To ask- If your child isn't bullied or harassed at school-

[Tangerineandturquoise]

What do you think it is that shields them from such behaviour?
Be it bullying or harassment some children seem to escape and others to be caught up in it. Are there reasons or is it luck?

I think depending on the age of the child, it's the character.

My son is 5, and I've noticed that the stronger characters in his class (the louder and bolshier ones) tend to be the ones who don't have any problems, whereas the more studious and sensitive types (like my son) tend to be more on the receiving end!

I think it's because the louder and fightier ones tend to form male bonds easier over play fighting, football and causing chaos whereas the quieter ones seem to struggle more!

My son would rather pretend he's working in a laboratory than kick a ball around!

One of mine is quite smiley and funny, one looks physically quite robust and just wouldn't engage if someone was horrible, one is more sensitive but has learnt to be incredibly verbally scathing to 'nerd' type comments.

I would be careful not to dwell on it too much though - I know someone who has single handedly given their child a victim mentality by getting to dwelling too much on this type of thing. I would engage the teachers and made sure the bullies get told off and are dealt with appropriately.

I think it's mostly luck tbh - I know a couple of kids who have moved schools due to bullying, without any repetition in the new school.

However, I do think there are some personality traits that perhaps help to shield children in some ways. My own dd is quite confident in herself, and although she can be very sensitive in some ways, she tends to be quite laid back about any differences between herself and other kids. She doesn't seem to feel the same pressure to "fit in" that I felt when I was a child, and she just expects others to accept her as she is. Somehow, that seems to work for her.

I think kids are quick to sense any vulnerability, and bullies will tend to exploit this.

None of my 3 ds's have been bullied, although my ds3 is quite a different personality to the older 2, looks vulnerable and is sensitive/ cries easily etc, so I always think he is more at risk and for this reason i tend to look out for him more and ask my elder ds's to. My elder two sons have had more or less the same group of friends since they started school at 4 and these are the same lads they have also played football with in a team since the age of 4. Therefore they have a strong friendship group and tend to hang around in a biggish group and I think that protects them somewhat. They are also physically very big/ tall. i worry more about my almost ten year old dd as she is coming up to the age where girls start getting very bitchy/ nasty towards each other, and whilst she has a lot of friends and can stick up for herself ( probably helped by having 3 older brothers!), I do worry.

I think partly it's due to their character,but, as parents we need to teach our children about bullying and how to handle it.
I told both of my kids that "people will only bully you if you let them" and, personally,I think it's true.They were also told to fight back with their mouths,not their fists and,on several occasions,they have successfully stood up for themselves. DS is nearly 17 and built like a house, so no one bothers him! DD started secondary school last September and came up against another girl several weeks after she started who tried to make life miserable for her and, bless her she said to me "I remembered what you said Mum about people bullying you if you let them,so I gave her what for and she left me alone". She is quite a loud girl (don't know where she gets that from.....) but is quite sensitive really and I think if the other girl had seen that side of her, it would have escalated.
It's making your children realise too that they don't have to put up with that behaviour and they won't get into trouble for sticking up for themselves.

i think bullies always pick on those who they view as weaker or in some way less than them. a child who is sensitive or quiet or has some obvious difference about them will be an easy target.

my dd is quite sensitive and i have spent years working with her teachers to toughen her up. we are lucky she goes to a lovely school and is part of a lovely class and up till now bullying has not been as issue. i can see how picking on her would be attractive to a bully as she would rise to it every time and get upset and because she is so sensitive it would be passed off as her being too easy to wind up for quite some time.

i really hope either she toughens up or her schoolmates continue to get along.

Luck. DS2 was bullied at primary because one boy found he could iykwim. No problems with anyone else.

No problems at secondary.

I think the larger school has helped, lots more people to make friends with .

DS2 is more confident in himself now, if someone is horrible to him he thinks they're an idiot. He's learned the art of the put down as well if people are being vile.

And yes being small, quiet & sensitive can mark your card with some.

Oh and I di think that schools differ. Ds2's secondary has very clear boundaries 'oi don't do that, not acceptable' whereas his primary was much more wishy washy 'let's all be nice' which didn't really work with some. They also seemed to see it as ds2's fault by getting upset. I had to actually point out I'd find it hard to cope with someone calling me a cunt every time I went near them & I wasn't 10. At his secondary school that would be an immediate sanction for the person doing the name calling, no pleas to be kind just a very clear 'not acceptable'

Both my children in school are very different characters, but they are both quite strong characters. Ds1 in a loud and funny way, dd in a quieter way.

I am not aware of any bullying going on but they are both in the infants.

I was never bullied in school and I think that is because I have a strong personality, like dd in a quiet way.