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AIBU?

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Original poster

To petition for divorce on the grounds of adultery even if I've not caught him with his cock inside anyone?

54 replies

TheCharmersWife · 16/02/2015 13:12

Forgive the vile subject header-
It's the only way I could think of to get advice quickly Sad

DH- the archetypal charmer- everybody loves him. says all the right things, cannot do enough for little old ladies, friends and family, high achiever at work.

I've found him out again- sexting with another random- AGAIN. Mocking and making fun of me. Them both joking I am the frigid, spent nothing wife devoid of everything he needs.

My heart is broken.

It will never mend.

He says it's because I said I'd try to fix our intimacy issues and I never did and he was tired of it always being him. Sad

I have no family around. I have no support.

I am a mess.

I snatched his phone off him last night when I knew something was wrong- I wouldn't give it back, he told me not to talk to him like he was a child, he told me he was sick of me telling him what to do- he wrestled the floor off me yesterday and in the process I have a black eye and a bruised shoulder.

How did I end up like this? I gave up everything for my family.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCharmersWife · 16/02/2015 13:42

2 yr separation?

OP posts:
PtolemysNeedle · 16/02/2015 13:43

Ptolomy you can't physically force people to do things.

I agree, which is why OP shouldn't have forced her husband to let go of his phone, and she shouldn't have forced him into a choice between using the same physicality that she had just used on him, or losing use of his phone having it and his privacy gone through by her.

This isn't the point of the thread though, I only made my comments because of people suggesting the police and women's aid, which I think is ridiculous.

OP, you have every right to go for a divorce, and to attempt to get that divorce on whatever grounds you like, but a you need a solicitor to tell you what's going to work best for you.

Original poster
TheCharmersWife · 16/02/2015 13:44

I have taken date stamped photos of my bruises to a friend. I do not want to involve the police.

OP posts:
TheGirlWhoPlayedWithFire · 16/02/2015 13:46

If you aren't working you won't need to get a job asap.

If he's made a successful career for himself you may be able to try and get some interim order for financial support, but it depends on how money is split/shared in your house.

Again I would definitely urge caution about showing him the thread. I understand why you'd want to do it - to humiliate him, make him feel like you felt when he texts other women.

But he's unlikely to care what mumsnet thinks of him and he will use it against you. Also if you are intending to start divorce proceedings then allowing him knowledge of this will give him time to potentially hide finances.

The sensible option is to put aside your hurt temporarily and think about what you want. If you don't want to stay married to him, then obtain all financial information possible, bank statements from both yourself and him, wage slips of his, Mortgage deeds and any other financial policies/trusts held.

Then get yourself down to your nearest family solicitor who can initiate divorce proceedings for you.

Doing this would punish him but that isn't the goal. The goal is for you to be happy, divorced but happy that you are no longer living with such an arse.

VanitasVanitatum · 16/02/2015 13:47

ptolemy she did not in any way force him to hurt her! That's ridiculous. Yes she took an item that belonged to him but any decent person would simply wait for their partner to return it. You're not talking about some random person in the street where you may be 'forced' to wrestle them on the grounds that the phone will not be returned if you do not.

He knew full well she would return it once she had read his messages, even if she didn't it is entirely unreasonable to use violence on your partner when no violence has been offered to you, frankly even if it had been.

Original poster
TheCharmersWife · 16/02/2015 13:47

Thanks Potolemy.

OP posts:
Purplepoodle · 16/02/2015 13:47

Go straight to a lawyer, now. Get some advice. Sounds like he is the type to turn nasty once you bring up divorce.

AnyFucker · 16/02/2015 13:50

start divorce proceedings immediately on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour

that's my only advice to you

I have no further wish to be part of a pointless 3 way dialogue with you, kind MN'ers who think you deserve your own space to get support and this jumped up prick

Original poster
TheCharmersWife · 16/02/2015 13:50

TGWPWF- you have hit the nail on the head- yes, I want him to feel humiliated, and feel the way I did, to feel the shock. In that last post you've turned my head and I thank you for it.

