AIBU to think that my husband to come downstairs to partake in daughters birthday

[Bravenewworld1]

Today is my daughters 8th birthday. she has never had a birthday party in the traditional sense, usually we just go out for lunch. this year I wanted to give her a proper party. I invited 14 of her school friends to the house. I made a pass the parcel., party bags little prizes for the kids and so on. a friend offered to help ouT- she was brilliant and I dont think i could have done it without her. they arrived at 1 left at 2. my husband works for himself so can decide when he takes time off. usually he works weekends. he did take the day off but spend the most of his time in his room. he helped me clean the house in the morning and took my daughter to the shops which are a 5 min walk away to buy her present- all this took about 20 mins. During the party he popped down twice for about 2 mins. he wasn't even there when she was blowing out her candles. as well as this he didn't lift a finger to clear up the mess after I FEEL REALLY DISAPPOINTED- especially as he is going away for a couple of days tomorrow. I told him how upset I was- he responded by saying that he took the day off , he doesn't do parties ant that he's a 48 year man and doesn't have to help out if he doesn't want too. he has stayed in his room most of the eveining.

no I made I mistake in my original post

ok just to make this clear the party was supposed to be 1 till 3 (I made a mistake in earlier post. I spent about 1 hour tidying up. my husband has spent most od day up stairs- despite the fact that it is our daughters b day and he is leaving for a short holiday tomorrow

He was a total arse. If he couldn't be there, then fine, but to hide upstairs is pathetic. It's not about whether he likes kids parties, the party wasn't for his benefit. All that matters is what your DD gets out of it, and her dad being part of her birthday, is a precious memory for her. It shows her that she is important and valued by him.

Most of the kiddies parties we have been to have not had a lot of men at all attend, seems to be mostly mums who do it so if I was at your party I would think it just normal he wasn't there.

YANBU - he should have made the 'effort' to be there for all of her party (it was only 1 hour after all). And IMO it shouldn't be an 'effort' for him either!

I'm trying to resist the urge to post in AIBU tonight over my DP absolutely fucking up over DD2's upcoming party...
He is quite antisocial anyway. He has never had an interest in organising a party or going - out of 17 (2 DCs) over the years he has made it to less than a third... We don't have house parties (small house) and I have had to ask other parents to help out because he wouldn't book the time off work 'just' for his DC's party.
(We do always have something on the actual day too - just us, cake and candles)
Anyway DD2 (also nearly 8) wanted a house party but could decide who to invite (would have been way over 8, just not feasible) so I said she had to either invite fewer children or have one at a venue. She chose the venue.

She was all excited and happy, I overheard her chatting about it with friends today ... The invites are out (to all the girls so one or two didn't feel left out), venue booked, etc.
For some reason she mentioned to DP she'd have liked a house party - instead of talking to me discreetly about it he behaved like a thoughtless fuckwit...said something like did I not think children should get what they wanted for their birthday party? - in front of DD2. Heated words exchanged ...(I'm kicking myself - I said something about did he really think I would be spending so much money if it wasn't the best option?)
Then he said we could have a house party- 'we'll manage' - when more than likely he would do fuck all - probably on past performance not even 'be able' to get time off work...
And it is too late to change now - and we definitely can't un-invite children to get anywhere near manageable numbers...it just can't happen
So now DD is sad - dad said we could have had a house party and she is also worrying that her party is 'costing too much money' Sorry I am still fuming - what the fuck was he thinking?

So YA absolutely NBU ...I could see DP doing very similar - realising it was hellish and avoiding it ...
except he would have been the one encouraging it in the first place as 'good fun' - when not having the faintest idea of how practical and how much hard work it could be...

Does he have social anxiety, and is just being an arse to cover it up?

Why do you allow this. unlucky why are you with someone like this. How are you going to stop your DD being with someone like this. Its up to you

The thing is I know (and I can't believe I'm defending him when I feel like killing him) he wasn't being deliberately mean - he was just being impulsive and thoughtless...jumping in without thinking...
(DD1 has just been diagnosed as having ADHD - from the assessment questionnaire I had to fill in I think I may well have it too - but I am absolutely certain DP does...worse than DD1...)
And if the social anxiety was aimed at me too - yep he definitely can't handle some social situations. I can understand to a degree (he comes from a very different background than the naice area we live in now) - but then one of us has to do it for the DCs - so he could make more effort ...

My exH did almost exactly the same as the OP's - for me it was this event that was the final straw that broke this camel's back. He was working nights and always slept until 1pm after work - so I planned (well in advance) our DD's 5th birthday party to start at 2.30pm until 4pm at home. He was OK with that - saying it would give him a chance to get up and shower and eat before the kids arrived. Then, on the day, he decided to kick off that I'd been inconsiderate even contemplating having a party at home, dictating to him when he should sleep and when he should get up etc etc - on the bloody day, in front of our children and my parents who had come to help so he wouldn't have to do anything.

In our case though, for a long time, he had avoided family time, of any kind. We have 'great' pictures of the kids on days out - where he had come along under sufferance - he appears in the background with a sulky face like a slapped arse. He also refused to get involved in any decision (from kid's parties, what sofa to buy or even what he fancied for dinner) - "you choose, I don't mind" - and then, once I'd made the choice he would complain about it for hour upon tedious hour - often dredging up previous occasions when my decisions had been equally dissatisfactory to him. I reached my limit of lugging this 'disgruntled passenger' around behind me in life and cut him loose before he could drag the rest of us down with him.

Divorcing him was like opening a window and letting fresh air back into my life!