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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To allow DD to go to a sleepover at a house where I haven't met the parents.

58 replies

fibromum · 14/02/2015 11:19

DD13 is in 2nd year at high school (will be in 3rd year in 3.5 months time) She is off to a sleepover tonight with a girl I have not met.

My plan was to dropp DD off and meet the girls mum then but DD has just told me the mum will be at work so they will be on their own for an hour.

I told DD no, that I will drop her off once the sleepover girls mum is home and DD is having a typical teenager rant about it.

I will say there is a second girl also going who I have only met once BUT this other girls mum is the deputy head of the school the girls go to so I have met her through the school. My thinking is well the deputy head knows the sleepover family and is happy for her DD to go so should I.

So AIBU to insist I meet the sleepover girls mum or should I let DD go at the original arranged time.

OP posts:

hijk · 14/02/2015 14:16

as a teacher I would advise against going by th judgement of the teacher, what would she know? We know next to nothiing about the parents of our pupils.

I would say no, tbh. 13 year old girls are incredibly vulnerable, partly because they think they are so grown up, when in fact their judgement is so immature.

I wouldn't even say I needed to meet the mother first, then leave. What if you smell cannabis, or the mum seems drunk?

I would say no this time, then make sure I have met the mother BEFORE agreeing to a sleep over

brightreddress · 14/02/2015 16:32

13 year old girls are incredibly vulnerable, partly because they think they are so grown up, when in fact their judgement is so immature.

I was at my naughtiest at 13 for this reason. I would get so drunk, not know where I'd been, always - of course - having told my parents I was going to a sleepover. Was much more sensible by 15.

mommy2ash · 14/02/2015 16:53

i wont allow my dd to go to a sleepover as a teenager unless i had spoken to the mum whether i knew her or not. at that age there was a lot of us all telling our parents we were at each others houses when we weren't. i think it is irresponsible not to check.

hooker29 · 14/02/2015 17:10

I'm not a fan of sleepovers, but DD is nearly 12 now and I know they will happen more often.Unfortunately-and the thing that does scare me a little-once they go to secondary school they make many new friends, some of which I will probably never meet, so letting her go to a relative strangers to sleep does go against the grain a little!
Anyway, DD was invited to a sleepover last Saturday for a friends birthday,but, as they no longer 'do' written invitations at secondary school DD was giving me all the information verbally.In the end, I asked DD to give my number to her friend so her mum could text me the details. Which she did, and even invited me round for coffee! DD had a great time, and I felt a lot better, and a lot less worried, because I'd been in touch with the mother.

Andrewofgg · 14/02/2015 17:28

YANBU. No sleepovers unless you've been in contact with the host-parents - preferably eye-to-eye.

And I was never offended by the parents of guest-children wanting to meet DW and me first.

Teenage rants come with the territory - not that I don't sympathise as father of a DS with anyone, mother or father, nailing jelly to a tree parenting a DD.

Sparklingbrook · 14/02/2015 17:32

I would be fine with it given the information in the OP.

Mrsstarlord · 14/02/2015 17:37

This is interesting as we had a similar issue a couple of weeks ago.

DS has a friend (DS is 11 - just, and very young for his age), his friend invited him for a sleepover but I heard them talking about it before they asked me

Friend: Do you want to come over to my house for a sleepover
Son: Who will be there
Friend: No one
Son: Mum won't let me
Friend: Don't tell her

I duly pointed out that I had heard them and friend tells me they are going to dads house in a different village while friends mum does a night shift.

Friend has 3 people he calls dad, birthdad (never met him, only started referring to him a month ago), step dad (have met a few times and seems nice but now separated from mum), mums new boyfriend (been on the scene about 3 months but never met him, has an older daughter who is about 13, drinks alcohol and watches 18 films as does the friend). It was the third person he was referring to. Now I had an easy cop out, they had lied to me so I said no because they had lied. However I would have said no anyway because I know nothing about this man, I don't like the rules the family have and don't feel confident that my son would be safe but am I being too protective?

