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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want a partner

19 replies

undertherose · 15/02/2015 18:21

As in, ever?

This is not a post so much about valuing independence as just what's been normal for me thus far. I don't want to live with somebody else, don't want to have to justify my behaviour and choices to anybody else and don't like having to consider someone else all the time.

Aibu? As society generally thinks I am ...

OP posts:

Cantbelievethisishappening · 15/02/2015 18:24

I have friends who have never had/want a partner. No-one bats an eyelid. It's no big deal unless you want to make big, public statements about it..... which you are doing.
I dont understand why you feel society thinks YABU. Who/what has made you feel U about it? Perhaps you are the one with hang ups.

juneau · 15/02/2015 18:28

Of course YANBU. Its your life to live the way you want. Society expects us all to couple up (and reproduce, if straight), and it can be hard to make others understand a decision that varies from this well-worn path, but you don't have to justify it. Just do it and don't worry too much about what others may think. Only you have to live your life.

ThisIsYourLife · 15/02/2015 18:35

YANBU. Do you mean you get lots of comments/questions in rl? My close family and friends stopped with the comments long ago sure they still think I'm weird though, same can't be said for colleagues/acquaintances, the very same people who constantly moan about their dp's. Shame they can't see the irony.

Original poster

undertherose · 15/02/2015 18:42

I don't have hangups!

However, you are constantly asked if you have met anyone 'yet' and society is set up towards couples. It isn't socially acceptable, generally speaking, to be single.

OP posts:

EBearhug · 15/02/2015 18:47

It's fine not to be coupled up, but the rest of society doesn't always recognise that, especially for things like going on holiday, though I think things are better than they used to be. There may also be couples who will either try to set you up with friends, or will just end up dropping you, because apparently if you're a single woman, you can't be trusted out in public alone - actually, I don't know what it is, but it was happening before social lives started focussing on toddlers' birthday parties. I may just know some rubbish people, but I also know I'm not the only one this has happened to.

It can be easier to get a table in a busy restaurant on your own, and you only go to see films and theatre and so on that you want to see, and if you decide you want a long bath, you won't be hogging the hot water and bathroom for anyone else, and if you decide to spend the afternoon reading MN rather than doing the vacuuming or the ironing pile, that won't be a problem, either. There are definitely benefits, just not all of it.

trashcanjunkie · 15/02/2015 18:53

No yanbu. I felt that way too, until I met my dp.... I was single for a good few years (7) and quite happy for about half of that, but then did feel loneliness in the later half. The thing was even when lonely I knew I couldn't possibly settle for somebody, and I despaired of ever meeting someone who I actually wanted to share my life/home/bed with. If you aren't lonely for a partner, I think it's perfect fine to feel as you do. I suppose others have wrongly placed empathy. Your uncoupled status makes them feel bad, so they want to fix that and 'fix' you..... Even though you are perfectly happy as you are....

ThisIsYourLife · 15/02/2015 19:13

You just have to not care about whether society deems your choices acceptable. I don't know how old you are but I found my 'couldn't give a s* attitude' came with age. The most I can muster these days is mild annoyance

LeSaor · 15/02/2015 19:23

"Why are you announcing this, nobody cares" - actually the comments are relentless and you just don't notice them because you're doing the societal norm of being in a couple or looking to be.

"I was like that until I met Bob, you'll change your mind" - irritating as fuck and self-absorbed

"Aren't you lonely" - no

"Why are you afraid of love were you hurt i-" no

"My friend Mark is single a-" no

"Do you h-" no

"Y-" no

Original poster

undertherose · 15/02/2015 19:56

Yy Le

OP posts:

Safmellow · 15/02/2015 20:02

YANBU. I feel exactly the same. I know what you mean, I used to wonder if I was a bit odd purely because everyone else I know in real life values being a partnership so much. But it works for me and now I've been single for so long my friends have stopped telling me 'the right person is out there somewhere' :)

Birdsgottafly · 15/02/2015 20:08

I totally agree with you OP.

I've been Martied and in a Partnership.

I have also been happily single and had Fuckbuddys, which has led to lots of pitying comments (even though they are generally 10 years younger than me and extremely Fit).

As a woman, you're seen as having issues, or low self esteem if you are "settling" for fantastic sex without the hassle of an unwanted relationship.

Let's face it, 60% of the "couples" you encounter aren't in proper relationships , they're either unfaithful, or going through the motions because they aren't too scared to be single.

I'm happily single at present and the amount of grilling I got, even from Strangers, at Christmas and this Valentines, because "Society" doesn't get why anyone would be happy this way.

Birdsgottafly · 15/02/2015 20:09

"Are to scared too be single"

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 15/02/2015 20:19

I've been single nearly 6 years now, with no plans to change it. Quite happy with just me and DD.

Pandora37 · 15/02/2015 20:38

YANBU. I don't have much relationship experience but the few I have had have ended horribly and haven't at all endeared me to wanting one. I'm quite a solitary person anyway so I find being in relationships difficult and even smothering at times. I was single for 5 and a half years before my last relationship and was chugging along okay and I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything. Now I'm single again I'm back to that way of thinking. I think I'm a better, more productive person when single.

I get what you mean about society. I had a horrible break-up last summer and I've had people ask me if I have a new boyfriend yet. Now maybe I'm just not very resilient but considering these people know that I've had issues from that break-up that have been ongoing for months I was surprised that they thought I'd want another relationship so quickly. I do know people who tend to bounce from relationship to relationship and are rarely single but that just isn't me. I've had people tell me I'm "too pretty" to not have a boyfriend which is a nice compliment but makes me roll my eyes a bit. I don't like the assumption that an attractive woman can't just be happy on her own. I feel like I'm pitied a bit as well which I can't stand - I've had comments along the lines of "oh poor Pandora, have you still not met anyone yet" and I've had people try and set me up which I appreciate is well meaning. I know some people find it hard to understand that I'm fine as I am. My family in particular don't understand, they're desperate for me to have a boyfriend. I know it's because they want me to be happy but even though I tell them I'm quite content they still go on out about finding a soul mate and that sort of rubbish.

TwoOddSocks · 15/02/2015 20:39

I think most people want a partner and are happier in a couple but that doesn't mean everyone is. Good for you if you're happy the way you are.

skylark2 · 15/02/2015 20:40

I never wanted "a partner."

When I met now-DH, that didn't change. I didn't want "a partner" but I wanted to be with him.

If I lost him now, I still wouldn't want "a partner."

Charlotte3333 · 15/02/2015 20:43

Nope not BU at all. ES' Godmother is 34 and has been single for, well, all our adult lives. She's had a few dalliances and one night stands but never anything serious. She's happy, confident and self-sufficient. Her family struggle especially as she's one of five and all her siblings have at least 3 children of their own, but I think if she's genuinely happy why settle just for the sake of settling?

DiaryOfAWimpyMum · 15/02/2015 20:45

YANBU I was married for 16 years and have been single for 4 years, I am quite happy with just me and DSs, I like having no-one to answer to and making my own decisions. I was in a very controlled marriage so am enjoying the freedom. I also love having the bed to myself.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 15/02/2015 20:46

I think you are right that a lot of people really do think that coupledom is the norm and the aim for everyone and that a person is lying if they say that actually, that's not what they want. Either they need to find that magical person that will make them change their mind, or they are saying it to cover up the depth of their despair at not having a significant other.

While yes, there are, sadly, a lot of people who are single but who do actually desperately want someone to love and share their life with, there are also people who really, truly do not and I don't know why some people don't seem to be able to accept that.

I mean, it's not like it even affects them in any way, is it?

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