To discourage this friendship?

[whothehellknows]

DD(5) is in reception. She has several friends in and out of school, but there is one friend in school (I'll call her X) that she particularly seems to value. Most days she comes home and tells me "X said she wasn't my friend anymore and I was sad and sat on the bench. Then I was playing a game and X joined in, so she was my friend again."

I've spoken with DD about it and encouraged her to play with other kids who don't keep saying "I don't like you, I'm not your friend," but she seems to keep seeking X out.

I know some kids say stuff like that, but it hasn't really happened amongst my kid's friends previously. I just haven't got a lot of patience for that attitude. I don't want DD to feel that she's "disposable" and just there to entertain the other kid when she's in the mood. There are plenty of other sweet kids in the class, and I'd rather she just go and play with somebody who isn't going to constantly knock her back.

She's had an invitation for a play date with X and I feel worried about sending her and having a similar situation with her feeling left out or rejected while she's there. WIBU to make other plans?

(I may be feeling a tad over-sensitive on DD's behalf. "What do you mean you're not DD's friend? My DD is fucking awesome!")

She totally is.

My DD has a friend like this. To be honest I think all you can do is support her through the friendship, trying to stop it won't work especially if they have years of primary school to go through together. I would let her go to the playdate, it might just help. Does your DD want to go?

I would warn about getting too involved in your DD's friendships as she will forgive and move on long before you have. Also, can you be sure that your DD is isn't doing the same? At this young age they are learning so much about relationships and how to manage them. By next year they could be over it and best friends again!

Oh, she's definitely less bothered about it than I am!

I did ask both of kids whether they say similar things and the response was "No, everybody is my friend. If I said that, you would probably send me to my room."

I think I'm just wrong-footed because we never had any friendship issues with my eldest. Pretty much the whole class is lovely. (Except one child who punches everyone and they all know to avoid!)

I dunno. It could just be little girl games, but a manipulative 'friend' is not ideal. What are her family like? If you suspect that the come here/go away affection is more ingrained in X then I'd be inclined to make my DD less reliant on that friendship.

You're not wrong to point out the behaviour as being pretty unpleasant or to encourage her to pursue other friendships, but don't expect her to take it in or apply it.
My son who's 13 has something similar with a friend of his, where he gets ditched and picked back up again on a whim. I've had the chat with him about expanding his friendship circle and not prioritising this other lad himself, but really it's one of those life lesson things that can only be learned through experience.

My kids get bored of hearing "never make someone a priority if they'll only make you an option" but I do keep reiterating it.

Yes try and encourage lots of friendships so she is not reliant on just her. I think this is quite a common problem with girls I'm afraid.

MY DS1 had a friend like this in reception. It irritated me more than him. It continued into year 1 then suddenly there was a change. Not sure why. I was encouraging other children to come for tea.

They are 10yrs old now. They are still good friends and it is an equal friendship. He's a great boy but was obviously struggling himself about friendships.

It could work itself out but maybe encourage your daughter to invite others round to play.

We do tend to have a houseful whenever I'm not working, so she does have a great social life outside of school. But I could probably invite more of the kids in her class over to help those friendships develop further.

My DD had a friend like this in preschool. DD idolised her but X used to say horrible things like "nobody likes you" and "you're not very nice", "you smell" etc. Nasty things that did upset DD (even though she still played with her). I went into the school and flagged it with the teacher and requested that they keep an eye on DD and try to encourage other friendships. I also requested that they not be put in the same class in primary school and in 7 years that has never happened. Luckily their school is big so easier to orchestrate this arrangement. Interestingly, this girl went on to become the school bully, making some other girl's lives pretty miserable. I feel DD dodged a bullet which was down to my intervention. If you're not happy about it, do something. I believe this behaviour is just ingrained in some people. Once a bully, always a bully.

Sorry, I have an 8yo DD and my advice is to brace yourself because little girl relationships are absolutely full of emotional manipulation, blowing hot and cold, second-guessing and general crappy mind games. My DD also has ASD so it's all extra shitty for her.

If your dd wants to go on the playdate then I'd let her go but if she's excluded during it remind her of the fact next time she's invited. DD did eventually start to think she'd rather not bother with the girls who chopped and changed their minds all the time, but it took years for her to distance herself from some characters.

I think this is really common, I remember it from when I was at school. They are both young and learning about friendships- it is probably girl X wants to do something, your DD doesn't, so X gets annoyed and says she is not her friend as she does not yet know how to deal with someone wanting something different. She will improve with time most probably.

It seems like X's parents are aware and perhaps want to help the friendship by inviting your DD round. If she wants to go I would let her. You say yourself that your DD seems to seek this girl out, you may have to accept that whatever is going on, X is someone your DD wants to be friends with. It would be wrong to stop her, and even if you did your DD may just seek out another friend with a similar personality.

I would just keep inviting friends round so that she has lots of options, but let her chose her own friends.