeral to go to. I wasn't sympathetic because I knew him quite well by then, and my suspicions were confirmed. The funeral he had to go to was the funeral of a man whose family lived in the same street as his parents. He didn't know them, his parents didn't know them, they were at the other end of the country, but he was going to go and enjoy the event pay his respects anyway. It's a form of attention seeking.