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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect a bit of planning/consideration?

17 replies

FWPConfused · 17/02/2015 12:17

BIL and his 5 children are doing a half-term "tour" of the north (where most of the rest of us live).

He texted DH a few weeks back, asking when was best for us for them to visit - Thurs or Sat.

We could not do the Saturday so said Thursday. DH is self employed. If he does not work he does not get paid. So we both thought yes I know, assumed we would catch up with BIL and his family in the afternoon/evening. But no plans finalised.

I just texted BIL to find out when he is planning on being here so I can get the right food in ie did they want tea? Oh no, they didn't realise DH would be working so will not be able to see him - they are going to another brother's house on Thursday evening -so they will just have to not see DH and just come for lunch.

Poor DH. Yet again he is sidelined. I end up entertaining his family and they will bugger off and not see him.

If we had known (our fault maybe as much as theirs) he may have been able to wangle a day off. As it is he cannot at this late stage.

I know it is family. I know it doesn't have to be planned to the nth degree - but surely if you are coming mid-week daytime you to see your brother you say so. Not just assume he will be at home ffs. He, you know, works! Yes they have history for doing this. Not finalising plans/arriving late/staying late so I am scrabbling around trying to feed 7 people with half a loaf of bread and a boiled egg - or worse getting in food and being left with it not being needed.

Grump over. Got to tell DH now.

OP posts:

Original poster

FWPConfused · 17/02/2015 12:18

And yes, to clarify, we did know/agree the day - but no discussion of time - we just thought it was obvious some of the visit would be the evening so they could see DH.

OP posts:

reallyneedmoresleep · 17/02/2015 12:23

You said Thursday without clarifying a time so sorry but YABU

Original poster

FWPConfused · 17/02/2015 12:27

Just spoken to DH - he sounded very resigned to being bottom of the heap again - and it turns out he had told BIL he would be at work during the day.

I suppose we were just trying to be flexible - within the confines of working life - as they always have a lot of people to see when they come up here - so they often plan the larger trip - ie who on what day a few weeks in advance - and then the detail to be sorted later.

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 17/02/2015 12:28

I would say you are the unreasonable here tbh. You said Thursday was a good day so that's the information they've gone on. It was up to you to let them know you really meant Thursday eve after work.

Original poster

FWPConfused · 17/02/2015 12:38

Maybe I am being a bit unreasonable . Actually I am being unreasonable and a bit dim. You are right - given history of previous visits I/DH should have pinned them down more.

Oh and FWIW DH works Saturdays too (and they know this) so not like it was a choice of weekday/day off and we chose the working day.

But I shall just suck it up.

And learn for next time...specific, specific, specific.

OP posts:

Transporter · 17/02/2015 12:38

Sounds like bad planning by both of you. I would have mentioned that you DH was working until xx time.

Also, if people mess you about with times then don't bother trying to scrabble around sorting food - that's silly, just suggest they go out or order a takeaway.

Original poster

FWPConfused · 17/02/2015 12:40

If I suggest a takeaway we always end up paying.

But you are right - bad planning by both of us.

And (a whole different thread) there was me being proud of myself for letting go of some of my anxiety and not trying to micro-manage/control everything. I shall try not to let this set me back. maybe being a control freak is not such a bad thing after all

OP posts:

Kerberos · 17/02/2015 12:42

Why wouldn't DH just go to his other brothers house and see them all there?

And agree - learn for next time.

Transporter · 17/02/2015 12:43

We have a lot of reletives like this and I think you are making a mistake if you think that the best thing is to be specific with them. We do the opposite as it's less stressful. Even if we were specific with them there would be no guarentee they would do what was agreed so we don't bother.
then if and when they pitch up we make a plan. We don't cancel other arrangements for them. It takes the agnst out of things.

Original poster

FWPConfused · 17/02/2015 12:45

kerberos I suggested this to DH. He says he cannot be arsed now. He sounded very sad. He is the oldest brother. There for cash handouts and to pick up the tab. That is how he feels.

I think that is where I wanted the consideration - for him.

OP posts:

Transporter · 17/02/2015 12:46

You don't have to pay for the takeaway. . Tell them you want to split the bill.

OnlyLovers · 17/02/2015 12:47

I think YANBU. He KNEW his brother would be working during the day and still planned a conflict? He's being either deliberately or unknowingly stupid.

I wouldn't bother planning anything with him again, and if he and his lot do turn up unannounced I would on no account scrabble around trying to feed them. Let them worry about it themselves. And if you get a takeaway say 'We can get a takeaway and split the cost –BIL, you go and get it, here is the £20 for me and DH.'

Original poster

FWPConfused · 17/02/2015 12:48

transporter to be honest I see your point. I really struggle with this particular part of the family. It is wonderful to see them - but the chaos and yes angst around their visits do play merry hell with my anxiety. I am feeling a bit twitchy at the thought of them all be ing here without DH - I find all 7 of them very overwhelming on my own. YY I know the DCs will all just disappear and play - but I will be left holding the kettle/breadboard/tea towel kind of thing.

Maybe I shall just have to hand out lunch-making tasks rather than playing hostess.

Fuckity, fuckity.

The thing is, it really will be lovely when they are here - but there always sees to be some kind of shit around them coming that makes me have the jitters. My fault, not theirs - but it does kind of ruin it.

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 17/02/2015 12:56

X- post earlier with you saying your DP had said he'd be working that day.

Re: the lunch. Can you just do a buffet type thing? Put rolls/cheese/ham/salad out and get them to sort themselves out?

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/02/2015 13:21

"I just texted BIL to find out when he is planning on being here so I can get the right food in ie did they want tea? Oh no, they didn't realise DH would be working so will not be able to see him - they are going to another brother's house on Thursday evening -so they will just have to not see DH and just come for lunch."

"Just spoken to DH - he sounded very resigned to being bottom of the heap again - and it turns out he had told BIL he would be at work during the day."

"given history of previous visits I/DH should have pinned them down more."

SO actually BIL is lying about the 'didn't realise', isn't he?

On the basis of 'if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got', might I suggest that you text BIL along the lines of 'Oh there isn't any point in you coming if you can't see your brother. Let's catch up next time you're up.'. I so would.

OnlyLovers · 17/02/2015 13:25

Oh there isn't any point in you coming if you can't see your brother. Let's catch up next time you're up.

YY. I'd probably add passive-aggressively 'He said he did tell you he was working, so not sure how things got confused. Never mind!'

Tisiphone · 17/02/2015 13:37

OP, there sounds as if there must be more of a back story, because it seems a rather slight confusion/misunderstanding/piece of thoughtlessness to have sent you and your husband off into different tailspins about him being sidelined, taken for granted and exploited, and you being the unconsidered hostess...?

It gets said often on such threads, but no one can actually make you pay more than your fair share for meals and takeaways, give siblings money, or impel you to conjure up dinner for ten out of two eggs and a carrot at no notice. You choose to do these things because you feel put in an uncomfortable position, but you can opt to disregard others' opinions, and refuse to allow yourself to be exploited again.

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