To think that, if the other adult in the house actually pulled their weight, I wouldn't have to "nag"?

[DrSeuss]

Apparently, he "doesn't know what needs doing".
Apparently, the board in the kitchen with a list of weekly jobs eg wash floor, is beyond him. He only has a PhD, after all!
Apparently, looking around him and seeing that the living room carpet is covered in bits is not a clue that someone needs to Hoover.
If I just run him through with a bread knife, can I go to a nice, quiet cell where I can just sit and read?!
I am sick of asking for help, over and over. Being promised help then ignored. I put it to him that maybe this is why I get annoyed. He again claims that he doesn't understand what is required. I am not especially house proud. I just like a reasonably clean home, not a show house.

Can anyone give me a good reason not to just use the bread knife?

My DH was exactly the same,still is in some respects but nowhere near as bad now as he was.

My solution I became disabled and seriously ill,I wouldn't recommend it though,thinking that may have been a bit daft of me

Seriously he only started noticing things that needed doing without me saying 9,000 times when it became his job to do ie I couldn't do it anymore.

I was thinking about it earlier and it suddenly came to me that since he's been hoovering and dusting he now realizes when it needs doing without me saying anything.I think the only reason is because he now sees the difference from when he'd done it to when it needs doing.

Another vote for Brian (and the spoon)

Have you got a spare room to retreat to? Tidy room/clean sheets. I'd stop doing his washing/ironing and cooking for a start.

Stop calling it 'help'. Read Wifework.

Then yeah, put up and shut up, nag or get rid.

Basically, he's telling you he's too good to clean up after himself, but you aren't.

'Yes, his bachelor flat was filthy.'

I drill this into my daughter, if you are dating a guy, of course, it's casual at first, and you go back to their flat and it's a disgusting shithole, dump. Dump, dump, dump. Because he's showing you he's a pig. 'Oh, he might change.' 'Train him.' Changing is for babies in nappies and training is for dogs. Find a responsible adult to have a relationship with, not a skank who is so disorganised he trashes out his own home.

Depends if you (plural) have given him set tasks to do on a weekly basis. It's all well having a weekly chore list, but if you don't delegate specific tasks to be his responsibility, then he'll not take ownership of them spontaneously.

YABU

You need something pointyer than a bread knife (sympathies)

I have seriously and truthfully said to dh "the only way you will possibly get inside my knickers this weekend is if you pull your weight around here by doing X,Y and Z" -works for me ;)

He's choosing not to bother. Seperate the chores, decide together on a time limit to when they are done each week and leave his side to him. If he stops doing his side of things then stop doing yours that affect him.

If he fancies himself as an enlightened sort etc, have him read the Politics of Housework to see how he's behaving like oppressive bastards everywhere.

e.g.

"I don' t mind sharing the work, but you'll have to show me how to do it." MEANING: I ask a lot of questions and you'll have to show me everything every time I do it because I don't remember so good. Also don' t try to sit down and read while I'M doing my jobs because I'm going to annoy hell out of you until it's easier to do them yourself."

"We used to be so happy!" (Said whenever it was his turn to do something.) MEANING: I used to be so happy. MEANING: Life without house work is bliss. No quarrel here. Perfect Agreement.

"We have different standards, and why should I have to work to your standards? That's unfair." MEANING: If I begin to get bugged by the dirt and crap I will say, "This place sure is a sty" or "How can anyone live like this?" and wait for your reaction. I know that all women have a sore called "Guilt over a messy house" or "Household work is ultimately my responsibility." I know that men have caused that sore-if anyone visits and the place is a sty--they're not going to leave and say, "He sure is a lousy housekeeper." You'll take the rap in any case. I can outwait you. ALSO MEANING: I can provoke innumerable scenes over the housework issue. Eventually doing all the housework yourself will be less painful to you than trying to get me to do half. Or I'll suggest we get a maid. She will do my share of the work. You will do yours. It's women's work.

