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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop DDs dad from seeing her?

17 replies

peanutbetter · 16/02/2015 19:18

He is abusive, delusional and very manipulative. To put it mildly, he makes my life hell and has done since I was pregnant. I have welcomed him into my home and allowed him to see DD on a very regular basis. It wasn't good enough for him. He criticises and point scores at every visit. He then is very abusive and accusatory towards me after every visit. I have for the last 2 weeks said enough is enough and he will have to take me to court if he wants to see DD.
DD is just 1 so too young to miss him.
I know AIBU - or am I?

OP posts:

GinAndSonic · 16/02/2015 19:19

Yanbu, but some may disagree.

championnibbler · 16/02/2015 19:20

YANBU. I would take this to court.

Original poster

peanutbetter · 16/02/2015 19:20

Sorry - I 'allowed' him should be I 'encouraged' him as I really have from day 1.

OP posts:

queenofthepirates · 16/02/2015 19:22

You're not BU but perhaps there are ways to allow him to see DD without having to put up with the crap. Have you considered supervised access at a contact centre? Remember you don't have to see him or put up with the crap but you may be dragged through the courts unless you can agree on a plan for access.

26Point2Miles · 16/02/2015 19:22

yabu to stop your childs contact.

you should stop the contact in your home

you need third party handovers

if it goes to court this is what they will make happen.....you've encouraged contact so far so they will start with that as the status quo

Cantbelievethisishappening · 16/02/2015 19:24

It sounds as if you certainly need to change how the visits are managed especially the hand overs. Why are you 'welcoming' him into your home if he behaves like this?

Original poster

peanutbetter · 16/02/2015 19:28

He wants to gain full residence of DD. He is trying to build up a case against me by sending me and his friends and family emails about me that are completely made up. Saying I have mental health issues, that my house is a mess - that sort of thing. the truth is I'm very much together and my house is lovely. DD and I have an amazing bond. I have welcomed him because I felt it was my only option. But since he has ramped up his vendetta I feel I have to protect myself for the time being until I've sought legal advice.

OP posts:

phoenixrose314 · 16/02/2015 19:32

It can go badly for you if you stop contact now, courts in more recent days are looking favourably on fathers who have been prevented from seeing their children. A friend of mine stopped her husband from seeing their son - and she had a lot of evidence against him - and yet he got shared custody because she moved county and withheld information and contact.

Get visits to happen at a local contact centre, get in touch with social services or citizens advice to help you out if you really feel he will be a detriment to your DD's life.

Original poster

peanutbetter · 16/02/2015 19:46

Will it go against me even if I just have a few weeks of breathing space? I actually did ask him to let me know when he would like to see her (set times) but haven't heard back from him and this was nearly a week ago. This was after 1 week of me refusing access.

OP posts:

BeatriceBumble · 16/02/2015 19:57

I don't think he really wants full custody. A lot of men say that just to upset their former partner. Create a new email address. Use this to contact him. Get in touch with your local contact centre and make arrangements with him, using your new email, to meet your DD there. Keep all your emails as proof that have not stopped contact. I would be surprised if he bothers to reply. He got his kicks bullying you in your own home.

Spero · 16/02/2015 20:00

If it goes to court he is likely to get some kind of contact as the court has to follow the law which is that a child should have a relationship with both parents unless their emotional or physical safety is compromised by that relationship.

But you certainly don't have to allow him in your home. You need some boundaries, particularly if he is over stepping them. If you don't trust him to have unsupervised contact in his own home, you need to sort out a contact centre. But at some point it will have to move out into the community.

Babyhammock · 16/02/2015 20:01

Hi peanut
Really sorry you're going through this. This is what I would do in your shoes. Make any communication with him in writing. Email, text, whatever as long as you have a trace. In all correspondence show yourself to be utterly reasonable and always with DDs best interests at heart. You will find this very easy, he will find it impossible.
Make it very clear that contact in your home, due to his abusive nature towards you in front of DD which is detrimental to her, is no longer appropriate. Therefore contact will be arranged in advance in a neutral place and via a third party.
Hopefully you will find that as he no longer go has access to intimidate and harass you he will just f**k off lose interest.

Also read the Lundy Bancroft books. I can't recommend them enough. Just reading stuff written by someone who totally gets the type of person you are dealing with is massively helpful
Goodluck xx

Original poster

peanutbetter · 16/02/2015 20:15

Thanks all. A contact centre would be fine. I'm scared about emailing him again as it seems to open the floodgates for more insults and abuse towards me. I will check out Lundy Bancrofts books, thank you! It would be good to understand him a bit more as I just can't get my head round it all.

OP posts:

Babyhammock · 16/02/2015 20:29

Don't be scared of emailing him lovely. If he's abusive back...great.... evidence of his twattery unreasonable abusive behaviour.
Don't rise to it though. Not reacting to his nonsense will help you in more ways than you can imagine.

Beatricebumbke said he doesn't actually want custody. I totally agree. I doubt he's even interested in contact tbh. I would say this is mainly about getting to you. So don't feed him xxxxx

skylark2 · 16/02/2015 20:37

What babyhammock said. Keep all his emails (all of them, not just the worst ones), and remember that every time you open one and in it he lies, he's abusive, he insults you...it's another piece of hard evidence that he's a twat. A history of you being calm and polite and him being a total jerk in response is exactly what you need.

And yes, go with the contact centre.

strawberrysalsa · 16/02/2015 20:58

A friend of mine had this problem with her DD and an XP who was being EA and trying to manipulate her. She arranged for contact to be in my house and her XP only managed to come once as he didn't actually want to see his DD he only wanted to mess my friend around. This was about 12 years ago and in spite of him having access to contact if he wants he has made no effort to see DD at all.
Sort a contact centre and the chances are he will loose interest fast.

Coyoacan · 16/02/2015 21:56

And choose your moments to read his emails

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