Andrewofgg · 14/02/2015 17:59

No Mrsstarlord you are being responsible.

Mrsstarlord · 14/02/2015 18:13

Thank you, I do worry that I'm too protective because of a number of reasons not least that I'm an old fart

Andrewofgg · 14/02/2015 18:24

You can't be an old fart with a DS of 11. It's not physically possible. A young fart, perhaps, but on the evidence!

Original poster

fibromum · 14/02/2015 18:41

Well DD has gone to the sleepover.

Slight change in plans but I managed to speak to the teacher and she said her daughter has been going to this other friends regulary for a year and a half (i was very casual in our conversation so it didn't sound too much like I was sounding out the other parents).

I dropped the girls right at the house and while I still haven't met the other mother I am more relaxed now.

Thanks for all the replies, this parenting teenagers stuff is hard work

OP posts:

Andrewofgg · 14/02/2015 18:45

fibromum Is she your only? If so, now you enjoy a bloody good evening without her!

Original poster

fibromum · 14/02/2015 19:03

No I still have DS10 at home but we are enjoying a Chinese and watching Mr Peabody

OP posts:

IHaveBrilloHair · 14/02/2015 20:00

I don't check, I have no reason not to trust DD so far, her friends parents don't check either, it's just the way it is here.

hijk · 14/02/2015 20:31

I always check, DCs safety is my responsibility.

vdbfamily · 14/02/2015 21:16

so funny to see this thread. My DD has gone to a friends 12th birthday sleepover tonight. We had a proper invite and there were only 3 of them sleeping over but I was uncomfortable about not knowing the family at all. I drove her there this afternoon and carried her stuff to the front door. The friend answered. We talked about emergency contact numbers and she already had a list from my daughter. Mother did not make an appearance and I drove home feeling silly that I did not demand to see her. I have been wondering whether we have just been totally irresponsible but DD is very sensible and mature and has her mobile with her so I think she will be fine. She is a single mum with 4 kids so at least I don't have any worries about the male of the house! Maybe I'll ring her mobile to say goodnight and see how she is.

Mrsstarlord · 14/02/2015 21:17

Ha! Andrewofgg

Definitely an old head on a youngish body.

I'm also a grandma (stepgrandma) and was born 30 years too late for my attitude to life, but I appreciate the opinion!

Sparklingbrook · 14/02/2015 21:20

How many people meet the Mum/Dad and after vetting them decide they won't actually leave their DC there overnight after all and take them home again?

lavenderhoney · 14/02/2015 21:23

I would want to talk to the mum to ensure it's a sleepover. Because I did this once and my friend told her mum she was at mine and we went to a gig instead. No ones mum checked ( too cool and trusted us- and we were very studious and dull:)

I would frame it as being a parent and fusspot - and although you trust your dd for an hour, you would be uncomfortable not to at least talk to the mum/ dad and ensure its all ok.

Sparklingbrook · 14/02/2015 21:26

I often ask DS to get the parent to text me to ensure it's convenient and he is actually invited.

Flossiechops · 14/02/2015 21:30

Yanbu at all I would be exactly the same. 13 is not an adult she's only just a teenager and there's no way I would let my dd stay overnight at a friends house if I had not met the parents.

Sparklingbrook · 14/02/2015 21:33

But what happens if the parents don't meet the criteria?

Janethegirl · 14/02/2015 21:37

In the bad old days I used to tell my mum I was at a sleepover and I could be anywhere! That's why I needed my dc to tell me their plans and I'd check it out!!

Cos generally they were taking the piss. So as a responsible adult I needed to ensure their safety.

Janethegirl · 14/02/2015 21:38

If the parents didn't meet the criterion, then no fucking way!!

Sparklingbrook · 14/02/2015 21:41

So what do you say? you are stood there sleeping bag and pillow in hand, DC stood beside you but the parent doesn't meet your standards?

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