On a practical note, if people are a bit crap at getting on with housework (I am) the way to remember to do thing is by making certain things their own, specific jobs.

So, he does all the hoovering for example. All of it. Every day/3 days/week/however often it needs doing in your house. You never do it.

You will do the mopping so he doesn't need to think about that (unless the floor is a disaster). Do you think that might work?

Does he really do absolutely nothing?

I only ask, because my DH would probably say the same about me as you're saying about your DH.

In fact, we just notice different things.

On Friday - my day off, I dropped DD at school, did a weekly food shop & put it away, changed our bed, cleaned the bathroom & kitchen and did two loads of laundry, picked DD up from school, cooked dinner and cleared up after and managed to fit in having a friend round for lunch.

DH no doubt came home and clocked that the dining room needs tidying and I hadn't hoovered.

It causes more arguments than anything else in our relationship as he never seems to notice/appreciate anything I do, but picks and strops constantly about the stuff I don't do, while I feel that I'm always trying to keep up.

Also don' t try to sit down and read while I'M doing my jobs because I'm going to annoy hell out of you until it's easier to do them yourself.

...or until you feel so guilty you get up and start doing something too - oh, yes. Funny how it never works the other way round though .

So why are you living with this? Tell him he moves out if he cannot clean his own home.

And I agree with expat. I tell my own daughter to watch very carefully what men do around the house. Any boy can buy you flowers. A man worth having hoovers and does the washing up.

Does he work? Do you work? Maybe the condition the floor has to be in before it needs mopping or hovering is different to him than you?

Oh and I think prisons have banned books being sent in now

What Brian said.

Lazy, selfish, childish behaviour.

But still very common unfortunately.

Oh, I hear you - we had an almighty row today about this. His parents were coming for Sunday lunch so I wanted the place straightening up.

I tidied the living room and said 'I'll stick everything that needs to go upstairs on the sofa' he said 'ok' then walked past the sofa and upstairs - twice

I shouted him back and apparently I was unreasonable because I didn't explicitly say 'darling, can you take the stuff upstairs...'

I cleaned the bathroom whilst ds was in the bath then sprayed the bath with cleaner when he got out. I asked dp to clean the bath - he did just the taps! Again I was unreasonable for not saying 'wash the bit you sit in and the scarmy sides'

I bet his lack of actions making you feel like his Mum make you feel really attracted to him?

I agree he is making a choice - he may even deep down feel it is you "role" to clean, not his.

I don't think what his bachelor pad was like is a reason or excuse. Does he really want the children living in/being raised in a tip?

He can learn if he really doesn't know but he doesn't want to. You'll do it after all.

Does he at least pick up after himself or are you expected to do that too?

There is a book called Wifework always recommended on Relationships in these situations. Perhaps you could both read that and then meet to discuss afterwards. He has PHd so he can read (no excuses). Bet he wouldnt want to do that either.

Other (probably useless) things to try are;
Strike. You stop doing stuff for him.
Set aside time to do at least the main stuff together. You do kitchen, he does bathroom, you do bedroom he does living room etc until he learns (poor ignorant man).
HE pays for a cleaner once a week to cover his "share" - though this doesn't address the issue that he sees it as your job not his.

I'v been through all of this with XP, OP so I understand how incredibly demoralizing, boring and pointless this all is.

Whatever you do DrSeuss please vow here and now to never ever again ever talk about him "helping" you with housework. It is his shit to do and deal with or not. Never yours alone.

A man who doesn't do his share of domestic work after repeated requests and reminders is telling you that he despises women. Shitwork is women's work. Being men's servants is what women are for.
If you want to give him once last chance, lay it out in those terms.'You don't do your share of housework. You obviously think that housework is my job and that I am your servant. Therefore I am losing all respect for you and no longer find you attractive. If you still don't think there's a problem then I am going to divorce you, because I refuse to live with someone who has such contempt for me.'

SGB tells it like it is.