I need to be the person I used to be. I need to be shrewd and sharp.

Thank you all.

I feel a little less alone right now.

OP posts:
KnittedJimmyChoos · 16/02/2015 13:52

Absurd reasoning Plotemy he didn't have to wrestle with her Confused

Penguinsaresmall · 16/02/2015 13:56

If you started the physical stuff by snatching his phone from him and then not giving it back when asked, I don't think you can blame him for the fact that you ended up with bruises

With respect, that is bull.

Dh is bigger and stronger than me - but if something I did to him was putting me at risk of getting hurt he would back off; and would absolutely not get into a wrestling match with a woman. There is no way I would end up with a black eye.

All I'm saying is, don't minimise the fact that you are injured.

TheGirlWhoPlayedWithFire · 16/02/2015 13:57

I can tell. But it won't make any difference. If he cared what you thought he wouldn't be dicking you around in the first place .

I know he's taken a lot away from you. I can tell by the way you post. But you can get it all back - and it starts with you.

I would urge you to seek legal advice asap and get back the life that you deserve. Best of luck with it.

NeedABumChange · 16/02/2015 14:00

I think you should end things for good, it's too late to be showing him threads etc..

Although re abuse, I don't think he should be arrested for abuse anymore than you should be arrested for stealing. You took his phone and refused to give it back, wrestling occurred.

Fatstacks · 16/02/2015 14:09

Good luck OP.

I'm disappointed in some of the advice but you have had great advice too.

I personally would go to the police, if it's really ok to hurt people for grabbing phones then I'm sure they will send you away.
On the other hand they may make a note of it, put you in touch with woman's aid and help you get control back.

It may seem an over reaction, my guess is you still wish none of this had happened and just want your life back, it's not an over reaction to equip yourself with any help you may need.

CremeEggThief · 16/02/2015 14:17

Definitely more than enough for unreasonable behaviour. I agree with others that you need to set the wheels in motion for divorce. You will never be happy with this man.

I am sorry this has happened to you, OP. Thanks

fuzzywuzzy · 16/02/2015 14:17

Go to the GP get your injuries recorded, get divorced on grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

If you have proof of DV you qualify for legal aid.

Regardless of how you feel right now, you do not want a lengthy expensive pointless battle to get rid of this man.

No tussle for a phone ends up in a black eye unless he has hit you in the face. Be safe.

Optimist1 · 16/02/2015 14:41

Unreasonable behaviour would cover sexting, emotional abuse (him towards you) and possibly the assault. You wouldn't have a problem getting it on those grounds.

Spot on!

DamnBamboo · 16/02/2015 14:49

He hasn't committed adultery that you know of has he?
In which case go for unreasonable behaviour.
Sorry you're going through this.

xxx

Original poster
TheCharmersWife · 16/02/2015 16:04

T

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCharmersWife · 16/02/2015 16:05

Thank you, yes I will.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCharmersWife · 16/02/2015 19:29

Went to the docs this evening. I'm seeing a nurse practitioner tomorrow to record injuries.

OP posts:
Fatstacks · 16/02/2015 19:36

Well done.
It doesn't force you into any decisions but it does give you validation and hopefully access to help.

He did wrong not you.
Have you slept together?
Do you need STD checks too?
Flowers

ImperialBlether · 16/02/2015 19:42

I would be tempted to send those dated photos to the girls he's sending messages to, to show them exactly the kind of man they're dealing with.

Oh and then I'd go to his workplace to pass on a message. I'd like to see him trying to explain away your injuries.

You really are in a very strong position now, OP.

BalloonSlayer · 16/02/2015 19:46

"He didn't hit me- he wanted his phone back and we struggled."

or

You took his phone from him, totally understandable in the circumstances of his repeated sexting, and in the process of getting it back he blacked your eye.

I would NEVER black anyone's eye in the course of getting my phone back from them.

PerpendicularVincenzo · 16/02/2015 19:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.